When I first began my spiritual journey, I read many books or passages in books that dealt with the concept of being detached. Usually, I felt extreme resistance to the concept of detachment. It sounded too cold and too mean.
Often, I saw passages that would warn against becoming too attached to your loved ones because eventually, you or they will die. There are many books that talk about controlling your emotions as well.
Throughout my spiritual journey, I have come to notice that many people who were walking a similar path to mine, cut off their emotions in an effort to be detached. Such coldness always struck me as odd. It seemed as if people were more robot than human. What was even more interesting is that this level of coolness was considered the way to be. Something inside of me just did not buy it.
Initially, I thought my resistance to the concept was because I am the kind of person who is full of emotion. I am intense in loving life and people so to cut that off seemed so unnatural. How could I not be a feeling type of person?
What complicated matters more was that none of the “robots” made an impression on me to the extent that I wanted to be like them. All I wanted to do was turn in the other direction. Being robotic did not strike me as being spiritual. Of course, to the robots, I was so far off the spiritual path because I was not like them. It was all very stressful.
My resistance was so great that one Sunday, many years ago, I sat on the bed and cried. When my husband asked me why I was crying, I told him that I did not want to turn into a robot. He thought I was so funny he laughed and then I laughed too. But still, I did not want to be a robot.
Once you know about karma and reincarnation, you can no longer throw certain things to the side and not give them any thought. I figured if I wanted to grow, I needed to learn how to be detached even though the mere thought of it was enough to make me wish I was not on a spiritual path.
I decided that I would just have to reach some level of peace regarding detachment. I then looked at the monks who always seemed to be such embodiments of love and peace. Whenever I met a monk who was really passionate about his work, he usually seemed far from being detached.
Look at the Dalai Lama, he seems to always be full of emotion. My own Buddhist Master was full of humor. Granted, I usually gave him enough material to laugh about but he laughed freely. Initially, I never knew how to respond to his fits of laughter. It got to the point where I just would laugh with him because I realized how silly we humans can be.
So how could a monk be so happy and full of life and yet be detached? What was I not seeing?
I wish I could tell you that I immediately found the answers to those two questions but I did not. It took some time but eventually I figured it out.
In each one of our lives, we have roles that we have to play. Our sense of self is determined by the labels that we willingly place on ourselves. Whether we are a wife or husband or a single person - those are all labels we give ourselves. Each label comes with expectations and rules and so on.
Some of us label ourselves according to our intelligence and skills. Others label themselves by their careers. We all do this because that is what we are taught to do. We identify ourselves and each other by our labels.
Another interesting factor is that we sometimes enjoy these labels. It gives us an identity and a place in the world. Without that, some of us would have no idea how to go through life.
Many in society have a hard time going through changes because they feel that their order of the world has been messed up. As a result of the current status of the financial markets, many people are being forced to change their lives. Many people are resistant to these changes. The sense of the world has been altered and as a result they feel lost.
All of this above mentioned behavior is a form of attachment. Detachment does not mean that you cease to care or that you are emotionless or like a robot. Detachment means removing all of those labels and realizing that they are not who you are. It also means realizing that no external factors can determine who you are or your worth.
If you were to lose your home or your job or whatever, your sense of self should not be effected. Yes, you may be scared and concerned but your sense of identity should remain untouched.
You are not your job, your relationship, your religion, your marital status and so on. You are so much more than all those labels. At your deepest core, you are an embodiment of love. The problem is that fear seems to overpower love at times.
Detachment means realizing that life is a journey and that today will be different from tomorrow. It means recognizing the fear when it arises but choosing not to give into it.
The sooner we all accept that change is a part of life, the sooner we all can be happier and free. You can either resist the change or go with the flow. The reality of life is that the changes will keep happening whether you are on board or not.
Note: To read more about the reasons behind my new schedule change, click here.
{ 36 comments }
So true Nadia. To me detachment is not being consumed by any emotion. It is watching them pass by. It is being aware.
You say it brilliantly, that labels become our identity. Detachment , then is realizing we’re souls on a journey and to enjoy the process. For me, as much as I understand this, its easier said than done. Also when you don’t live from a place of labels, people around you think you’re weird. Like you’re being unrealistic. Even when we let go of the labels , people who have expectations of us, don’t. Sometimes, it feels like driving in the wrong direction, swimming against the tide.
