Today, I am going to introduce you to one of my theories that I live my life by and the title of this theory is of my own creation. It is called: “Nadia’s Perfection Myth”.
My perfection myth is the belief that on some level, many people are led to think that making a “mistake” is a bad thing and that when dealing with people, some feel that they must always act like their life has never had any challenges or problems. Insecurities or issues are not acknowleged because for the most part, people are not encouraged to be open. This behavior seems to stem from the intention of always wanting to appear to be perfect.
Images on magazine covers enhance the belief that there is such a thing as being perfect. Women diet and do all kinds of things to themselves in an effort to look like an image on a magazine which has been airbrushed to perfection.
No one is perfect. If you were, you would not be here. At least that is according to religions that believe in reincarnation. If you are Christian, you are taught to believe that you are a sinner, so you are not perfect according to modern Christianity, either.
I have often been fascinated with this perfection myth and I used to suffer from it, too. In the past, when I was miserable, I did not open up. I never acknowledged my pain or fears. I was ashamed of my mistakes. It was really hard to have deep conversations with people for fear they would see that I was not perfect.
My friends, I came to notice, struggled with this too but they expressed it in different ways. Being arrogant, conceited, mean, cold, isolated, frantic and so many other emotions are ways that the ego uses to disguise its paranoia about the prospect of being discovered as not being perfect.
I have seen people whisper their flaws as if they were disclosing some ancient secret when in reality all they were doing was showing their humanness. The dictionary defines flaws as: a feature that mars the perfection of something; defect; fault.
Personally, I do not think flaws are a bad thing…they are what makes you the person that you are. Actually, what is a flaw for one person is not for another. For example, one person may think that their intense personality is a flaw while another person may think it is an asset. Like so many things in life, an opinion about a situation varies from one person to another. Life is subjective, not objective.
Now the interesting thing about my perfection myth is that even though no one is perfect, we can become the most perfect version of who we are. Sounds contradictory but let me explain. We each have talents and skills that are uniquely ours. For example, my husband has the amazing talent to take anything that is in the refrigerator and turn it into a delicious meal. He just has this ability to cook something from his imagination. This skill is something that he has and I don’t. It is not for me to do what he does, because my talents lie elsewhere. Does this skill of his make him better than me? No, it just means that he is more creative with cooking than me. Does the lack of creative cooking make me flawed? No.
Instead of wasting time comparing yourself to another, take the time to go within and discover the beauty of you. Each experience (painful and happy) helped to make you the person you are. There is no need to be ashamed of your past. Each one of us has secrets we are not too proud of but they did shape us into who we are today. The best way to overcome a painful secret, is to acknowledge it and learn from it. Yes, it is easier said than done but it is worthwhile trying.
It is obvious to me that we all long for human connection. We all want to know that we are not alone in our pain and struggles. The only way to do that is to acknowledge your past. I am not saying that you have to tell everyone you meet your life story or that you should dwell on your past constantly. What I am saying is; accept your past for what it is because it is what got you to this present moment.
It is okay that you made mistakes because that is how you learned. There is no need to be ashamed of those mistakes. You want an honest and open relationship with someone? Then be open and honest in representing who you are. Yes, some people may not be ready for this but do you want such closed off people in your life?
Unconditional love and acceptance starts with you. How can you expect someone to love you for who you are, if you don’t love yourself? A healthy relationship (romantic or otherwise) is not about two people pretending to be perfect. A healthy relationship is two people working together to become the best versions of themselves.
{ 24 comments }
Hi Nadia,
I’ve learned to view mistakes differently, knowing that some mistakes actually end up bringing good outcomes. No outcome is ever complete really, each action sends you on a different path forever, and where I am today is a function of all my successes and failures, so they can’t be bad things. The trouble, for me, is remembering that right when I do make a mistake, rather than realizing it later.
David Cain’s most recent blog post..Do Something
Hi David,
Good to know that you do not hold a negative view of making mistakes. I also agree that some “mistakes” do end with good outcomes. As for being able to recognize a mistake when it happens as opposed to seeing it later, I think that has to do with being more cognizant of those around you and how they could interpret the situation. Of course, that is easier said than done but I do think that the more aware a person is, the more likely they will connect the dots.
Hi Nadia,
I have to agree with David on this – the hard part is acknowledging a mistake when it occurs. In fact, this happened just last evening – and I became defensive instead of admitting my mistake. And, in fact, I’m off to resolve it now – to admit I was wrong, to admit I’m not perfect – and to make things right. This is one that was really bothering me last night – both in how I handled it, and how it came up. Coming here today was just what I needed. Nadia, thank you for this. As much as I can talk about this and say I agree and that I know we’re all different and have different abilities – the truth is that sometimes I can still fall victim to not listening to what I say I believe in.
Will I do this again? Probably. And I’ll work each time at getting better about accepting myself for who I really am. And that it’s okay to not be perfect…
Lance’s most recent blog post..This Is Funtertainment
Hi Lance,
No worries, Lance, we are all human and we all have the tendency at times to not listen to our own advice. So you are not alone in this…I swear!
As for admitting a mistake, that is a tough one because no one wants to think that they did something wrong but I think that is part of the perfection myth. We are not perfect and we make mistakes. We have to be able to be compassionate with others and ourselves and recognize that no one is immune from going off the path.
What a beautiful post, and something I have to imagine most of us deal with. You touched on all aspects brilliantly (how various people display their perfection myths). Thank you for writing this… I really enjoy the way your words sit inside and move me.
Megan “JoyGirl!” Bord’s most recent blog post..What “Lies” Beneath
Hi Megan,
Thank you for such a kind comment. I am happy to know that my posts have a positive effect.
It is my intention with each post to write honestly and openly because I really think we can learn from each other. You will be surprised to know how the comments move me too.
