One of the hardest parts of reaching the decision to not become a Buddhist nun was the realization of having to go back into the world. My adventures in almost becoming a nun have been mainly a closely held secret because it was just one of those things that not many people understand.
Not to mention, people freak out when they know you almost became a nun. It is as if they feel self-conscious about cursing in front of you or saying whatever they feel like saying. I find all of this funny because it just does not make any sense. No one is perfect….even those who go on to become monks and nuns.
As for why I almost became a nun; I wanted out of the world. I had graduated from law school with no idea of what I wanted to do with my life. The thought of having to get a job and be part of the rat race was enough to make me want to hide.
I would see those around me and just get sick at the idea of having to be like them. When I started my spiritual journey, I loved what it taught me and I found solace in the awareness that there was more to life than what I was seeing. I wanted to be centered in that awareness all the time and the idea of being in the world struck me as being the opposite.
Leaving the World
When I began studying with my teacher, I found refuge in a place that seemed the closest thing to heaven on earth. I could work on my spirituality all day and never have to be concerned with bills and such. It was wonderful to engage in spiritual discussions and learn more about life and the spirit.
After I was initiated, I seriously began to consider going all the way with my final vows but something inside of me was just not that sure. I asked my teacher and he told me to meditate on it. I knew in my heart that I had no problem renouncing the world but the one thing that I had difficulty with was the idea of giving up the ability to be married.
My romantic past up to that point was not that great and I never truly had the experience of being in a healthy and loving relationship. A part of me still wanted that and was not fully convinced about giving it up. I knew that on some level I still wanted to experience marriage but that would mean going back into the world. I had no idea what to do.
Being the good student I was, I did as my teacher suggested and meditated on the subject. For two weeks straight, I would get the same answer each time I focused on what to do. The answer was: you are not meant to be a nun in the traditional sense but you will do the work of a nun. The idea did not make any sense to me but I knew that my desire for marriage was something I was not willing to give up.
So I told my teacher and he was not surprised at what I had decided. I told him the message that came to me each time and he would nod in agreement. When I pressed for answers or guidance, he told me that it was not the right time for me to know and that someday I would know.
Returning to the World
Eventually, I had to go back to being in the world and it was not fun. I had to go back to dealing with people who seemed more concerned about what they wore as opposed to what they thought. Listening to some conversations was like listening to nails being scratched on a blackboard.
I felt like an alien on another planet and it was heartbreaking. I got a job doing some temp work and it was a disaster. Each Monday people would come in and brag about what they did. I never could take part because I just did not feel the need to. Plus, there really was not much to talk about. I was in agony because of having to get back to living in the world.
My teacher and I remained in contact by phone and he was extremely supportive. He told me that I would get the hang of it at some point. He would always tell me to remember that I could be in the world and not of the world. I liked the idea but I was having issues being in the world.
I did not tell anyone of my almost-nun past because I just did not want to deal with all the questions. So I did what I could to fit in. I learned to talk about stuff that I knew really did not matter. I would comment on various issues knowing full well that it was all an illusion of some sort.
I wish I could tell you that my adjustment was quick and easy but it wasn’t. My re-entry was bumpy and I think I ruffled a few feathers along the way. Some people thought my silence meant arrogance when in reality it was that I never knew what to say.
Getting all excited about a sale or gossiping about another just never felt like fun to me. When you are taught for hours about the power of karma, you learn to be careful about what you think and say. Silence is often the best thing to practice when you do not want to engage in gossip. Unfortunately, to many others, it looks like something completely different.
Joys of Dating – Not Really
Dating again was another adventure and I remember getting humored a lot by the actions of men that I would meet. I remember one guy actually handed me a questionnaire to fill out and based on the answers, he would have an idea of what I was like. I kindly slid the piece of paper back to the guy and walked out.
Then there were the guys who claimed to be spiritual yet all they wanted to do was to hear themselves talk. That was not much fun either. When I turned thirty, I decided that I was going to give up on the whole marriage issue. I realized that I did not care anymore. I was tired of the games and just wanted to be free from it all.
As life would have it, two months later, I met the man whom I would end up marrying ten months later. Life has an interesting way of bringing what you want, when you least expect it and that is what happened when I met my husband.
Neither one of us cared to have a wedding, so we went down to city hall and got married for the low price of twenty-six dollars. It was perfect.
It took a few more years to get back into being comfortable at being in the world. I am still not 100% comfortable but I am much better than I was before. I have come to see that we each have a journey that is unique and no two journeys should be compared.