Hi Uzma,
You are right, it may be a challenge when those around you do not understand your perception but so what. Just because many people disagree does not mean that they are right. I know that the weight of the disapproval or going in the “wrong direction against the tide” may seem overwhelming. However, nothing of value is ever so simply achieved.
I feel this is one of your best posts ever. This is such a huge concept, and as you explained so beautifully, one which many people find difficult to grasp. This piece will help a lot of folk understand it better, Nadia, and showcases not only your flair for philosophy, but your love of teaching what you’ve studied and learned.
I used to have lots of labels when I had more than three professions at the same time. I learned the hard way, when I stopped working outside the home after my first baby, that other folk can perpetuate society’s desire for labels, even when we’ve stopped labelling ourselves. I know it’s often well meaning, a kind of verbal shorthand to stop every conversation turning into a philosophical discussion about the meaning of life and the universe, but we have to be strong enough to resist falling into the trap of being influenced by other people’s attachment to labels, as well as our own. “What do you do?” people would ask me. “Change a lot of dirty nappies, “I’d reply. “No, I mean, what were you, what did you do before you decided to stay at home with the baby?”
Luckily, what I used to fear was my massive ego turned out to be a very strong sense of my essential self, and I managed to resist changing my ‘label’ to suit everyone who asked.
Nowadays, I use shorthand ‘labels’ for blogging reasons, to help people ‘skim read’. I may call myself a full time mum, or a homemaker to let people who hate that kind of blog make an informed choice and not visit. I worked and trained for years to become not only a life coach, but a certified one. Again, that’s a functional code, shorthand to tell people what services I offer, and to let them know I was externally validated even though that’s no guarantee at all that I’d be able to help them or that they’d resonate with me. I call myself a writer, but that doesn’t mean I’m a good one.
If people really want to know us, they have to find a way to read the language of the soul, and that simply is to trust, love and be open. You don’t need to know the name of each wave to know that they’re all unique yet connected to make an ocean. Words can’t contain us. That’s why I love blogging; we can detach from our bodies, class, race, geography and homes and simply be.
Thanks, Nadia!
.-= janice´s last blog ..Holidaying at Home =-.
Hi Janice,
Life is such a great adventure, isn’t it? I think many people label because it is something that we are taught to do. We categorize stuff in an effort to understand how to proceed in any given situation or to react to a certain kind of person. I don’t think many people realize the impact of labeling.
I am often humored how people will respond when I tell them that I am a lawyer who is a free spirit who is really into spirituality and blogs about it. To a lot of people that is a massive contradiction.
Life is so much more and so are we. Our essence is Divine and Love so why mask it with junk that truly does not mean anything? I have seen people do all kinds of things to others because of a label. It is all quite sad. We are all embodiments of love and in the end, all that matters is love.
Thanks for clearing this up, Nadia. I suppose I’m at that same stage that you mentioned, where I’m noticing a lot of “robots” in the spirituality circles. Like you, it really doesn’t appeal to me at all. The thing about them (to me) is that they don’t look happy…in fact, they look kinda miserable. Lately, I’ve had thoughts like: “Well, if that’s it, then I don’t think I want it!”
So, again, thank you for clearing that up for me.
.-= Jay Schryer´s last blog ..The Road’s Still Long =-.
Hi Jay,
You are welcome! Just be who you are and listen to your heart. Those robots are probably trying too hard to be something they are not. Spirituality is supposed to be loving and simple…not robotic!
Hi Nadia,
Wonderfully explained and written!
I’m especially, these days, drawn into the idea of life being a journey. And a journey that takes me to my soul. So – I’m more detached from circumstances now, than I was in the past. I do see me not as my possessions, my status, etc. It really is something so much deeper. And that’s a great place to explore, isn’t it Nadia? When I really connect with my soul, those are moments when everything in the world feels right. It’s like there’s an alignment in me. And being there, means that I’m good with detachment…
Thanks so much for writing this!
.-= Lance´s last blog ..Set The Rebel Free =-.
