About two weeks ago, Brenda, who is a regular reader of Happy Lotus (and who in turn has become a friend), sent me the following question:
For example, how do you deal with people who are put off by a playful, happy outlook when “life is so serious and cruel”? That has probably been the majority view throughout history, at least in the West. It seems that every time I get myself to a happy place and try to share the joy, people want to bring me back down to “reality.”
I thought her question was great and decided that I would dedicate a post to Brenda and do my best to answer her question. So Brenda, this post is for you!
There definitely are people in the world who seem to take pleasure in bringing others down. In my life, I have had numerous experiences of people insulting me or making fun of me. I am an optimistic person by nature. It is amazing how so many people are threatened by an optimistic person. I have had my intelligence insulted, I have been told that my life is no better than dirt because I am not extremely rich. I have been told that I am an air-head. Trust me, I have heard my share of insults.
I used to get really hurt and upset over such things. I used to cry and be sad for days. However, as I learned to love myself more and became more at peace with myself, I realized that those people who brought me down were doing such things so that they can feel better about themselves.
Happy people want other people to be happy. Unhappy people cannot stand happy people, so they do what they can to make them unhappy. Most do this unconsciously but there are some who intentionally want to hurt another. Basically, we inflict on people what we feel about ourselves and life. It is that simple.
So when someone tries to bring me down, I try to see why are they doing that to me. Please know that there is such a thing as constructive criticism and usually it is obvious when criticism is constructive because of what is being said and how it is being said. However, when someone is just being cruel for cruelty’s sake, it is wise to try not to let it affect you. See it for what it is - the person is so unhappy, they want you to join in their misery.
There may be a desire to argue or try to correct the other person who is being unkind but that rarely accomplishes anything. It only leads to more drama which is exactly what the ego of the other person craves. The ego thrives on drama. The more drama the better…according to the ego. So the best thing you can do in such a situation is to not take it personally. You can overcome the insults by simply not being insulted. Silence is a powerful form of communication and sometimes when someone is cruel, silence enables their insult to bounce back to them more quickly. You know how a mischievous little child tries to get some one’s attention by doing all kinds of funny things…if you don’t give it any attention, it will soon find someone else to bother.
I do realize that all of this is easier said than done. I still sometimes get upset when someone else tries to bring me down. No one is perfect. However, my recovery time (meaning the time it takes for me to get over the insult) is much faster than it used to be.
Just try to always remember that what we see in others, is a reflection of what we feel about ourselves. Anytime you judge another, you are judging yourself. So the next time someone tries to bring you down, realize that what they are saying has nothing to do with you.
{ 49 comments }
This is so true: “So the next time someone tries to bring you down, realize that what they are saying has nothing to do with you. ” Unhappy people are unhappy and it’s not because of you or what you’re doing. One of the keys to being happy, I find, is to surround yourself with positive, happy people. This isn’t always easy and sometimes it means getting rid of people in your life that you really care about, but it is SO worth it not to have unhappiness weighing you down.
Positively Present’s most recent blog post..let’s go! 5 steps for getting on the road to your goal
Hi P.P.!
I have come to notice the same thing too. Happiness is contagious and that is why it is so great to surround yourself with happy people.
There is a saying: “misery loves company”. It is so true that happy people want others to be happy too, and also that happy people don’t willingly hurt others. If someone says something deliberately hurtful to you it is a reflection of their unhappiness. Remembering that and makes it easier to feel compassion for the other person instead of getting upset about what they said.
Hilda’s most recent blog post..The Game of Life – April 09
Hi Hilda,
It is sad but true that “misery does love company”. Awareness and compassion can do wonders!
For me, the thing that helps me most is the last thing that you pointed out, Nadia. Reminding yourself that it’s not about you, it’s about them, is the best way to deflect negative energy. It’s hard for me, but I always have to tell myself that I’m not responsible for anyone else’s unhappiness. If they are unhappy, there’s not a whole lot I can do about it, except try to feel compassion and love for them, and hope that the positive energy gets through their negative shields.
