One thing that I had to master for most of my life was not feeling out of place. I have always felt that my sense of being was just different. I often joke that my operating system (meaning myself) was like a MAC while everyone else is running on a PC system.
For years, I swore that I was defective since no one seemed to be like me. My childhood was far from perfect which only added to my feelings of being out of place.
Only in the past few years have I come to see that what made me feel odd for so many years is what makes me the kind of person that I am. Because of this realization, I am finally at peace with who I am and love myself more than I ever have.
Gender Roles
The environment I grew up in and have been surrounded by always valued a woman who was successful and strong. I, on the other hand, was never viewed as being strong because of my free spirited nature. For some reason, being a neurotic basket case holds more weight than being the kind of person who just loves life.
When I was in law school, one of my female classmates came up to me and suggested that I cut my hair because I would be taken more seriously. If someone thinks I am an air-head because I have long hair, then that person is the one who needs to get his/her head examined.
We live in a world where being a woman conjures enough confusion because there are all these stereotypes that are mistaken for being some type of rule or guideline.
What makes matters worse is that women apply these stereotypes to each other more so than men do. In my experience, I have gotten more flack from my fellow females than from men. Why?
The only two “professions” where women earn more than men are pornography and prostitution. Kind of sad, don’t you think? Women still earn less than men and it really bothers me that my dry cleaning bill usually costs more than my husband’s or my dad’s.
Thanks to the generations before me, women are able to be doctors and lawyers without much resistance. I am so grateful to the women who paved the way for us. However, it truly baffles me as to why women can be so critical and harsh to their own kind.
I have seen and experienced all kinds of personal attacks all because a woman has to be a certain way. A strong woman is a woman who is confident in her femininity. A strong woman is not a female trying to act like a man in a skirt.
Yes, there are men who are perverts and sexists. I have had my share of run-ins with those types too. Men who are like that, to be fair, are not the majority. Most men are decent people trying to find their way.
How Men Treat One Another
The great thing about men when they disagree with each other or dislike one another is that they just fight it out and it is over. We women, on the other hand, have memories that can surpass any computer.
Men will usually not trash a guy for his clothes or hair, but women often do. I once heard a woman talk about another woman for a half hour because this other lady wore linen in late September. I had no idea that there was a timeline for when to wear linen and seriously, who cares.
The other area where women seem to have battle lines drawn is between those who work and those who stay at home. I have read various articles by women commenting on how bad it is for women to stay home. I have seen the reverse too.
Yet there are never any articles by men who criticize other men for their lifestyle choices (excluding sexual orientation).
I have seen my husband talk to his friends and their conversations seem so relaxed. Nothing overly personal seems to be discussed. I have to admit, I admire the ease of it all. It seems much more simple.
Just Be
When we were newly married, my husband watched me as I raced to get ready to meet an old friend of mine. He asked me why was I so stressed about how I look. I told him that I did not want my friend to think less of me if I was more natural looking.
It sounded logical in my head but the moment I said it, I realized how stupid it was and my husband’s reaction confirmed it to me. At that point, I decided that I was no more going to care what my friends thought.
The funny thing is that the friend I was going to meet that day, soon disappeared from my life (along with others like her) without me having to do anything. It just worked out that way.
Life is meant to be simple and human interactions are meant to be simple too. However, we have messed it up due to things like judgment, gossip and wanting to feel superior to another.
You want to have awesome friends, be an awesome friend. I recently have come to see that we teach others how to treat us by how we treat ourselves. Think you are worthless, people will mirror that back to you.
So the next time you are out and about in the world, shine like the superstar you are.
Note: Just so you know, tomorrow we are heading up to NYC with Lisis of Quest for Balance and her family for a holiday weekend. So there will be a delay in responding to comments. Have no worries, even though I will be away for the next few days, the posting schedule will remain the same and there will be new content as always.
Click here to read more about the recent changes at Happy Lotus.