Hi Lance,
You are absolutely right…it is an amazing place to explore. Life is such a beautiful journey and each one of us has so much beauty within but we cover it up with what we call our issues and material possessions. I know what you mean about how wonderful it is when you connect with your soul. It truly makes me feel alive. Actually, it is in those moments that I feel absolute joy and sometimes it is so much, it makes me want to hug everyone because life is just so awesome.
Hey great post Nadia. I encounter criticism of Buddhism all the time on the grounds that you’re supposed to become emotionless. People say “I’d rather be unhappy than not feel anything at all,” but of course they are missing the point.
Some of my proudest moments were times when I was in a really terrible mood but I just recognized it as passing conditions of my mind and body. I felt the unhappiness but I knew it wasn’t me, it was just what I was feeling at the time. Of course, there are other times when I let it consume me, I mistake my problems for myself and I suffer. Slowly I’m doing that less often.
Haha this made me laugh out loud.
.-= David Cain´s last blog ..88 Important Truths I’ve Learned About Life =-.
Hi David,
My husband reminds me of that incident every now and then and we have a good laugh.
I have no idea why I was so worked up but I remember that I was so tired of being surrounded by robots, I just had to cry.
You are right that many people criticize Buddhism because of the misconception that you have to have no emotions. I have heard that one a lot too. Good for you for being aware that the emotions shall pass and they are not who you truly are. The more you see this, the easier it will become.
Nadia this is great! Attachment is the root of all suffering. But you can be detached and still care, have love and emotions, happiness and compassion. I think the robots you refer to have taken the concept of detachment too literally i.e. they think they need to be cold, emotionless and not care about anyone or anything. I think this is the furthest from the truth.
I think you are exactly right that becoming detached means you are not defined by anyone or anything to such an extent that if you were to lose it you’d lose yourself and not be okay.
From Tolystoy’s short story The Three Questions: “The only time is now, the most important person is the one you are with and the most important thing you can do is care.” No mentions of cold robots
.-= Sherri (Serene Journey)´s last blog ..How To Live The Life You Want: Follow Your Dreams =-.
Hi Sherri,
I love that Tolystoy quote! He has so many awesome quotes but this is one that I have not come across. Thank you so much for sharing it with all of us and yay for no mention of robots!
I agree that some people take the detachment concept way too far by being cold. I have seen this so much it initially made me think that I had to be like that but on some level it just did not feel right to me. If life is about love, then love is not cold or emotionless.
Hope all is awesome with you and your family!
Hi Nadia,
I had the same puzzles about detachment as you did. My grandmother is a devout Buddhist, and while my father isn’t religious, he still ended up adopting many Buddhist ideas, including detachment. I never understood detachment and even resented it. But your post made it so much more clear to me. Thank you.
.-= Vi | Maximizing Utility´s last blog ..On relationships: Differences =-.
Hi Vi,
You are welcome and I am so happy that the post was of help. Thank you also for sharing your experiences with detachment. I totally understand why someone could resent it. There are so many spiritual concepts that have been morphed and changed from their true essence which only confuses people. Not all people who walk the spiritual path have fully mastered the path. I know many spiritual people who are so flawed and yet they refuse to see those flaws because of the spirituality. Knowing something is one thing but living it, is something totally different.
Beautiful, simply grand to read. I loved Janice’s response too. I used to be castized (my word since words can’t contain us ; ) for wearing my heart on my sleeve. Too emotional, seen as a weakness. As the years continue– I wouldn’t have it any other way. To cry is to feel. All emotions simultaneously at times— which gives me great joy, to feel alive in all its glory and tragedy. De-attachment is in a sense the creation of boundaries, knowing what to take on and what not to. It has been difficult at times for me to be out in a crowd, taking in all of the energy of those around me– overwhelming. But as I continue to grow and learn– even the pleasure-pain in sharing yourself with others is one of the most rewarding experiences I’m lucky enough to ‘experience’— I love my emotions! Being emphatic is not a weakness, but an ‘intuneness’ — to care, to love, to be. Wonderful post Nadia, thank you.
Hi Molly,
Thank you for being so open and it is always nice to know another person who can feel so deeply connected to the world around them. I, too, have often been told that is a bad thing but I see it as a gift. Life is truly all about love and a person can’t give love unless they feel it deep inside of themselves.
Hi Nadia, wonderful post! This should be spread far and wide!