But if someone is chronically unhappy, I find it best if I just avoid them, because I’m not yet strong enough in my own sense of self and security to keep them from affecting me. So until I grow stronger, I avoid the negative people as much as possible.
Jay Schryer’s most recent blog post..The First Swim of Summer
Hi Jay,
You make a great point. I still am in the process of mastering the ability to shield myself from the negativity of some people. I am aware of why they do what they do so that does not bother me. However, there are moments when talking with a negative person, that I will negative which is so not me. So you are not alone in dealing with this, my friend!
Hilda is right, misery loves company. I’ve always liked that saying.
As far as trying to live peacefully with other humans, this is a major discovery. I’ve changed my habitual reaction to meanness from anger to compassion. When someone’s trying to make you feel bad, it’s only because they are suffering, and they want to suffer a little less.
David Cain’s most recent blog post..Get Up, Stand Up
Hi David,
Exactly….those who inflict suffering are suffering and they just want to feel better. They just do not know how to do so. I am happy to know that you have found your way to compassion!
What a great post topic. I used to be one of those unhappy people bringing others down. I may have even called you an air-head! Well, no, not you, but I probably did something like that at some point. I was very unhappy for many years, stemming from a belief that I was not worthwhile and had nothing good to give. Being unhappy was who I was, it was an identity, and if I could bring other people down it was my way of evening the score. So sad. Through a lot of hard work and self investigation I can say that I feel like a completely new person and that negativity in my life is gone.
If you are a happy person being brought down by someone, maybe just offer them a hug. They need it.
Michelle @ Find Your Balance’s most recent blog post..When there’s nothing to eat in this house
Hi Michelle!
You should be really proud of yourself. It is not easy to recognize why we do what we do and then do what is necessary to change those patterns. Please know I was an unhappy person for many years too. I wanted others to feel what I felt and sometimes I said things that were not so nice because I wanted to make the other person feel as miserable as I did. So yay for us for getting over that phase in our lives!
I totally agree and have noticed some of this in my life. Not a lot, but some.
Amusingly, what came to my mind, was five years ago when my first born was just starting to eat solid food. I was the only one of my friends to make his food from scratch…I never did or said anything to put myself on a pedestal, but my girlfriends gave me so much grief about making homemade baby food. I finally came to the conclusion that it was simply my actions that had them feeling a little guilty. I realized that their comments to me where coming from their feelings about themselves.
I know, I know. My example is way different than Brenda’s question…but I thought that your answer relates on all kinds of levels. ; )
kirwin’s most recent blog post..I’m moving!
Hi Kirwin,
No worries. Your story is a perfect example of what the question is all about! That is wonderful that you were able to see why your girlfriends were giving you grief.
Btw, good for you for making your own baby food! That is so awesome. Nothing like natural stuff!
My friend often tells me that I’m too optimistic, that I should get back to reality. But that’s the reality I wanted to live. Maybe what I should do is to strengthen myself more and back up that optimism so people can really see the positive things I believe in, even without me saying a word.
Jocelyn at I TAKE OFF THE MASK’s most recent blog post..How Do You Treat a Bad Person?
Hi Jocelyn!
Excellent point. I think by just being what you believe, people will sense who you are. People are not stupid, they can sense things about another person. Some are more aware than others. So by being that optimism, you will make other people think about their own optimism. Yay for you!
What a great purpose in life…spreading optimism.
Very astute. One of your observations reminds me that when I unwisely offer advice where none is sought, an often-offered defense (when they recognize the wisdom of the advice but don’t want to, like my teen-aged daughter) is, “Well, that’s easier said than done.”
My response has become, “Of course it is. Everything is easier said than done. That’s the nature of talk. The only exception is passing gas.” I’m not sure my daughter appreciates that, but it is true, nevertheless.
Hi Donnell!
Welcome to Happy Lotus! You are funny…one day your daughter will see the what you were trying to say. Trust me, there were things my dad said when I was growing up which I thought were stupid, only to become an adult and realize that he was a lot smarter than I thought!
