The subject of love has been on my mind a lot lately. Recently, I overheard someone telling their friends how they had met the woman that they thought was the one they would marry. He loved her personality, thought she was very pretty and thought she was the sweetest woman alive.
He talked about how he and this one woman were communicating over email. He was eagerly looking forward to meeting her. Apparently, he had known her for years but it had been sometime since they last saw one another.
When the weekend came for them to meet, he was devastated. The woman, even though she was still pretty, had gained some weight and that was the end of the romance. What made this story even sadder was that the man and his friends (which included a few women) were all overweight.
As I heard the story from the other side of the divider, I was tempted to stand up on the table and give them a piece of my mind but I talked myself out of it. I silently prayed that the woman who was dumped realizes on some level that she was better off without that guy.
I know that when it comes to love, there is an element of physical attraction. There is no denying the importance of that but to dump someone over a few pounds seems kind of harsh. I realize that this may sound judgmental and that is not my intention. Often, people talk about how they want a truly loving relationship but their actions seem the opposite of love. People want unconditional love yet they seem to create so many conditions and/or obstacles.
People set standards for their ideal mate yet overlooking the fact that what makes you fall in love with someone is their soul and not their outer labels. Men have criteria over how a woman has to look and women tend to want a man who has lots of money. Granted, these are generalizations and not everyone is like that (thank God).
What is sad is that some women worry that if they lose their looks, their husbands will go find a younger and prettier model. Many men worry about whether or not a woman will love them regardless of how much money they make. Seems everyone is worrying about something that does not really need to be a reality. Yes, men have left their wives for other women and some women do marry a man for his money. However, that does not mean that everyone adheres to the same behavior or belief system.
Let’s face it, looks and money may come and go. Neither are representatives of love. Money may pay the bills to keep you warm but a loving hug is truly priceless. Looks, although wonderful to the eye, really are not an indication of the quality of the individual’s soul.
Love is formless and boundless. Love gives because that is what love is supposed to do. Imagine trying to confine the ocean, you cannot. Love is like that yet we humans confine it due to fear or ego or whatever issues we have. Love does not tear down or condemn. Love celebrates and rejoices in the beauty that is you.
Unconditional love means a love that allows another person to be who they are without fear of negative repercussion or rejection. Unconditional love means accepting a person as they are and seeing the beauty in who they are. When you can stand in your glory and have someone stand behind you…that is one of the best feelings in the world and that is unconditional love at its best.
Many of the problems we see in the world come from a lack of love. Most people who commit crime do not come from a loving place. If they knew love, they would not do the things that they do. No one, in their right mind, wants to do something bad but if you have no idea of what is good, how can you know what is bad? If all you know is darkness, how can you shine light? Happy people want other people to be happy and loving people want others to experience love.
I realize that to practice unconditional love is scary when you have been hurt. Trust me, I have been there and I know the agony of love denied. However, to carry the past relationship into a new relationship is not very fair. Each soul is different so take a chance and give love. If someone does not return your love, then you are better off without them. If someone does return your love, then you are on a wonderful journey. You are a winner either way. Give unconditional love and it will come back to you eventually.
With this in mind, the song for today is an old song that was written by Tim Hardin and performed by Bobby Darin and it is called If I Were A Carpenter. The video for the song is an actual performance by Bobby Darin. The song sounds different than the recorded version but it is still really good. The lyrics are below the video.