This is a myth I used to think about years ago when I was struggling with what direction I was going to go in. I had this hunger to be more spiritual, yet I just did not know if I could handle the ‘seriousness’ of the whole thing. I had a huge resistance- in my late teens I even thought being spiritual meant I couldn’t have any fun. I would think to myself “I will put that on the back burner for now” then I would pray when I was really in distress (but not when everything was going well) I was pretty disconnect from fear.
In early 2005 I worked with a shaman healer. When I contacted her I asked her if shamanism meant detaching to the point that you would not have a personality at all- she too laughed! She explained that detachment (in part) is letting go of what labels others were putting on you- and at the same time not limiting yourself by putting labels on yourself, and realizing that others have their own perceptions based on their beliefs and to let them have those~ and examine your own beliefs to see what ones seem authentic to you and which ones no longer serve you- and not try to control outcomes or others (in other words embrace change)- ‘like 2 pillars of light’, she said, ‘both co-existing next to each other, but not interfering with each other, let yours shine – let them shine side by side’. She explained that experiencing emotions was indeed something that all ‘shamans’ did.. they joked, laughed, cried, all of it…. they had a personality! WOW that was a real eye opener for me. Seriousness and ‘control’ was just an label that I thought that all spiritually centered people had – I used to think “I could never be that”.
Hi Angie,
Thank you for sharing your journey with detachment. Isn’t it beautiful how we all arrive at the same destination but through different routes? I just love life!
I think what that shaman told you was quite profound and so beautifully put too. The image of two pillars will stick in my mind since it is the best image to describe detachment.
You’re completely right in stating that when we accept that change is inevitable we can live happier, freer lives. This isn’t always easy to do, but it’s a great point. This whole post was really great. Thanks!
Hi Dani,
Change is a part of life. The sooner a person accepts it, the easier living will become. Hope all is awesome with you!
“Something inside of me just did not buy it.”
I love the way you kept working with that ineffable thing inside you until it finally spoke its truth, that labels and other externals, not emotions, are the things we need to release. You kept listening to your inner voice even while it remained mute. You kept expecting an answer to your quandary and you remained steadfast until you got one. Your explanation of this process is what makes this post so good.
I think of the “if in doubt, don’t” maxim in this context. Truth and doubt really don’t mix well. Doubt is oily and slippery and heavy, while truth is light and clear and as refreshing as spring water. This post is very refreshing, and I think you found the perfect pictures to symbolize how you felt. Good job!
.-= Brenda´s last blog ..Michael Jackson’s Essay =-.
Hi Brenda,
Thank you so much for all the kind words. I agree with you that truth is definitely refreshing like spring water…now I want some water especially if I look at that one picture in the post of the river!
Seriously though, doubt is not such a great emotion to carry because, as you so beautifully stated, it is heavy and in my opinion quite suffocating.
The more I experience of life the more I realize that we have complicated it far more than necessary. I mean…life is truly quite simple but we have added so many layers to it, that we forgot what it is all about and I think that is why so many people have issues with detachment or not being the labels that are placed upon them whether by choice or by others.
I really like the way you framed it.
Detachment always struck me as impersonal, robotic and void of this amazing experience we call life. Eventually, I realized it’s more about skilled detachment, controlling the things you can and letting go of what you can’t, rolling with the punches and mastering EQ.
One of my favorite Zen’ish quotes is, “when it’s cold shiver, when it’s hot sweat.”
.-= J.D. Meier´s last blog ..Lessons Learned from Bruce Lee =-.
Hi J.D.,
Great Zen quote! One thing I always love about Zen is that it is always so simple and straight to the point. I think humans complicate concepts far more than is ever necessary. Detachment is one of those examples. Hope all is well!
Detachment and surrender are horrible sounds to the western ear. But when we consider it carefully, we see that we have already detached and already surrendered. We have detached from our unified selves to serve the ego. And we have surrendered to the fickle mind.
Detachment is not the purposeful suppression of compassion; it is detachment from the drama of the ego. And surrender is not defeatist; it is surrendering to a higher consciousness rather than the monkey mind.
Great post as usual! Thanks !
.-= Kaushik´s last blog ..How to get into FLOW at will =-.