Don’t let him know that I said that because then I will never hear the end of it!
“Just try to always remember that what we see in others, is a reflection of what we feel about ourselves.” This is so very true. Unhappy egos are angered by happiness in others.
The buddhists say that whenever we are angered or offended or threatened by another, it is because we are afraid of the same thing within us. I have found this to be true only 100% of time. It’s a great principle, because it allows compassion for all, even ourselves. When others seem to bring us down, we can look at them with compassion, and we can look within ourselves to see what it is in us that allows others to bring us down.
Thanks very much for a wonderful article!
Kaushik’s most recent blog post..Rely on Direct Experience only – “Cease to cherish Opinion”
Hi Kaushik!
You are welcome. I am happy that you enjoyed the post. We truly are mirrors for one another!
I recall Wayne Dyer’s quote, “Self-actualized people are independent of the good opinion of others.” Hits the nail on the head, doesn’t it?
Everyone facing a situation like Brenda is facing should read your post.
Sunny Jamiel’s most recent blog post..18 Truths about Life You Must Know without Having a Heart Attack
Hi Sunny,
Thank you so much for the endorsement. I really appreciate it. And yes, Dyer’s quote does hit the nail on the head!
It is amazing your timing on this, Nadia. I’ve been thinking about this issue the last couple of days myself, so it was marvelous synchronicity to see this pop on my reader today. Thank you for sharing this!
Like you, I’ve had my share of people who have wanted to blow out my candle to make theirs burn brighter. This has been no more apparent than in my move to Greece. It has been very telling for me over the past few years to discover the “friends” who can truly be happy for me and support me, and those who want to shoot me down at every opportunity, or (on one or two rare occasions) simply cease contact with me at all. At first I was angry. Then I felt pity. Now I’m learning to just be grateful for all of the positive happy people in my life who DO want others to be happy, too. And there are so many more of those!
Chania Girl’s most recent blog post..Notebook of Dreams
Hi Chania,
Glad to be of help and what can I say….the Universe works in amazing ways!
I went through a similar experience when I moved to India for six months. So many people were upset that I had quit my job and moved outside of America. I realized that they were jealous of what I did because they wanted to do the same thing too. It is not easy to move to another country, so good for you for having the courage to go to Greece! Yay for you!!!!
Nadia, I found your blog through your comments on Jungle of Life. This post is very poignant. It reminds readers that evoking emotions is an exercise that teaches one how to feel. Life experience is a wonderful teacher. It is always possible to find reasons to be grateful for someone who apparently hurts you. Such a person is unaware of the power or feelings of compassion. That person exists in part to help you stretch and grow. Rather than permit an angry or critical person to teach you their negative energy, you can always choose to teach them love and forgiveness through example. This is one of the challenges that confronts everyone during physical existence. Do unto others as you would have them do unto you, and ignore the idea: “a tit for a tat.”
Liara Covert’s most recent blog post..What brings you back?
Hi Liara,
Welcome to Happy Lotus! Glad you found your way here from Jungle of Life which is one of my favorite blogs!
People do come into our life for a reason. Even those that hurt us are in our lives for a reason. You are right, they provide us an opportunity to learn and I am a big believer in the concept of what goes around, comes around!
Others can only bring us down if we hand our personal power over to them. People like Victor Frankl, who served and inspired others in the horrors of a concentration camp, chose, in the face of excruciating abuse, pain and suffering, to focus on the goodness of humanity, to find meaning, and a way to serve others in the depths of despair. Life is what it is. All we can change are our own thoughts, our actions, our focus and our determination to love the people and the precious things we’re lucky enough to have in our lives. Is it worth wasting one precious moment of our Now focusing on events in the past we can’t change? Other people’s negativity, nastiness or criticism is about them, not us. In the face of real evil, all we can do is love harder and be determined not to become twisted by pain, anger, sadness or fear. What we can take away from any situation is learning. The less well we deal with negativity around us, the more we have to investigate our own triggers, our own unmet needs, and try to find a way of having them met.
janice’s most recent blog post..Choose the Right Words and Change your Life
Hi Janice,
Viktor Frank’s book “Man’s Search For Meaning” is one of the best books of all time. Talk about someone finding the positive in a horrible situation! That man was amazing and we can all learn from him. Thank you so much for mentioning him.
