A couple of weeks ago I published a post called The Matrix of Life. In the comments section, Uzma wrote the following:
“This is a great article. I went through the honeymoon phase you are talking about thinking the first glimpse of bliss will last forever only for things to crash and land after. But I am now beginning to realize that this is just issues showing up for clearance. Am learning to recognize the issues yet am still struggling with clearing them and transforming them into positivity. Any tips?”
I told her in my reply that I would dedicate a post to her question because I think it is an important one.
As I have often said, my past is filled with its share of pain and suffering. I went through phases where I did my best to put my issues under a carpet and pretend they did not exist. I did that for many years until the lumps under the carpet became a mountain and I was forced to face them.
Somewhere along my journey, I developed the idea that I just could not be myself. Actually, I know exactly when it happened. I was fifteen, sitting in my bedroom and looking back at all the things that had happened in my life so far. I deducted the idea that to be myself was bad so I would just pretend to be someone else.
I was thrilled and so I began to pretend to be someone else from that day forward until I was in my late twenties. I used to call my fake self “her” and she was brilliant at pretending to have it all together. She was secure and spoke with authority. She was also very tiring and I could never wait to get home so that I could stop being her.
Confronting the Lumps Under the Carpet
Pretending to be someone you are not, is very draining and after a while, it was no more fun. It stopped being fun by the time I was twenty-five and that was when the lumps under the carpet started to get bigger. In another two years, the lumps had become mountains. I was at the end of my rope and I had no other choice than to face those mountains that I had been fervently hoping would disappear.
“If you want to deny or avoid something and have a picnic or vacation instead, you may feel some short-term relief, but the problem will remain. So instead of doing that, if you penetrate into the suffering or the tragedy and see its nature with some perspective, your mental attitude will improve, and you will have a real chance of resolving the problem.” – Dalai Lama
It was scary at first to face my inner issues but I knew the time had come for me to just deal with them because even though I was ignoring them, they still were present within me. I could try to cheat myself but the truth would still remain.
If I wanted to be happy, I needed to accept my past and all the fruits that it bore in my soul. I also recognized that ignoring my pain made me feel like I was lying to everyone and I was getting tired of pretending to be all perfect when I knew full well that I was just a volcano waiting to explode.
Deep in my heart and soul, I knew that there was a happier person who was waiting to come out. Actually, she was demanding to be released. The only thing holding me back from being my true and authentic self was my pain. It became so obvious to me that the only way to reach my goal and to be the person I knew I could be was to simply accept the pain, confront it and then deal with it. The question then became, how do I do that?
I had already read numerous self-help and spiritual books which did bring me comfort but none of them really offered me insight as to how to face the pain. Like with anything in my life, I asked for guidance. I prayed and I meditated. I basically nagged the Universe to show me what to do.
One day I woke up and realized that I needed to deconstruct the negative philosophy that I had about myself. My feeling was that if I got to the root cause of my pain, I would be able to make sense out of it and then overcome it.
Here are the steps I took:
Grab a pen and paper
I wrote down all the painful issues that I needed to confront. When I did this, I took a deep breath and made the vow to do whatever was needed. I sat down with a pen and paper and wrote down every thing that I felt about myself. The good and the bad. It felt great to get everything out and really look at it.
See Any Underlying Themes
Usually, an issue that you need to face is really a collection of issues. Recognize the underlying theme and recall when you first began to have such a thought about yourself. In my case, one thought that used to eat away at my soul was the concept that I was not good enough and that I was an outsider. I realized that I felt like I was one of those beat up cans that you sometimes see in the supermarket which are sold at a discount because they are defective.
In order to heal that issue, I had to ask myself why I felt that way. Once I did that, I was able to go back into my memory banks and recall painful times which taught me to think of myself as “odd”.
It is amazing how people can be so unaware that the things they say can have so much power. Sometimes things said in a moment of anger, depression or temper directed at a child can cause a lot of lasting damage.
A Shift in Perception
As I contemplated the initial event which led me to think of myself so poorly, it occurred to me that in reality, there was no reason to view myself as odd. I may have seemed odd to that one person but it did not mean I was odd to everyone. All it took was a shift in perception.