{ 40 comments }
What an interesting post! For me, the judgments I felt the strongest in life revolved around money. When I was little, I thought we had money (that’s debatable now!). When I was 10, we went broke. We moved because of it, and for the next 15 years, I spent my life “getting by” but resenting anyone who had money, and feeling defensive around them. So I couldn’t agree more with your assertion that essentially we’re all superstars from the day we’re born, but that slips away in favor of the fear-based things we learn along the way. As Marianne Williamson said in “Return to Love,” it’s our learning of judgment, separation, comparison, “better than,” and the like that casts shadows on love and our innate superstardom.
Thank goodness we can always choose in the direction of love again if we’re able to awaken to it.
Blessings and joy, Nadia! Enjoy NYC!
.-= Megan “JoyGirl!” Bord´s last blog ..The Kids Who “Get It” =-.
Hi Megan,
Most of the human drama that we see everyday is based on the illusion of separation and the concept that in order to be good, we have to be better than another. Competition, on one level, is a good thing because it challenges people to create better goods and services. However, competition in human relations really never does anything. I have been in situations where people envied me and vice versa. Nothing healthy or worthwhile ever comes from that. We each have value.
Thank you for the well wishes on the trip. I am looking forward to it!
“You want to have awesome friends, be an awesome friend. I recently have come to see that we teach others how to treat us by how we treat ourselves. Think you are worthless, people will mirror that back to you.”
This was a sentence I was thinking of for a long time, you just put it into words. I had a very lazy year in school, and now that I am forming a rock band my friends (especially girls, guys are okay) are questioning whether we’ll be able to take it seriously enough. I didn’t take myself enough seriously for the last year. Now the people around me don’t treat me seriously enough.
I’m 100% that’s a reversible process, though.
Wish me luck
Cheers,
Zoli
.-= Zoltán Cserei´s last blog ..All days are perfect =-.
Hi Zoli,
Good for you on the band! I was in a band once and it was so much fun. So what kind of music do you play? Very cool.
Nothing in life lasts forever, so you can definitely reverse whatever you want. It starts with you. Just be who you want to be and people will mirror that back to you. Trust me, it works. I used to have the same issue. So if I could do it, so can you!
Hi Nadia,
This is really interesting. I’ve learnt about this characteristic of women from my female friends. You see, I know quite a number of women who feel the same way as you. All of them have more guy friends than gal friends because they feel much more comfortable hanging out with men than women. They think that women are too critical of one another and women are petty and they get jealous over nothing, all of which you won’t see in men. Now that you’re talking about it, it seems to me this is a universal characteristic in women, no matter which culture they are from. Women are so hard to fathom…… We men are much more simpler creatures.
Enjoy your trip to NYC! Say ‘Hi’ to Lisis!
Cheers~
Mark
.-= Mark Foo | TheBigDreamer.com´s last blog ..How To Achieve Financial Freedom =-.
Hi Mark,
So it is a global characteristic? I am not surprised. I wish women could be more supportive of women. It is funny how you said women are hard to fathom, many women say the same about men. Kind of interesting.
Hope all is well!
There is a trade off, however, that not many people are aware of. Male friendships are easy and relaxed, but they also tend to be very superficial. We almost never talk about anything meaningful or deep with each other, saving those conversations for the women in our lives. It’s really rare to have a deep, soulful connection between two men.
Women, on the other hand, quite often have deep and soulful connections with each other. You share hugs, tears, laughter…everything. Yes, sometimes women can be really cruel to each other, but you can also be really great to each other, too.
.-= Jay Schryer´s last blog ..Happy Birthday, Baby =-.
Hi Jay,
That is very true. Great point. We can be very supportive of each other when need be. I have one friend who lives far away and we rarely talk but the moment she is in trouble or needs help, I am the first one she calls. But to be fair, women can have superficial friendships too. I think it depends on the people involved and how unconditional they are in their love/support. I have a few amazing friends I have made as a result of this blog and we all are that way to each other. So it does happen.