For those who have not read the book, please do. It truly is an inspirational book.
Nadia,
Great advice!
When I experience really unhappy people, I try to remember that they are suffering. This helps me feel some level of empathy and less anger.
Roger – A Content Life’s most recent blog post..Raising Sane Children
Hi Roger,
You are starting to sound more and more Buddhist with each post and comment! I can see that it really has had an impact on you. That is awesome and compassion rocks!
It was only once I realised that I am responsible for my own happiness that I was able to stop blaming and to my shame hurting others (I felt justified). Your article was so clear and put into words the thoughts I couldn’t. Thanks Happy Lotus.
Paisley’s most recent blog post..Having a Blog Changes You
Hi Paisley!
Welcome to Happy Lotus again! I know who you are now!!!
I am so happy that you liked the post and could relate to it. We all have at one time or another thought that happiness was external. Only with experience do we come to realize that we are responsible for our own happiness. I am happy that you have reached that conclusion! That is awesome!
I tend not to allow crazy makers in my life. There are too many happy people to enjoy. No time or room for the unhappy. Unless they are truly wanting to change, then I will show by example.
Also one takes back their freedom when one stops worrying what others think about or say about them.
Tess The Bold Life’s most recent blog post..Mondays = 1/7 of Your Life
Hi Tess,
I loved how you used the phrase “crazy makers”! You are right leading by example is the way to go. It is the most peaceful route to take!
Wow, I loved this post and the comments too! A lot of great happy people here! I totally agree with the fact that our happiness is our own responsibility, our decision ( I actually wrote something about this a couple days ago on my blog) If we wait for goals, material posessions, money, or other people to make us happy, we`ll keep having ups and downs, because there will always be good and bad times in our lives that we can`t control. But we can be happy with what we have and who we are right now, today, there`s no need to wait. So if we encounter ourselves with negative people, we can choose how to react, we can teach them, ignore them, whatever, it`s up to us and if we`re true to ourselves there`s nothing that can bring us down.
Rosa’s most recent blog post..Para Cannes!
Hi Rosa!
Welcome to Happy Lotus! I am so happy that you loved the post and the comments. You are absolutely right that happiness is our own responsibility and decision. It is so simple yet we complicate the issue for no reason. Yay for you for taking charge of your own happiness!
Thanks everybody. Your words have helped. Here is what you have said.
Surround yourself with happy people. —-Nadia
Happy people want others to be happy too. —-Hilda
Avoid negative people as much as possible. —-Jay
Maybe just offer them a hug. —-Michelle
Their comments are coming from their feelings about themselves. —-Kirwin
That person exists in part to help you stretch and grow. —-Liara
Maybe what I should do is strengthen myself more. —-Jocelyn
And laugh more! —-Donnell
<<>>
Brenda’s most recent blog post..Poor Kitty
Working in the music business with female artist finds me continually repeating a lot of the advice I have seen written in this blog, which is excellent.
Maybe a lot of folks do, but, artist tend to want to blame everyone but themselves for their lack of success. Yet, many do not realize how much work and time are necessary to become successful.
When artists or musicians will not let go or leave their egos at the door, most of the time we will not work with them, because working with them means we have to listen to lame excuses each day about why they can’t do this or they can’t do that. I have a sign on my office door with this saying: “Drama Free Zone”. Anyone that comes through that door knows better than to try cause or create issues.
Creating issues stifles creativity.
I wrote in another blog today: “Why is it a lot of folks feel so much better when they can pin the blame on another person or company”? All I can ascertain is they are unhappy and miserable themselves and they enjoy imperfection more than happy perfection.