The interesting thing about this process is that you come to realize that your pain is pretty much based on how someone else made you feel. We develop opinions of ourselves based on how others treat us. I saw that some people become vicious as a result of their pain and they inflict their pain onto others. A happy person will not inflict pain on another because they themselves are not in pain.
By following the above steps, I came to see that I allowed another person to determine my worth. I gave power to those words by believing them and thus, I created my pain. I let someone overpower me to the extent that I believed what they said about me was true. Once I saw that, the pain lost its power because basically, it was just an illusion.
This process took time, a lot of time. So allow yourself to take time to heal. I had my phases of crying, getting mad and just feeling angry but that is part of the process. In order to welcome in something new, you have to get rid of the old. The emotional release is a way to do that. No one can heal you except yourself. Others may provide insight and assistance by listening and being there for you but in the end, only you can heal yourself and the only way to work through something is to face it.
Note: To read more about the reasons behind my new schedule change, click here. Also, here is this week’s article, Discovering Your True Nature, at Elephant Journal.
{ 40 comments }
“This process took time, a lot of time.” You said a mouthful there! For some, it could take years. But it’s the most beautiful process, I’ve learned, with new layers revealing themselves constantly. It’s almost like gutting a house (the house of “us”) and completely redoing it. The initial work seems the hardest & dirtiest, but once that’s done and the house is livable again, the rest of the work is dressing the place up in a way that suits our true nature. We may spend a lifetime at it, but it’s not tedious work by any means.
Thanks for sharing the process you followed. Have a joyous day!
.-= Megan “JoyGirl!” Bord´s last blog ..Those Who Remind Us =-.
Hi Megan,
I loved your description! So true. I have come to see that we always need to take inventory of what we are feeling and why we are feeling it. Lots of times, we feel a certain way but we lose sight of what caused us to feel the way that we do. Inner work is essential and with time it becomes a way of life and much more simple. Hope all is awesome!
Being able to write everything here is more than enough sign that you have accepted all you’ve went through, found healing and came out of it the beautiful person that you truly are. No more hiding. That which is full of light cannot be hidden for long
.-= Jocelyn at I TAKE OFF THE MASK´s last blog ..Let the Negative Things Inspire You! =-.
Hi Jocelyn,
Thank you so much for all that you wrote. It brought tears to my eyes (happy tears). I am grateful and humbled. I am so fortunate to have such wonderful readers! May you have a wonderful day!
I had a psychologist tell me one time that if I’d just stop believing people when they tell me that I’m not good enough, strong enough, smart enough, etc., I’d be much happier. Some good friends have told me the same thing…and now I’m finally starting to make it happen.
Sometimes, we (unintentionally) give people permission to hurt us or to treat us badly. Once they have that permission, then we believe them when they tell us that we’re no good. As you said, most of our hurts are based on how someone else made us feel. If we can manage to revoke their permission, then their words no longer hurt us, and the healing can begin.
For me, this has been the most helpful thing…learning how tomtake control of my feelings by revoking other people’s permission to hurt me.
.-= Jay Schryer´s last blog ..Mindful Meditation Monday – Wrap Up =-.
Hi Jay,
Thank you for sharing your realizations with all of us. I am so happy that you are doing what you can to take control and not give permission to others to hurt you! That is awesome! Yay!
I have no doubt you will do it! 
Hey, Nadia… I went through pretty much the exact metamorphosis. I like to refer to my journals as the cocoon in which I redesigned my life. To an outsider, my life probably doesn’t look any different, because the real shift happened in my head.
Instead of writing the details of my life story the way I used to (critical, self-denigrating, victimized), I wrote a NEW narrative of the same events. In the new story I chose to be a more noble character, whose life experiences (even the difficult ones) all led to a beautifully unfolding tale. What a difference that made!
The thing that has to change is the way we view ourselves because that determines whose opinion we are willing to listen to (if any).
.-= Lisis´s last blog ..Obstacles: Are They Tests or Warnings? =-.