Hi Nadia,
I think Jay brings up an excellent point, and one I tend to agree with. Women can also have very deep and meaningful connections, usually more so than men can.
In the end, though, for me – it’s all about respecting others. I can’t know exactly where you (or anyone else) is completely coming from, not having walked in your shoes. And that’s so important to remember. We call come into any situation or relationship with all of our past that has led us to where we are today. And that’s not something I know with complete certainty about anyone – even including those closest to me. So important to remember… and when we do, I think it’s so much easier to respect “everyone”.
Enjoy your very wonderful weekend coming up – how fun to get together with Lisis and her family!
.-= Lance´s last blog ..Where Is This Journey Taking Me? =-.
Hi Lance,
I totally agree with you that we have no idea what someone’s past was like and why they do what they do. I have held that belief for a long time and I have come to see that our behavior is truly a reflection of previous experiences. I think so often people hold certain views of the world and they project that onto others. That was my point of this post…judging, gossiping and all those other negative things really do not do anything and they sure do not serve a purpose. We have to be who we are and be true to that and shine as brightly as we can. As I said, we teach others how to treat us by how we treat ourselves.
Hi Nadia –
First comment: I think you’re a bit too negative with your statement about how women make more than men in only two professions – porn and prostitution. I wouldn’t be surprised if women make more than men in professions that are are more female dominant, like secretarial work, child care, modeling, and nursing. In fact, I’d argue that the gender discrimination for child care is enormous. If you’re looking for a nanny, would you hire a man over a women?
Second comment: I hear all the time about how some women have a hard time being friends with other women, because of the gossiping, backstabbing, and pettiness. But in my personal experience, I haven’t really had that. I’m not sure why. Maybe I’m too naive to see it? Maybe I don’t engage with those types of people? I don’t know. I’ve had deep, meaningful, and great relationships & friendships with women.
.-= Vi | Maximizing Utility´s last blog ..To Care or Not To Care =-.
Hi Vi,
Thank you for sharing your input.
Actually, the only two professions where women out earn men are pornography and prostitution. I got that statistic from a book that was written which compares incomes between men and women. And if I were to hire a nanny, I would hire the person who was best qualified, regardless of gender. Granted, that may not be the case for everyone and that is the problem. Gender stereotypes never do any good and that was my point. People should be treated well regardless of gender, race, religion and social economic status.
As for what you wrote about female friendships, that is awesome that you have had such wonderful experiences.
That has not been my past experience. Actually, only until I started this blog did I start to have friendships with women who were really loving and supportive.
This post shines like a superstar! I love it!
Have fun on your trip with Lisis! I’m sure it’ll be a blast with you two superstars.
.-= Positively Present´s last blog ..want to be happier? stop avoiding unhappiness =-.
Hi Dani,
Thank you so much. We plan to have a blast!
You raise some thought provoking points, here, Nadia.
I found a real sense of peace the day I started working on blessing the folk who judged me and mentally thanking them for the lessons I was learning through them. The more folk push my buttons, the more work I have to do on asking myself why those people especially, and those behaviours in particular, affect me so much. Sometimes I see something in them that’s a warning to me not to become like them because I have the seeds of that behaviour; other times, the lessons are more complex and need me to go back years to unravel the reasons. It’s hard, but it’s worked well enough in the past for me to believe in its worth as a way of life as well as a tool. I still have to bless my ‘enemies’ often as I have deep streaks of judgementalism and hypocrisy in me, and like everyone I know, have moments where I blur humour and gossip, but I try, as much as I can, to focus on what unites us all rather than what divides us.
I have a teenage girl and a boy, and it’s intriguing to see the differences as they grow up. My boy plays football, and it’s a great social leveller. Girls can go through hell at high school because of some of the behaviours you described above, but also because of how difficult society often makes it for boys to have platonic relationships with girls.