Hi Kaushik,
Detachment is definitely a letting go of the drama of the ego. The one part of your comment that was really interesting to me was how you made the point that some people may consider surrendering defeatist. I guess to some it may appear that way, I just never really thought about it because to surrender and let go is far more an indication of wisdom and strength. Hope all is well.
thank you Nadia for giving a chance to look through ourselves n think how all we can be detached from our reactions n different circumstances we face in day today life.A post worth to lot of appreciation n praise…..
Happy Independence Day to U
Manish
Hi Manish,
You are welcome. Hope all is well with you! I am happy that you enjoyed the post.
Hi Nadia,
what a great post! Since I’ve learned a bit more about karma and those things, my big question of all time had always been: how is it like to love and in the same time to be detached?
Life is journey indeed, and in its way we get to understand that we are what we are. Contrary to what I have been taught in school or what I’ve read in motivational books, I oddly learn that we are not what we do, we are not whom we are loved by, we are not what we have!
“Just be; and not To Do”.. sounds easy to say, but how many of us are ready to let it all go… Learning is exciting, indeed.
.-= nadia febina´s last blog ..Nzingha, Warrior Queen of Matamba, Angola =-.
Hi Nadia,
I know what you mean how not many people are ready to let it all go. We identify so much of who we are but stuff that truly is not representative of our true worth and value. However, that is what makes life interesting and you are right, learning is definitely exciting!
Hope all is well with you! 
Hi, Nadia!
I loved David and Molly’s comments (and many others, too – but those two, in particular, grabbed me). I think there’s a difference between being detached and being indifferent. Someone famous once said, “The opposite of love isn’t hate. It’s indifference.” I view detachment as absolutely necessary in my life so that I can evolve. Otherwise ego keeps me stuck.
Another quote I love on this topic is from the Eckhart Tolle book (New Earth): “I never mind what happens.”
Happy 4th of July!
.-= Megan “JoyGirl!” Bord´s last blog ..The Many Joys of Earplugs =-.
Hi Megan,
I like how you mentioned the difference between being detached and indifferent. Many people confuse the two for some reason. It is kind of interesting how one word can cause so much emotion and feeling along with a varied mix of responses. I love the quotes you included too.
Megan,
I can relate. Reading Eckhart Tolle’s books have convinced me that being in the present moment means that I need to detach from my past and all the stories and emotions that go along with it. My past is just a series of events that I happened to attend. While they helped to move me along to the point in time where I now find myself, they don’t define me or haunt me.
.-= Lori´s last blog ..Take A Friend To Yoga For Free =-.
Hi Lori,
Eckhart Tolle totally rocks! Sometimes when I am at work, I listen to “A New Earth” as I do whatever it is that I have to do. He is such a great writer. Thank you so much for sharing how you take his teachings and apply them to your life. I always tell people that although my past may not have been perfect it was a blessing in so many ways. It got me to where I am and for that, I am eternally grateful.
Hi Nadia, and thank you for this inspired and inspiring post. You do a wonderful job of distinguishing between detachment and non-identification (we are not our personas, our thoughts, our roles, even our bodies), and acknowledging that, even if we are not identified with or attached to these, we can still be connected and engaged, share experiences, understandings, feelings, and co-create shared realities with others.
I think it is interesting and appropriate that the Buddha identified four brahma-viharas (divine abidings) and taught them together – metta (lovingkindness), karuna (compassion), mudita (sympathetic joy), and upekkha (equanimity). Equanimity is related to the detachment you wrote about in your post. When combined with the other three it creates the ground for stability, balance, harmony, and clear-sightedness. This is a deeply feeling and connected detachment–one that supports us to be vertical and present (as opposed to falling on our faces -from leaning to far forward with the need to make things better–or on our backs–from avoiding feelings and engagement).
Thank you again, for yet another stimulating post.
Yours in Working for Good,
Jeff
Hi Jeff,
Thank you so much for stopping by and for all that you said.
When I first began my path, I was always fascinated with the idea of equanimity. It sounded so simple yet I knew it was going to be much more difficult. I think what you wrote about how equanimity and detachment as being related is so true. They mutually reinforce each other and you are right when combined with compassion, loving kindness, and so on; it enables us to be better at being in the world and not of it.
Hope you had a wonderful holiday weekend!
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