So I guess we all gain something from one another! Yay!
Such an inspiring post! I really loved reading it. This weekend I found a new (to me) song called “Imperfect is the New Perfect” by Caitlin Crosby. You should really check it out. It’s so inspiring — just like your post!
Hi Dani,
I always love to hear new songs so thank you for the tip! Very cool!
Hope all is awesome and that you had a fun holiday weekend.
An excellent post, Nadia. I continue to be awed by how you can tackle these huge issues every, single day with such elegant ease!
I changed for ever when I had kids. I’ve always believed that we’re all flowers in a bouquet, that there’s perfection of some kind in everything if we look hard enough or wait long enough to find it. One person’s perfection is another’s flaw so it’s all perfection really. But my kids – both very different in their perfection – were a living, breathing lesson for me every day and really brought it home to me. They also taught me the importance of making mistakes. We’re meant to make mistakes. That’s how we learn. I’m so much kinder when my kids make their ‘mistakes’ than I am to myself when I make them.
janice’s most recent blog post..Re-invention 101 and a Special Book Launch Giveaway
Hi Janice,
You know, my friend, people are going to start to think I pay you to lavish such praise on me.
For the record, Janice is not paid for being so nice. The Universe will return her kindness in It’s own way. 
You made a great point at how it can be easier to forgive other’s for their “mistakes” than it is to forgive our own. So true!
Nadia,
Even the beautiful people in magazines are “touched up” with photo imaging software.
“Unconditional love and acceptance starts with you. How can you expect someone to love you for who you are, if you don’t love yourself?”
I couldn’t agree more and it’s sad that so many people hate themselves. It took the Dalai Lama awhile to understand that some people in the West loathe themselves. It’s very uncommon in Tibet and other Eastern countries. I think that loving-kindness meditation helps with this problem.
Roger – A Content Life’s most recent blog post..Meditation for Beginners (Week 4) – Loving-Kindness Meditation
Hi Roger,
I remember that passage on how the Dalai Lama could not understand how in the West we have the tendency to hate ourselves. I remember how they had to translate it to him so many times and he still could not understand. You are right, self-hatred is a Western creation. Loving kindness is the way to go!
Nadia, I’ve read this through a couple of times and I still cannot pick out one single point to highlight because sooo much of it resonates sooo deeply with me. I wish you lived across the road from me! But glad I can find your wisdom here instead
Hilda’s most recent blog post..The A-Z of Happiness: B is for…
Hi Hilda,
Wouldn’t it be funny if you actually did live in the same area? I would like that because it is always nice to have friends who share the same interests.
Actually, distance means nothing so I am happy to “chat” with you here.
Nadia, I love the gentle tone in your writing. I imagine your speaking voice having the same soft, gentle, balm-like quality. I think you probably work harder at perfecting your ‘self’ than many of us do. You continue to amaze and inspire me.
Brenda’s most recent blog post..Trees
Hi Brenda,
As I told Janice, people are going to start thinking that I pay you for all the wonderful compliments you give me!
As with Janice, your kindness is much appreciated especially since I do not think I have done anything to deserve it. I just do my best to be as kind as I can. There is too much suffering in the world and I don’t want to add to it.
May your kindess will come back to you a billion fold. I am sure that it will.
Some people spend much of their lives convincing themselves why they are not perfect or cannot be perfect. Other people evolve to realize they exert enormous amounts of energy dissolving their own self-created illusions and misunderstandings. Only then, do they realize they are perfect deep down, but chose to forget as a learning exercise.
Liara Covert’s most recent blog post..5 Ways to strengthen self-worth
Hi Liara,
You made some excellent points in your comment which resonate in spiritual thought.
Our true essence is Divine which is naturally perfect. The problem is that people have forgotten that Divinity and get sidetracked with the human stuff such as ego, pride and so on.
Thanks for this post. Another idea I’ve been toying with recently is that there is no such thing as perfection anyway. That seems like a liberating and frightening idea. Liberating because really seeing that on a visceral level would free me from all possibility of guilt or self-attacking, but frightening — probably because my ego is all about doing everything right and showing how great I am, and if there’s no such thing as greatness my ego has no purpose.
Hi Chris,
That is an interesting approach and I agree with you on how liberating it would be. Your ego would be scared too because then it has no purpose. Thank you for sharing your views on perfection with all of us. Hope all is awesome!
I grew up having to pretend I had a perfect life. Everything on the outside was kept spic and span and just shiny perfect. It led to years of emotional struggle – quite exhausting.
Some mistakes are bigger than others and cause enormous psycholigical, emotional and physical damage. I think it must be a very hard thing for the perpetrator to face up to what he or she has caused and to carry on with life. It may sound strange, but very often it’s the wounded who make reconciliation possible. So often I’m left speechless with amazement because people are so willing to forgive. Really humbling.
Paisley’s most recent blog post..My ‘Salad Days’
Hi Paisley,
I think your experience is quite common. I grew up with the same pressure that everything had to look perfect even though behind the scenes everything was the opposite. So I know how draining it can be.
You also make a great point about how most of the time it is the wounded who seek peace. The reason being that it helps in healing.
Nadia,
I love the phrase “the perfect version of who we are”. That about sums up the best we can do with our lives. Instead of trying to fit the magazine cover image of who we think we should be, to just find that image we were created to be and BE that instead of trying to be some other ‘perfect’ self. Thanks for sharing your journey and wisdom here.
.-= Daphne @ Joyful Days´s last blog ..3 Key Steps If You Want To Be Happy =-.
Hi Daphne,
I am a big believer that each one of us is important and each one of us has a purpose. We each are unique so we just have to be the best version of who we are. There is no cookie cutter approach to being the best since we each are special in our own way.
Hope all is well with you!