I hope you and Lisis and the guys have a great holiday weekend!
.-= janice´s last blog ..Alfonsina and the Sea =-.
Hi Janice,
You are so right, the people who cause us pain are often great teachers. Very true. I have come to see that in my past, I was surrounded with people who were not like me. The reason being I had no idea who I was. Plus I had tremendous pressure to be and act a certain way. Needless to say, I was the odd one out because my true way of being was at odds and I think people sensed that. Therefore, that has brought about all kinds of stuff for me. I think it is so important to be true to who you are and to be accepted for that. I have had to work really hard to achieve that due to the kind of environment I was in at that time.
The amazing thing is that when I started to be true to who I was, I started to meet people who were more like me. It all starts with us and that is the point that I so much wanted to make with this post. We teach people how to treat us but how we view and treat ourselves. Gender difference will always be a reality if we keep focused on what makes us different as opposed to seeing what unifies us.
Hi Nadia,
Great article. I’m not sure the world of male friendships is utopian. Most of my friends are female. Women are more willing to connect than men are.
Male or female, we’re driven by comparison and approval. Perhaps this fear, more than anything else, keeps many of us imprisoned in conventional lifestyles.
Thanks for the insight. Hope all is well!
.-= Kaushik´s last blog ..A Gentle Honesty =-.
Hi Kaushik,
You hit the nail on the head. The purpose of this post was not to focus on gender differences but rather show that there is no need to engage in comparison and wanting approval for being better or superior. We should be allowed to be who we are and be at peace with who we are. I know this sounds idealistic but people would be so much happier if they were not afraid of being viewed as being less than whatever is considered superior. Secure people allow other people to be themselves. Insecure people are the ones who judge and gossip and take pleasure in bringing someone down. Granted, constructive criticism is different. I am talking about malicious behavior.
All is awesome over here and I hope the same is true with you, my friend!
It’s a great reminder to lead from the inside out. What gets mirrored back as feedback, is input. You can use it as is, or filter for what’s useful, or ignore it. At the end of the day, it’s about … what do you want to accomplish? I know a lot of folks that find their happiness by leading from the inside out, living their values and playing to their strengths. It’s powerful.
Hi JD,
You are so right, what is mirrored back is input and we can learn from that input. I think the key is that the more we come to understand who we are and find the beauty in that, the more likely we will like what is reflected back to us.
Hi Nadia,
These are all wonderful observations. I also wish women would open their hearts to one another. We are definitely our own harshest critics. It is another thing that comes down to how we choose to live our own life. It all rests on our own shooulders. We must love our self, and consciously choose to love others. We can change things around one person at a time!
.-= Jodi at Joy Discovered´s last blog ..Announcements =-.
Hi Jodi,
That is so true. Each moment we have a choice as to how we want to be. We can choose love or we choose fear or whatever. I really believe that change starts with the individual. Like Gandhi said “be the change you want to see in the world”.
To belong and not to be seperated from the pack I was part of made me look for external approval, even when that meant doing things my heart did not agree with.
It was not until I belonged to a different pack that had more authentic members that I learned to listen to my internal approval system and that it did matter to what pack I belonged. It took me a long time though to really let my heart approve me ,rather than having other people approving me. But I feels good, me approving me.
.-= Wilma Ham´s last blog ..How I dare to ignore the recession. =-.
Hi Wilma,
You are so right. Learning to love oneself is not an easy journey. So often we look for self-love via external sources when in reality, the source for that love is within us. I am happy that you have found that self-approval and a group that mirrors that back to you. That is such a gift!
Hi Nadia,
Youre so right. I like the way you put it in words..that friendships whether with a man or a woman depend on how we are as friends. If we let someone get to us in the negative way..they will get to us..irrespective of the gender. My dad always used to tell me while i was in school and had friend trouble..