One of the lessons, I believe, about life is coming to accept who you are and being at peace with it. Spirituality is a big part of who I am and although many people may not understand that, it is okay.
They are only doing what they know is right. We are all the sum total of all our experiences. If you believe in the concept of previous lives, then you are the sum total of all your lifetimes.
We each act according to what we know is true. That is why to compare and contrast people never is accurate because each person is unique. Took me a lot of time to make my peace with that because I think often in life, when we see something we deem wrong, we feel like we should fix it.
When we see someone who is sad or down, our immediate reaction is to correct their perception. Each person has to experience life based on what they know. To engage in fixing means that on some level there is a thought that there is something wrong which has to change or be corrected. It is not our place to decide who is right and who is wrong. The only person we are responsible for in life is ourselves.
Note: To read more about the reasons behind my new schedule change, click here.
{ 36 comments }
I’m glad you didn’t become a nun, for my own selfish reasons; we’d maybe never have met – although I’m sure we’ve lived or worked side by side as friends in one of our previous incarnations, of that I’m absolutely convinced!
I feel you have a ministering presence, so even if you had become a nun, I’m sure you would have been out there in the world connecting with and helping folk in your own way. The universe wouldn’t have given you such a gift for communication and absorbing wisdom from life if it hadn’t meant you to touch other souls with it.
(Love the title, by the way! That’s the twinkle of a smile I hear in your voice when we chat!)
Hi Janice,
My husband has to get all the credit for the use of the word “renunciation”. My original title was just “why I didn’t become a nun” and he made the suggestion of adding the renunciation part. So it was all his doing!
I think we would have become friends regardless of what would have happened. It is probably more fun this way and I am very happy that I listened to my heart and chose the path that I did.
Thank you for always providing such wonderful compliments regarding my writing. You are a generous soul!
Whenever I read your stories (especially the part about how you met and married your husband) it amazes me how similar we are. Of course, the story of why I didn’t become a nun is entirely different… and not something that is appropriate for me to publish, I’m sure!
Still, when I saw this part: “I could work on my spirituality all day and never have to be concerned with bills and such,” it kinda made me wish I HAD become a nun. That sounds like a great life to me. Not being concerned with bills would free up so much emotional and psychological time for nobler pursuits… but since being a nun is out, I guess my next best strategy is to win the lottery!
.-= Lisis´s last blog ..Adventure: Taking a Giant Leap of Faith =-.
Hi Lisis,
That is funny how our marriages (or rather how we met our husbands and so on) and other stuff are similar. Goes to show you, how universal some experiences can be and yet unique too!
I know what you mean about wanting to pursue spirituality without the concern over money. If it is of any help, I have seen people who never have to deal with the pressures of bills and stuff and they have a lot of issues dealing with spirituality too. So I guess it all boils down to the person and don’t limit the Universe! You may get your riches in more ways than winning the lottery!
I agree with Janice. I’m glad you’re not a nun because we wouldn’t know you otherwise.
Sounds like you knew what was right for you from the start. I don’t think I could be a monk. I like to have at least one foot in the world of ten thousand things.
And a questionnaire? Wow.
.-= David Cain´s last blog ..Secret Lessons From Sesame Street =-.
Hi David,
The joys of dating….thank God they are behind me. There are a lot of people out there who do interesting things! I am so fortunate that my situation came to be the way that it did!
Like Lisis, when I read about being free to pursue spirituality without having to worry about bills and responsibilities and stuff, I kinda wish I had become a monk. And since I suck so bad at dating anyway, I’m probably not giving up much in that area, either!
But no, I know that’s not the right path for me. I have those same ministerial notions that Janice talked about, and so my place is out in the world, helping whenever and wherever I can. And I’m glad that you’re out in the world too, doing much the same thing.
.-= Jay Schryer´s last blog ..The Song Remembers When =-.
Hi Jay,
You don’t suck at dating…no one really does. It is just hard to find quality people or so it seems. Actually, I think dating is worse now than before because everyone tries to act all perfect and it seems people are afraid to be human. Then again, those are just my thoughts.
As for being free from the pressures of bills, sounds wonderful, doesn’t it? I guess we all have to master the ability to be in the world but not of it. At least, that is what I am trying to do. As a result of all that I endured last week, I am more determined than ever to change my path and I will. Life is cool!
Hi Nadia, I’ve only recently come to know you … as in just by seeing your comments on other blogs. This was very interesting to read as it added to what I’ve already gathered about you. There is something so peaceful and soulful about interacting with you, even if my only interactions have been to read your thoughts. Thanks for sharing this part of your life with us.