Hi Lisis,
That is awesome that you went through a similar process. We are the authors of how we choose to view ourselves and our lives. It truly boils down to attitude and perception. Hope all is awesome!
Hello Nadia, nice post really thoughful n meaningful,
regards
Manish.
Hi Manish,
Thank you for the kind words. Hope all is well!
It took me a long time to come to terms with the feeling of being inadequate. I know now that I never was.
You wrote “We develop opinions of ourselves based on how others treat us.” This is so true, but they also form their opinions from how they see us treating ourselves. I’ve realized that if I want to be treated with respect, I need to treat myself with repsect. When people see that we respect ourselves for who we are, then they can respect us for who we are as well and their respect then gives us more confidence. It’s a cycle that always begins with ourselves.
.-= Frances´s last blog ..Standing on the Shore =-.
Hi Frances,
Great point! Some people do treat us according to how we treat ourselves. I think a happy and secure person would not play on the vulnerabilities of another. However, an unhappy person would do such a thing.
Hope all is awesome!
I can relate. In a big way.
My carpet is lying. And I throwing stuff under that carpet all the time. Dishonesty is been my attempt to demean the reality that I have created. A “tiny” exaggeration, a “white” lie there. I implicitly discount my production and my value, by constantly empowering these illusions. And this need to be more than I am is powered by fear. Fear that I’m not sufficient. Fear that I’m not living according to my own moral standard (and am therefore subject to the whims of external standards).
I, too, have found writing to be a critical tool. But I’ve also found immediately admitting that I’ve been dishonest (though sometimes embarrassing) has been my most powerful tool. No matter how “tiny” the exaggeration, no matter how “white” the lie, I go back and reclaim the truth. And reclaim me in the process.
.-= Nelia´s last blog ..The Sacrifice Myth =-.
Hi Nelia,
I appreciate how open you are in sharing your journey and your experience is so common. Many people have done their share of pretending or justifying their little lies. It is part of the journey and the fact you do what you can to reclaim your truth is awesome!
I feel like I learn a little more about myself each time I visit your blog, Nadia. Sometimes it’s unsettling, because I know that the answers lay within. Wouldn’t it just be easier if we could blame stuff on extrinsic things? ; )
Although no so-called “bad” things happened to me growing up, I’ve always been a perfectionist and measure a lot of my self-worth by what others think. Which is dumb, because I innately know when I’ve done a good job and/or when I’ve created something sub-par.
It’s time for me to start measuring myself by my own standards, not others. And my standards need to heed the “Excellence, not perfection” Rule.
Thanks for another lovely post, Nadia!
.-= kirwin´s last blog ..The Art of Forgiveness =-.
Hi Kirwin,
For ten years or more, I blamed everything on other people and so on. Never made me feel better but my ego was happy!
I also spent so many years trying to win the approval of certain people and one day, I realized that no matter what I did or how hard I tried, they never gave me the approval I wanted. That little shift did wonders. Now all that matters is that my conscience is at peace and that I can love myself. The fact that you are aware of all of this is wonderful. Yay for you!
What a great post! It’s definitely easier not to address the lumps under the carpet, but it really does need to be dealt with. I love how you outlined your personal steps here. That was very helpful for me to read about and think about how I can apply it to my own life.
Hi Dani,
In order to be at peace and happy, a person has to deal with the lumps. Otherwise, they will keep getting bigger and bigger. There are no shortcuts in life!
Dearest Nadia
Thank you so so much for this post. Its incredibly nice of you to answer my questions in such detail. Am humbled and in awe of your niceness.
I am a firm believer in goodness, yet I rarely see people act out of sheer goodness.
You do and its LOVELY. God bless u for that
I have been doing what you’re saying and it is sooo much work. Sometimes I want to give up but then I do on, knowing that I am learning and growing.
Happiness is a choice, and our inner work along with a practise of stillness is the path. Thanks for sharing your journey.
God bless you again
Hi Uzma,
God Bless you too! Thank you so much for all the kind words. Life is a journey and so is healing. I wish it were easier but then the rewards would not be so wonderful!