“You must make your personality such that it automatically demands respect and compassion without you saying one single word. Learn to be loving and respectful yourself first and then everyone around you will do the same. You don’t have to try so hard to fit in. True friends don’t see HOW you are ..they see WHO you are. ”
This piece of advice has helped me immensely during my teenage and college years…and even now although my Dad is in the safe heavens of the Lord…i know its through his strength and encouragement today i have reached a stage where i dont need to worry about OTHERS. Cause as it is true friends will always remain true…the rest are just dime a dozen..will come and go with years.
p.s. Have a great weekend with Lisis and her family in NYC…ahh what fun….It brings smiles to my face just thinking about two like minded soulful people meeting….The soul connection is what ultimately matters.
.-= Zeenat-Positive Provocations´s last blog ..Want to be healthier?Learn To ENJOY more. =-.
Hi Zeenat,
Your father gave you excellent advice and it is so true. A true friend loves you unconditionally and allows you to be you. If someone does not allow another that kind of acceptance and love, then that person is not a friend.
We had a great time with Lisis and her family. It was a joy and a weekend full of fun. It definitely was a soul connection! Hope all is well with you!
Hi Nadia .. you’re on your way .. enjoy the weekend with family and friends – should be fun and enlightening .. lots to share, people to love, new experiences and relaxation..
Friends .. I have friends from time immemorial .. over the years .. mostly female friends, or couples .. though I have recent men friends too .. perhaps I’ve become more open as time has gone on. I am independent though & now make friends of relations or ‘distant’ relatives at this time of contact re illness of my mother or uncle – elderly and young. I guess I’ve worked some of it out – but definitely not all .. and my buttons still get bashed!
I know you’ll enjoy your time together .. I’ll be thinking of you ..
Hilary Melton-Butcher
Positive Letters Inspirational Stories
.-= Hilary´s last blog ..Sea at the end of the tunnel …. =-.
Hi Hilary,
The weekend was a joy and we all had fun.
I think as we evolve and grow, our friendships evolve and grow too. So it is natural for people to come in and out of our lives. When I was taking care of my mom, I could not talk with my friends because my reality at that time had changed and it was hard to relate to them. When my mom passed away, I ended up making new friends because I had changed so much. So your experience sounds familiar.
Hope all is well!
hmm a good one
for quite sometime i was this one girl who was effected by what others thought , how they reacted and blah blah blah!
over last few months , with help of some very good frnds i have been able to overcome this
why in the world should i think will the other party approve, if i m not comfortable?
i m still heading on this path to totally clarify my state of mind
i have left behind self-criticism and started to take things as they come !
your post adds to my confidence
thanx
Hi Mini,
I am happy to be of help. Jusst be you and the rest will fall into place when you learn to accept who you are and see the beauty in it.
Hey, I wanted to go to NYC too! Whiiiiiine.
This post touched me deeply to my very core, Nadia.
I am wondering if female smallness of spirit has in some way to do the survival of the species, but I can’t for the life of me think of what it could be. To get more men? Get the best men? Have more babies? What’s the evolutionary role?
Love your attitude, Nadia. You are a special spirit and what you share of yourself is a gift to us readers.
Well, off now to order my new fall linen suit, I think white will be nice, perfect for after Labor day.
Thinking of getting massive hair extensions too.
.-= Jannie Funster´s last blog ..46 Blogging Observations So Far =-.
Hi Jannie,
You are so funny! You made me laugh, thank you! I have no idea why some women do what they do. Maybe it is insecurity or maybe the person has a void in their life so they take it out on others? A happy person would not be so petty. At least, that is my opinion.
Thank you for all the kind words too. It means a lot coming from another free spirit like you!
Hope all is awesome with you and as for NYC, maybe one day you will play your music there!