Your husband definitely is clever. I love his addition to your post title!
.-= Suzanne´s last blog ..To Me, From Me =-.
Hi Suzanne,
Welcome to Happy Lotus! Thank you so much for all the kind words. It is funny, I always thought I had an idea who I was but blogging and meeting so many wonderful people, has made me learn so much more about myself. I am humbled and grateful to know that I come across peaceful and soulful. Those are two things that I really believe in being, so you made my morning.
I will be sure to pass on your compliment to my husband. He is very clever and that usually makes discussions kind of interesting. I never know what I am going to be faced with and I love that!
Hope all is awesome with you!
I can completely relate to where you are coming from! I still sometimes have fantasies of moving even farther out into the wilderness- living some sort of ‘Swiss family Robinson’ lifestyle with my family~ living off the land. I used to spend hours in the woods alone as a child, and felt so incredibly connected- perhaps this is where my feelings come from. I was working in my front yard with some of my herbs yesterday, a car drove by and my mind went right to that thought- we need to move!!! In my selfishness, I want to just enjoy the smells, sights, sounds and energy of nature without being interrupted by those pesky humans and their noise making cars LOL! I just crave that open wildness of the wilderness. Luckily in Oregon where I live, solitude is literally a half hour drive away.
Even though I am very approachable and really love people, I absolutely have to have my alone time as well. In fact by nature I prefer it most of the time (except having my babies around- they are pure joy).
People who are not authentic and spend most of their time gossiping or competing about ‘things’ this is excruciating to me as well, it just seems so petty and a waste of time. One thing I have found though, I am not sure why this is, but people do tend to tell me their deepest feelings (even if it is the first time we have met), and they always follow with “I don’t know why I just told you that, I have never told anyone that before”- this happens so frequently that I feel that I guess I am not meant to be a hermit- at least not completely. I also do have some wonderful friends (even though I do not see them frequently, I cherish the times we do spend together). There has to be a happy balance for me, so I do not get too overwhelmed.
One of the people I admired deeply was Juliette Baircali Levy http://www.ashtreepublishing.com/Author_Juliette_de_Bairacli_Levy.htm, she just passed on recently. She left her extremely privileged upbringing to live the gypsy life, to live and learn from the gypsy and the plants (‘Juliette Of The Herbs’ is a wonderful documentary about her life if you ever get a chance to watch). I always wanted this lifestyle, but my husband was never willing to go along for the ride (by the way, we also got married at the court house and I would not have it any other way!)
Just knowing you for the short time I have, you have been such a wonderful friend (even it it is only in cyberspace ) I am so incredibly grateful that you have decided to use your gifts by writing here on your blog. Your posts are so nourishing to me~ thank you
.-= Angie´s last blog ..0711ddebe7fd2b92.jpg =-.
Hi Angie,
You are right about being in nature, it helps keep you grounded and connected. I think so many people would love to live away from the world and just lead more simple lives. I do think we can have the simplicity that we want but it requires some changes. Based on what you wrote, it sounds like you have some level of that and that is wonderful.
Like you, so many people are so open with me. It has always been that way. My mom used to comment on it too because she was amazed at how people would just tell me all kinds of stuff. I always felt very honored for that openess because I feel people should be open. Life is meant for us to be open but humans have messed things up. Oh well.
I am honored to have you as a friend and thank you for all that you wrote. It touched my heart. Thank you!
Hi Nadia,
I think you’re definitely doing the work of a nun here on this blog. I love your posts and always learn so much from them. That was a wonderfully wise choice you made when you decided to renunciate
.-= Hilda´s last blog ..Lighten up! =-.
Hi Hilda,
Thank you so much for such a sweet comment. I just do what my heart tells me to do and that is how these posts come to be. If I were to think of posts, it would be a disaster!
Hope all is awesome with you and that things are going smoothly. Keep smiling!
Hi Nadia, thank you so much for writing this out and sharing it with all of us. You have blown me away. Reading this was a privilege. I hope that you can reconcile being in the world with being spiritual soon so that you can ascend to a new level of peace and happiness. And I hope that you continue with your “nun work” so that we may all grow and learn in your presence! Your last few paragraphs about accepting that “no two journeys should be compared” and that “When we see someone who is sad or down, our immediate reaction is to correct their perception.” is such a gentle reminder to accept the is-ness of people and things and continue in our work to be responsible for ourselves. Thank you so much for that. I needed to read that today!