One of Dr. Dyer’s quotes from one of his books states:
“When you walk across the fields
With your mind pure and holy,
Then from all the stones,
And all growing things,
And all animals,
The spark of their souls
Come out and cling to you
And then they are purified
And become a holy fire in you”
I believe this was in his book on Connectivity or Being Connected.
What most folks fail to realize is when they blame others, they should only look as far as their ‘mirror’ to see the real real person responsible for their misery!
Hope to see more of you guys on Happy Lotus!!
“When you judge another, you do not define them, you define yourself”
Wouldn’t the world be a much better place, if we all lived each day by being non-judgmental?
Hi Lee!
Welcome to Happy Lotus! I love the sign “Drama Free Zone”. I need to get a few of those and post them in places that need to lighten up.
And you are absolutely right that drama stifles creativity. It is so true. It is far easier to create from a place of calm and peace.
Having no judgments sure would make things a whole lot simpler.
I recently read a tip that suggests keeping silent for 10 or 15 seconds when someone insults or yells at you. The silence hangs in the air and gives the aggressor a chance to hear their own words which is often spoken out of the heat of the moment.
Nadia, it sounds like you’ve already used this trick so I’m definitely going to have to give it a try…I just need someone to yell at me now
Great post Nadia!
Gwynn (Serene Journey)’s most recent blog post..7 Tips For Cleaning Your Kitchen As You Go
Hi Gwynn!
Welcome to Happy Lotus! You must be doing something right if no one is yelling at you!!!
this is a good post all around, nadia, but i especially like your last paragraph:
“Just try to always remember that what we see in others, is a reflection of what we feel about ourselves. Anytime you judge another, you are judging yourself. So the next time someone tries to bring you down, realize that what they are saying has nothing to do with you. ”
my goal is to one day be so good at remembering these things ways of handling life that it becomes second-nature, that i no longer have to spend time thinking about it and blogging about it and reminding myself.
i guess life, in general, takes dedicated practice, huh?
adam | iHappy.me’s most recent blog post..‘This’ Is Your Now, Your Only Now
Hi Adam,
Yes, life does take dedicated practice!
It is nice to see you around again. Hope all is well.
Hey, very, very nice post. I will forward this to my friend =)
I love positive outlooks on life.
Hi Aki!
Welcome to Happy Lotus! I am happy that you like the post. It is always nice to meet another supporter of being positive.
Hello there Nadia! I would just like to thank you for this post. It makes a lot of sense and made me realise what you just said and i feel better for it. Thank you ^^
Hi Shah,
Welcome to Happy Lotus! You are most welcome and I am happy that the post was of help.
Great post.
People bring us down because they are miserable. Good to notice that, but it’s far more important to notice that same energy exists within ourselves. We are the people who bring people down. It’s so easy to release this energy…
.-= Kaushik´s last blog ..Zen Living – The Hundredth Monkey and the Third Guy =-.
all of your posts have helped me out tonight. I was feeling down tonight because of a rude remark from a dumb teenage boy and I was sad. I am one of the happiest most jolliest person around and he took that away tonight. I cried with my bestfriend
but these comments have made me feel a little better. thank you so much for all of your kind words on here. I googled ”people that bring you down quotes” and I came across this. thank you for making me go to sleep with a smile. I love myself and I look good. thin or thick, I am wonderful. I realized that ages ago but others still are blinded by flaws. I will forever stand by this – ”unhappy people bring others down”. next time this happens I will offer a hug and let them know that just because they’re life sucks they don’t need to make others feel bad too.
Hi Val,
Welcome to Happy Lotus! I am so happy that this post provide some comfort. We all have had our shares of dealing with dumb teenage boys. They often grow up into dump adult men but that is a different story.
Just know, that when someone tries to bring you down, it is just because they are so unhappy. Happy people want to see other people happy and celebrate others. Miserable people just like to spread misery.
Hope you are having a better day than yesterday! Keep Smiling!
{ 2 trackbacks }