Hey Nadia, it’s interesting because my current fave reads (Hal and Sidra Stone) discussed this a fair bit. He says that even in the strongest women there exists what is called an inner patriarch. Even in this day and age we all grow up in an environment of gender beliefs and values, and in everyone there is a secret patriarch (and matriarch) that enforces these sometimes unhealthy values on us without us even knowing. Amazing stuff.
.-= Albert | UrbanMonk.Net´s last blog ..How To Stop Fearing Time =-.
Hi Albert,
Great point. Often our behaviors are a product of how we were raised. Many follow these patterns without questioning them and some change direction. I will look into those two writers. Thank you, Albert!
ya i agree, in india , where i live, women are sometimes still looked open as lesser beings
but i believe that we women have a greater capabilty of managing things- family , work et al
we are compassionate beings and have our own hidden strengths
all human beings have been crafted by good in a special way
and so be ita man or woman ………… all are unique!
Hi Mini,
Yes, all are unique and all are important!
Hi Nadia .. glad you had a good time. Yes – we’re well and ‘plodding along’ if you can call blogging … plodding?! The future looks really interesting, sad along the way .. but we’ve had a good time and having a future is important – it’ll make that transition easier.
Thanks for the support .. it’s good to have friends we can relate to ..
Hilary Melton-Butcher
Positive Letters Inspirational Stories
.-= Hilary´s last blog ..How are the Romans, Monty Python and Jugglers all linked to Scotland? =-.
Hi Hilary,
If my experience can be of any help, when my mother passed, I experienced two emotions. My initial emotion was that I was happy for my mother because her suffering was over and then there was the shock that I no longer had a mother. I had an identity crisis because my mother was so much a part of my life that a life without her was weird.
It was an interesting time. It took a while to adjust to the idea of not having a mother. That first year after her passing is a blank. I really do not remember most of it. I am always here if you need someone to talk to or whatever.
Hi Nadia .. thanks so much for that .. I think I will be alright as I’ve set my sail for the future and I’m extremely resilient and seem to be able to rationalise things for myself. It’s been a long haul 2.5 years so far .. and she’s still happily communicating a bit (despite a major op in May?!) .. so could go on! As I can relate with her and give her what she wants now .. I have mainly – just need the ipod at the ready for when she just needs peace and quiet with me there, which I struggle with as I ‘need to get on’. The ipod scenario should be mastered in the coming 10 days or so.
It is an interesting time .. and despite the challenges I’m enjoying the process, as I learn so much, and am now learning so much more ..
I’m sure I won’t have your blank .. I’ve been through so much and coped, not as bad as you, but things others haven’t been through .. so I’m really grateful for your thoughts .. I have Janice a wonderful lady here, who practises butterfly massage on my Ma and reiki etc & is definitely connected with higher beings and she has helped so much – she’s been with us two years now .. amazing. I had her going in 5 days a week for my Ma (& me) .. but we’ve cut it back to two .. she’ll be there with us at the end .. and I suspect she’ll know before we do that Mum is going. Janice is a trained nurse, nursed aids babies in the States, which is where she learnt her butterfly massage .. I can’t say how lucky I am to have someone on the doorstep when I’ve needed her .. but fortunately I find other outlets .. as it gets too much for Janice – and she can’t take it (ie she absorbs it and it doesn’t do her any good) .. I learn so much! I need to respect her ‘space’ and realise she can’t take on my problems ie admin with the management etc.
So all in .. I am so grateful for your thoughts and one day I hope we’ll catch up and become real live kindred spirits .. Many many thanks – Hilary
.-= Hilary´s last blog ..How are the Romans, Monty Python and Jugglers all linked to Scotland? =-.
Hi Hilary,
You are most welcome. One of the many great things about life is that each journey is different, so no two paths can be compared. My mother’s battle with cancer was about six months, so it was short and intense. That is probably why the first year was so blank.
Your attitude is wonderful and I am happy for you. It is great that you have Janice to assist you and that you are making the best out of the situation. As for catching up one day, I would love that.
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