.-= Jodi at Joy Discovered´s last blog ..Excuses, Good Friends, Great Lessons =-.
Hi Jodi,
Thank you so much for all that you wrote. It means so much to know that the post affected you in such a positive way. Have no worries, we all have to work on being reminded on not wanting to correct people. I struggle with that one too. I will admit that I am much better than I was before but often when I see someone who is down, my immediate reaction is to want to make them laugh or smile. I then remind myself that I just have to let it go. So, no worries, we are all in the same boat!
Thanks for not becoming a nun, or we wouldn’t have the pleasure…
.-= Kaushik´s last blog ..Banish the ANGST of the Law of Attraction =-.
Hi Kaushik,
You are so sweet….thank you.
I am also glad that I didn’t because then I would not have had the good fortune to know all of you! So it goes both ways. Hope all is well with you, my friend! 
Nadia,
Know that it’s so good to have you here, and spreading good as you do. So, however you do that, however life leads you – that is okay and right. You are in a good place, my friend. No matter what your title is, what your vocation – you will always have about you a aura of goodness toward the world…
And this also reminds me of my wife’s aunt, who is a nun. And seeing her good works is pretty great, yet – we also see the human side of it all. We’re all human. And it that same vein, we can all do good works no matter where we’re at in life.
Nadia, you shine your light so wonderfully bright…
.-= Lance´s last blog ..Sunday Thought For The Day =-.
Hi Lance,
Thank you for always being such a supportive person and for always being so generous with your compliments. It means a lot.
You are absolutely right, we all can shine some light and do good in our own unique way. Each one of us has a special talent and skill that is meant to help heal the world. I really believe that and I think with time, more and more of us are going to realize how powerful we truly are.
Hope you are having a beautiful day!
Hi Nadia,
I really love your story. You are right, we can’t fix others, nontheless I do struggle with that a lot.
Magdalena
Hi Magdalena!
Welcome to Happy Lotus! Thank you so much for the positive feedback. Have no worries, you are not alone in struggling with the desire to fix others. We all deal with that on some level. Some of us are more successful at it than others…but we are working on it in one way or another. Hope all is awesome!
What a beautiful story about love — loving yourself, loving the world, loving God, and loving love. You, indeed, are doing the work of a nun. You heal with your words; you heal by being present in your journey.
Thank you, Nadia!
.-= Megan “JoyGirl!” Bord´s last blog ..You Might Be An Empath If… =-.
Hi Megan,
It’s all about love, isn’t it? The more I see and the more I learn, the more it becomes obvious that love is really what it is all about!
Hope all is awesome!
Hello Nadia,
I loved your honesty and your ability to vocalize how difficult it can be to apply your spirituality to every day living. It can be disturbing to meet people who seem like young souls but thankfully there is a place in this world for all of us.
With each day I approve upon letting go of my ego and judging less but I do not see myself reaching my full potential in this lifetime. There are days when I fall off the wagon and revert back to old habits but my mantra is to love and give and if I stick as close to that as possible than I know I can make others happy thus bringing a new lightness to my life.
.-= Jillian´s last blog ..A Summer Without Visiting Nantucket =-.
Hi Jillian,
Welcome to Happy Lotus! I think you are not alone in falling off the wagon. We all have our moments when we could have handled a situation better or had a thought that just was not so ideal or perfect. I recently heard an interview with the Dalai Lama and he said he has his moments of anger. So see….if he does it, it is not so shocking if we do it too!
What an interesting read and revelation! At one stage, I wanted to be a nun too. But I did not go as far as you did. I was feeling depressed and wanted to find a way to stop my suffering. I decided not to be one eventually because somehow deep inside, I knew that running away to take refuge as a nun was not the solution.
It’s great you ended up happily married! Happy Lotus would not have started otherwise. I would not have “met” you online.
.-= Evelyn Lim´s last blog ..The Story Of The Wounded Child =-.
Hi Evelyn,
One thing that I learned from sharing this post is that so many people want or wanted to run away from the world. Kind of nice to know that I was not alone in that desire. Like you said, running away is not the perfect reason for wanting to go down the monastic route. I am happy that you saw that and went down another path which worked out perfectly. Life has an amazing way of working things out for the best. Yay!
Hi Nadia.. I connect fully with your story.