Hope all is well!
Hi Nadia,
You’ve articulated a difficult and complex process very well.
It seems you–and many of the commenters as well–have been able to deconstruct the “slings and arrows” of life, and reconstruct. This is a cognitive process–something similar to CBT and Byron Katie’s approach.
For some us the cognitive approach is an unsolvable puzzle–I could not trace back how or why I had my stuck patterns, and frequently I could not even recognize my stuck patterns. The good news for people like me is that there are methods like releasing, EFT, and developing a gentle, unoccupied awareness, which work without having to cognitively deconstruct what we have become.
I love the Dalia Lama quotation. Often when we come to awakening, we feel we have to be “positive” or “optimisitic”–we soon find out that’s just another abyss.
Thanks again for great insights.
k
.-= Kaushik´s last blog ..Zen Living – The Hundredth Monkey and the Third Guy =-.
Hi Kaushik,
Each person has to choose what works best for them. When I did my process, I had no knowledge on CBT or EFT. I just did what felt right to me and I think that is true for every person. There is no set path on how to break free from our pain. The only constant is that it requires inner work and awareness.
Nadia,
you’re absolutely RIGHT!
i have thought about this and made it so clear.
I think I should learn about writing from you
Hi Immi,
I am happy that you liked the post and that you have had similar thoughts. As for learning about writing, feel free to ask any questions and I will do my best to answer them.
All great insights, as usual, but the parts that sang out to me most were the sections on the importance of journaling in order to analyse underlying patterns and themes. Crucial! I have a few self- destructive beliefs that go back to when I was a child that still have the power to topple me now if I don’t neutralise them.
Writing saved me from depression, no doubt about it. Not because of the analysis or the exercises I was doing from self help books, but because of the way my journal started to feel like a friend who always listened and loved me unconditionally. It was a relief to be able to open up completely honestly. I shred my journals because I’m so convinced that the benefit’s in the writing and the answers we get, not in the keeping. Destroying them also gets rid of any residual fear that someone may read them. That very thought can stop us being completely honest when we write for oursleves.
.-= janice´s last blog ..Guest House =-.
Hi Janice,
I did read somewhere the idea that once you write down everything that is bothering you, you should then burn it as a way of releasing it. That always made sense to me in terms of the symbolism of it but I never did it. However, recently the thought to do that has crossed my mind. I guess I am at a point where I see where I was and who I have become. To look at the past is like looking at the life of another person.
Hi Nadia,
What an open and honest post. And what I’m taking from this is – I’ve felt this way too – odd. By what the perceived “standards” were at the time. I wonder…if we’ve all felt this way at some point. And I agree wholeheartedly about the power words have and the way we “feel” based upon them. A quote, that I used recently:
“Sticks and stones may break our bones, but words will break our hearts.” ~ Robert Fulghum
Thanks so much for sharing another part of your journey, Nadia. You are wonderful just the way you are – uniquely YOU! Just like everyone else – especially when we embrace our true core – whatever this is and however strange it may seem to the “world” around us – that is the unique us that is so worth embracing!
.-= Lance´s last blog ..Sunday Thought For The Day =-.
Hi Lance,
You are absolutely right! We are each unique and we need to embrace who we truly are. I am aware of that Fulghum quote and it is so true. Words, especially painful words, can do extreme damage. I think we don’t realize it because sometimes words are spoken without thinking or in a moment of stress or frustration. I think we all have our issues that we need to deal with. None of us are issue free and I think blogging or being a part of a community helps us to realize that we are not alone.
Wow Nadia, this was amazing to read. To say the lumps under the rug analogy resonates is an understatement — I experienced something just like this in my own life. The truth and beauty in the comments and responses to the comments here is so encouraging!
Thank you for sharing in such a clear and transparent way! Namaste.
Hi Jen,
Welcome to Happy Lotus! Thank you so much for the kind words. I think we all have lumps under our carpets that we need to deal with and it is better to deal with them before they get huge!
When a person say “forget the past”. They really didn’t forget anything; they just avoided anything that resembled past situations. What they actually did was shut down that part of them. Each time someone said they are going to forget the past, they blocked a memory. Their world got smaller!
