E = mc2 is the formula that Albert Einstein developed to explain that mass and energy are equivalent and transmutable. It is better known as the Theory of Relativity. I am not going to get into physics or math but I want to use the phrase to show that pain and suffering or rather perception of pain and suffering is relative. Let me explain what I am trying to say.
Have you ever noticed people not only compare their lives but they also compare who has suffered more? I have seen it happen throughout my life. Two or more people will get to talking about their past and pretty soon someone claims to have the upper edge as to who was poorer, who was lonelier and who had it the worst. It is very funny when you come to think of it. Usually, no one will concede as to who had it the worst out of fear that their suffering is not worthy of compassion.
I used to engage in this behavior. I do not have fond memories of childhood. Hate is an extreme word but let me just say that my adult years have been far kinder than my childhood. I used to think that no one had it worse than me. I wholeheartedly believed that no one could comprehend the pain that my little soul underwent as a child. Anytime someone tried to comfort me, I used to get offended. How dare they minimize my pain. This behavior lasted through my teen years and into twenties. I then finally woke up!
Yes, there are some forms of suffering that are the absolute worst. No one can deny that fact. However, one of the ways we as humans grow is by experience and sometimes we learn more from painful experiences than happy experiences. No two human lives are the same. No two souls are the same. We each are the products of our pasts and if you believe in past lives, then you are a product of those too.
Many of us have heard the saying: “God only gives you as much as you can handle”. Whenever someone would tell me that during my dark times, I would look up to the Heavens and tell God: “You made your point and please now stop”. I then would laugh and I think God would laugh too but then He would resume making my life tough.
Suffering is relative in the sense that it is painful for the person who is going through it. Suffering is also an opportunity for mastery for the person who is going through it. I have heard some friends complain about their pain and to me, what they may be going through is nothing significant and vice versa. Suffering and pain cannot be compared. Each individual has their own life experience and it has to be viewed in the context of that situation. Who am I (or you for that matter) to say that someone’s pain is not pain or legitimate? No one has that right. We are all trying our best. Some of us have interesting ways about doing things but at that moment that is our best or what we think is our best.
So the next time someone you know starts to talk about their pain, just let them vent. Give some encouragement if you can but don’t minimize their pain because that will only make it stronger. Usually, once people have said what they needed to say, you can help them to see that life is not that bad. Who has not suffered? No one. We are all works in progress and no one is perfect…yet – including you and me!
{ 22 comments }
Good idea! It helps others when we are good listeners. Then we can gently help them see other positive things in their lives.
Thank you for writing this, Nadia! This reminded me so much of myself, because I went through almost the exact thing that you are describing. My childhood was not nearly as unhappy as I made it out to be, though.
The turning point for me was meeting my (now ex) wife. Now *she* went through pure hell as a child. But even so, she still felt compassion for me, and for the troubles I had, even though hers were much worse. She taught me that things don’t have to be earth-shattering for them to affect us, and that we should always be compassionate for the struggles of other people, becuase we don’t know how deeply those troubles affected them. Even though what they are facing might seem trivial to us, it could be the hardest thing they have ever had to face. Likewise, our troubles may seem easy to them.
I guess that what I’m trying to say is that we all have different strengths and weaknesses, and what may be easy for me to handle might be very hard for you, and vice-versa. We can never know how someone else’s difficulties are affecting them, so the best thing we can do is offer compassionate listening and whatever strength we can spare.
Nadia,
I suffered from depression beginning at age 9, all the way into my 20s when I finally found Prozac, and occasionally more briefly after that. Some of my high school friends were refugees from the Central American civil wars, and had been through horrendous experiences. I knew a guy who had tried to kill his father because he had abused him so badly. Later I had some friends who had been imprisoned and tortured under the dictatorships in Argentina and Chile.
I don’t really expect people who have experienced such terrible objective traumas to have a lot of sympathy for the totally subjective suffering of depression, but often they do understand and I’m touched. There is no measuring another person’s pain. The important thing is the suffering we have in common, not the causes that differ.
Hi Nadia,
Your point is so true – all suffering is relative. And I can relate to being offended by people whom I thought were minimising the pain of my experience when they were just trying to help give me a lift. And I’ve been on the receiving end too when trying to uplift somebody else.
I just posted this morning on Lessons learned from Adversity as part of Middle Zone Musing’s writing project. If you’re interested you’ll find more posts on the subject listed in the comments section there: http://middlezonemusings.com/wilf-adversity/#comments
all the best,
Hilda
Nadia,
This part particularly landed with me in this moment: “Who am I (or you for that matter) to say that someone’s pain is not pain or legitimate? No one has that right. We are all trying our best.”
The other day I told my wife that I’ve realized an oddity about myself when it comes to compassion. (It really was just me admitting what she already knew about me.) What I realized is that my compassion and sympathy for humanity at large is fairly deep, while I somehow manage to not be as deeply compassionate and empathetic with those closest to me, e.g. my wife.
While I may have been a reasonably good listener for her, I think inwardly I was minimizing her concerns in life, assuming I have been through worse and therefore am tougher and more worthy of compassion (as you described the scenario), and that half-measure of sympathy on my part showed.
I’m working on it. Your post is helpful reminder to me. Thanks.
Suffering is definitely relative and, though I’ve never thought about it before, you’re completely right when you say that people compare suffering. When you think about it, that’s actually kind of unhealthy. Why don’t we compare who has had more positive experiences? Why don’t we focus on trying to make our lives, and the viewpoints from which we experience them, more positive?