I dont know how it started, but for the last couple of years I feel like i’m disconnecting with the real world. I can’t engage in trivia conversation anymore, especially if it’s about what one has done (why brag??), about getting more and more money (do we need much of those, really??), etc. I can’t even live it anymore the company value of getting more and more profit.. like, “what’s the point? will that help the more unfortunate?” And then no one (except my husband and a best friend) really understands what i’m thinking and what I’m trying to say, and it frustrates me.
I somehow know what my heart is saying.. It says over and over: “accept”. Somehow it says after all the rebirths this is what I need to go through in this episode of life. I might not know what it will lead me into, but with the help of love of the divine who will guide me through this lesson, i will know.
I still don’t overcome this yet; maybe you can even still feel the pain when I typed this comment..
However, your story makes me realize that this is not a joke, this is a learning process, and i’m not alone.. 
Thank you Nadia… (L)
.-= nadia febina´s last blog ..Nzingha, Warrior Queen of Matamba, Angola =-.
Hi Nadia,
You are definitely not alone and I could so much relate to your comment. Thank you so much for being so open. Life is a journey on so many levels and with each level of growth, more things need to be dealt with and mastered. It is definitely a process but I also truly believe that the process is full of love and compassion. It is the human junk that gets in the way. Kind of like…we don’t want to deal with certain things but we have to. I hope that makes sense.
I am also here if you ever need to vent. A person can never have too many friends plus us Nadias need to stick together!
> Each person has to experience life based on what they know
That line nails it!
Life really is what you make of it. If you believe in magic it’s a magical world. The most powerful thing that I’ve seen shape people’s lives is their metaphors. If your life is a “dance”, you twist, tango and rumba your way through. If life is an adventure, you find the fun. If life is a tragedy, there is sorrow and heart ache. If life is a comedy, you can’t help but to laugh through the good and the bad. I don’t think there’s a single metaphor, but I do think metaphors can give you a great lens on life … and the trick is always using the right one for the job.
.-= J.D. Meier´s last blog ..Finding Your Eye of the Tiger on Expert Access =-.
Hi JD,
I loved all your examples. Life is truly a reflection of what you think and feel. The more I experience, the more I see that as the reality. Very simple when you think about it but yet so many of us have complicated things for no good reason.
Hi Nadia,
It seems like a number of the commentors are pretty spiritual like yourself. I’ve never been a spiritual person and I don’t even understand fully what being spiritual means! But I do agree with Suzanne that “there is something so peaceful and soulful about interacting with you, even if my only interactions have been to read your thoughts.” I do feel the same in a way. It’s always interesting to read about your life stories (not that I like to peep into people’s lives). Thank you so much for sharing.
Cheers~
Mark
.-= Mark Foo | TheBigDreamer.com´s last blog ..Your Best Insurance And Retirement Plan: Start A Business =-.
Hi Mark,
Thank you so much for the kind words.
I think your question about what is spiritual is a great one. I think it can mean so many things depending on the person. I truly cannot think of one definition that everyone would agree on. So I guess it depends on the individual!
Hi Nadia,
I always enjoy your thoughts.
I was in the convent for 5 years. I learned a lot of things about myself, community living and spirituality. As you pointed out, the “sum of who I am” includes those experiences both good and bad.
In August I will be married for 40 years. But I am not comfortable with the traditional religious churches and especially many of my relatives who actively practice the religions and judge me harshly. My oldest son has the label of autism and more than one person has told me that is my punishment for leaving the convent.
That has been a struggle. I have spent my life trying to do good works, and to live “in the world, but not of the world.” I understand and take comfort in that. I also know I have made a difference in the lives of many people with severe disabilities.
I don’t think about the nuns much any more. But I do think about living in an inclusive community which values people of all different abilities and gifts.
(After writing this, I know the nuns would have fits at all my “I” statements and condemn me as being egotistical. But, I have also taken many courses in conflict resolution and know that “I” statements are the way to state my truth. So I’m now old enough to just do it and not worry so much about how others judge me.)
Hi Mary,
Thank you so much for sharing your experiences when you lived in a convent. I, too, have heard stories of people who left who were told that they were punished for leaving. As if God or the Universe, would punish someone for doing what was right for them.
I was punished by my family for making the decision to leave the world and be more spiritual. I have a post coming up on Monday about all of that. It is sad that people resort to such methods and in my opinion, it is a form of bullying and it is worse when it is spiritual bullying.
Good for you for making a difference in the lives of those who deal with disabilities. That is awesome and good for you for finding a way to be in the world and not of it. We all are trying to find our way, in our own unique way and we are not alone in this journey.
Congratulations, too, on the marriage of 40 years. That is wonderful! Yay!
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