What we should notice is the gift of the past, which are lessons that are meant for us to learn. When we learned it, we will grow from our past.
Thanks,
Giovanna Garcia
Imperfect Action is better than No Action
.-= Giovanna Garcia´s last blog ..Failure and success, the Odd Couple. =-.
Hi Giovanna,
You are right, the events of the past make up who we are. They may not be pleasant at the moment but they serve a purpose if we choose to see it.
Wonderful post, Nadia! I think we all have had times where we were less than authentic and shoved the icky stuff under the carpet. Fortunately, with age, I’ve learned to do some emotional housecleaning, lifting the rug, sweeping “it” out. I am a confessed journal junkie and you are so right to write. I find the patterns of behavior there all the time, the perspective I get going back in my journals is a true gift I’ve given myself and it is so worth the time!
Thanks again for an inspiring blog!
.-= suzen´s last blog ..The Blessing of Adversity? WHAT? =-.
Hi Suzen,
You are most welcome. It is amazing what writing can do and how it helps a person to learn more about themselves. Cleaning the lumps under the carpet is a life long process in the sense that we all have things we need to master and some are achieved more quickly than others. The learning never ends. The key is to be true to who you are and do what needs to be done in any given moment. Hope all is awesome!
This post is very enligtening. I find it hard to write about personal pain and experiences. I have tried but I just tell myself it’s water under the bridge and I’m over that. However, I do write fiction and somehow something of my life always creeps in and it makes me feel much better.
.-= Paisley´s last blog ..Women =-.
Hi Paisley,
Each person has to do what works best for them. Some people are better equipped at letting go of their pain compared to others. There was a time in my life were I was not able to face my painful experiences but now, it is much easier because I see that it made me who I am. I seriously do not think I could be the kind of person that I am now if it were not for my past. Took me a long time to see that and writing definitely helps…even if it is fiction.
Nadia,
Where do you get ideas from? Are they just pop up in your mind ?
That’s all I want to ask you now………for now
Hope you can help.
Hi Immi,
The ideas do just pop into my mind and I am always observing the world around me. You can get a lot of wonderful ideas by just observing people whether you are at work or shopping or whatever. The world is a source of inspiration.
Nadia, I love this post also! I must have missed this one!
luv Jen
“I needed to accept my past and all the fruits that it bore in my soul.” This is so beautiful and deep! I think also we must believe that we’re each worthy of happiness! I used to want to be happy, but I had to recondition my mind and believe it is my birthright!
I think for me the aha-moment with this post was the other month when I had the opportunity to have a counseling apt with an old pastor I bumped into from years back! Him and my best friend were able to work with me and I was able to deal with some remaining key spiritual/emotional issues. The part where you shared about your ‘her’ self demanding to be released! I totally felt that for awhile and then when this event came up serendipitously, I knew I wanted this additional help to denounce what was taking the joy out of my life. Through this helpful apt of working through key areas that came up through sharing, and the support and prayer offered to me – one by one they were cleared. One amazing part – there was a re-framing of a past memory that (began the unloveliness) -like you described and I was asked to add in a few more details and it was so healing! It’s amazing how we can get stuck in the pain and having someone guide you back and simply imagining the light of love into the situation and feeling this new presence in the room with you, changes so much of that hurtful ripple effect, at its root. This was incredible! I’ll never forget it.
Love and light, can change the world! It’s tough going to the bottom but so worth it – the only way is to face it like you shared and with a determined spirit, go through it one more time and then let it go! Thanks for sharing Nadia!
.-= Sharmila´s last blog ..Unexpected Joy: Living from Within =-.
Hi Jen,
No worries, as my friend Janice has said, “that is what archives are for”.
Good for you for doing that inner work with your old pastor and your best friend. That is awesome.
We all can be happy. The interesting thing is that often happiness requires us to get rid of past pains and work through them. No one is immune from suffering but we can rise above that suffering if we want to do so.
Healing can be hard work but the rewards are amazing. I am happy that you did what your heart felt called to do.
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