Great post. Thanks for sharing your insightful thoughts!
Beautiful post, Nadia!
Thank you.
@ Roger – Glad that you liked the post! There is always something to feel positive about in life. As you said, when we listen to another we can help them recognize those blessings.
@ Jay – Thank you so much for sharing your experience and for the wisdom your ex shared with you. Compassion is one of the greatest things we can give to one another! It truly does make a difference.
@ Regina – I love your comment and you made a great point. The causes for all our suffering are different but the result is the same. I think sometimes people forget that the human experience is something we all go through and our emotional responses are universal. We all want love, safety, great health and so on. BTW, I have been loving your blog entries especially the memorial to Alban and that Donne poem was beautiful!
@ Hilda – Glad you liked the post and agree with the message of it. Thank you for the link, too. It is always great to learn about new things and sites. I will be sure to take a look at it today.
@ Adam – Thank you so much for sharing your experience with your wife. I think we all can relate to what you wrote. At least you are aware of your actions and that says a lot about you. We are all works in progress!
@ Positively Present – It is kind of funny that people compare suffering rather than sharing all the good things. I think people feel that talking about negative things is more serious. I am so happy that the post was insightful.
@ Michael – You are most welcome and thank you for calling the post beautiful!
You have attracted wonderful people to your site with your energy, writing skill and insightful topics Nadia!
Everything we’ve been through makes us everything we are. Everyone in your blog has supported and inspired everyone else by sharing their pain, stories and learning.
Hi Janice,
Thank you for such a great comment. We are the culmination of all that we have been through and you are absolutely right about my readers…they are awsome!
Very insightful post, Nadia. I’ve also found myself in those scar-comparing contests. It’s actually really bizarre how we all seem to have this need to be recognized as having suffered ‘enough.’ I really wonder why. I guess we feel like we’re more deserving of something if we’ve suffered a lot.
I’m very lucky to have had an ideal childhood. Wonderful parents. It was my teen and early adult years that brought me the worst suffering. But I know that that period of life was the direct cause of my tremendous growth over the last few years. I wouldn’t trade it for the world, but I know I wouldn’t be saying that if I were still in the hole.
And you know, I think my great childhood had its dangerous complications too.
When I was struggling in college, I remember my dad saying “I think the problem may just be that you’ve never had to go through anything really difficult like this before.” I disagreed at the time but he was absolutely right.
Hi David!
Your post reminded me of a friend that I have. She had a great childhood and loved being a teenager. When she got to college, she was devasted when she hit a bumpy patch. I think all of us, at some point or another, go through a phase which helps us to wake up and realize who we are. I realize some people may never do that inner work but we are all faced with the opportunity to do so.
Hi, Nadia! What a thought-provoking post. I love the concept of letting others vent first. I know David covered a similar topic in depth recently on Raptitude. I also like Regina’s observation that there is objective suffering (stuff we ALL agree sucks in a big way) and there is subjective suffering (it may not be a big deal to you, but it’s HUGE to me.)
This second one is something I’ve learned a lot about recently: we each have personal themes. For whatever reason, maybe our upbringing, or culture, or something someone said to us once upon a time, there are certain issues we each struggle to overcome. For some it is food, or money, or relationships, or any number of things; but it is tough for someone who does NOT struggle with MY particular issue to understand why I’m suffering so much. So, they often trivialize it, which only makes it feel worse.
Does that make sense? Sorry for rambling, you just got me thinking again. Stop doing that!
Hi Lisis!
No worries, you did not ramble and yes, you made a whole lot of sense. I agree. We each have something that we need to overcome and no two lives are the same because we each have our own mission to accomplish. As for your request to prevent you from thinking…ain’t going to happen!
Darnit! I was going to take the rest of the week off. No such luck here!
You got that right, Lisis!
Thanks for this post. It has struck me as odd that we have this convention of trying to convince each other that we “deserve to feel as awful as I do.” I guess the unconscious idea behind this is that, if we can rationally justify how bad we feel, nobody else will ever tell us we “shouldn’t” feel that way, and being told we shouldn’t feel sad or angry is really scary for some reason. I’ve been thinking about this issue a lot myself recently because it comes up in working with clients sometimes.
Hi Chris,
You are welcome for the post and I loved how you mentioned that sometimes people feel like they have to convince others that their pain is legitimate. I think we all want compassion and maybe the pity party is viewed as the best method to get that compassion.
This post is right on. I only recently discovered that the thing to do is step out of that “my suffering was more than yours” contest by simply listening, trying to be understanding, and trying to help the other person find something positive in the experience. I, too, had a terrible childhood – but I prefer not to discuss it or dwell upon it. One thing I have noticed in myself, and others who had terrible childhoods, is that if we have managed to overcome the bitterness we seem to be much stronger and independent and far less emotionally crushed by every little setback in our adult lives.
Hi Summer!
Welcome to Happy Lotus! I am so happy that you liked the post. You are right, when you have a tough childhood, you handle the challenges of adulthood much more easily. I guess you gain immunity.
Nadia
I’m reminded of a saying (I don’t remember the source or even the exact wording) that goes something like “Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional”
I take it to mean that pain is part of the human condition. Physical pain, emotional pain, spiritual pain .. even intellectual pain (when we just can’t seem to figure something out). We cannot live without experiencing it.
Suffering, though, is our reaction to the pain and we have a choice about that. Relative thinking and comparing our pain just contributes to our suffering. And it’s so unnecessary.
Hi Ian,
Beautifully written…as usual!
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