If I Were A Carpenter
If I were a carpenter
And you were a lady
Would you marry me anyway
Would you have my babyIf a tinker were my trade
Would you still find me
Carrying the pots I’d made
Following behind meSave my love through loneliness
Save my love for sorrows
I’ve given you my onliness
Come give me your tomorrowsIf I worked my hands in wood
Would you still love me
Answer me babe say “yes I would
I’ll put you above me”If I were a miller
At a mill wheel grinding
Would you miss your colored blouse
Your soft shoe shiningIf I were a carpenter
And you were a lady
Would you marry me anyway
Would you have my babyWould you marry me anyway
And have my babyyyyyyyyyyyyy
{ 46 comments }
Nadia,
What a great message. No matter what, in this journey through our lives, what matters in love is what is true, meaningful, and from the soul. Sure, it’s easy to get swept in by the outer appearance of love (looks, money, fame, position, etc). In really building that day to day relationship, though, how much do these outer appearances really matter? Not hardly at all – especially when it comes to being meaningful. Nadia, this is such a good message to read, and as I do I’m reminded of my marriage, and that what really makes it what it is, – it’s that deeply meaningful love. And a great song to go along with this….
.-= Lance´s last blog ..Sunday Thought For The Day =-.
Hi Lance,
It is wonderful that your marriage is based on the deep meaningful love. What a blessing.
I think so often in life we forgot that ultimately that is what this whole journey is about…love. The irony is that we have distorted that word so much, we just don’t what it is when it hits us.
So often I see people looking for love and yet it is in front of them but they are so blinded to it because what they see does not match the image in their mind. Love is a great journey and it requires risk but it is so worth it.
Hope all is awesome!
This is beautiful, Nadia! A beautiful message, and one which you have written beautifully. People forget that love is a connection between two souls, and that souls don’t have color, or weight, or height, or a bank account. Love exists on the inside, unfettered by external trappings.
.-= Jay Schryer´s last blog ..The Last Boy Scout =-.
Hi Jay,
I loved the last sentence “Love exists on the inside, unfettered by external trappings”. So true. Love just is and has no labels or forms. It is so large and unconditional. It truly is so beautiful.
Beautiful message (and song!). “If someone does not return your love, then you are better off without them.” I completely agree. You’ve got to give love anyway, if you ever hope to be loved back… trusting enough to be a little vulnerable is just part of it. But if the other person can’t appreciate that, you’re definitely better off moving on to someone else.
The guy in your story would have driven me nuts, too! The nerve!
.-= Lisis´s last blog ..Inspiration from Osho: Three Truths About Life =-.
Hi Lisis,
I have always been of the mindset that it is better “to have loved and lost than not to love at all”. I used to think that everyone was capable of loving so freely and easily but with time, I came to see that some people really struggle with love and I was amazed. Goes to show you how clueless I can be at times. But whatever the case may be, nothing is more powerful and long lasting than love. Love rules!
HI Nadia,
So the truth does eventually come out….you cant hide behind superficiality for too long…it will catch up on you. But true love is what will eventually save the day and You!
I love this message. Its truly what each and every one of us needs to know and understand. The superficiality of love is whats sold these days…by the media and others…Even if you read the matrimonial ads in the newspaper here it says “Tall, slim, fair and beautiful girl wanted for marriage for…..” See what i mean. The regularity of expecting superficial traits irrespective of internal beauty is what i think leads to divorces so early on in some marriages.
Being a person who has always suffered from a weight issue…I used to have that insecurity all through my high school days…but in time and with the love of my darling hubby…i have totally forgotten about that. Today i strive to be healthy. When youre in love and live together…and go through in sickness and in health….i dont think sickness on anyone looks like the model does in the Gucci Ad
.-= Zeenat{Positive Provocations}´s last blog ..On Compassion{Inspirational Quote of the Week} =-.
Hi Zeenat,
I know what you mean about the matrimonial ads. I have a few friends who were married via those ads and it was interesting to see the descriptions. Many were based on looks, it was heartbreaking. Because someone could be truly a beautiful soul and yet their physical description may not match. So depressing on so many levels.
Like you, I used to have that same exact insecurity when I was younger too. It is amazing how that insecurity can vanish when you learn to love yourself and when someone loves you without condition. I am happy that you are married to someone who shows you such love. What a blessing!
And the truth can never be hidden for long…it always come out someway and somehow. Hope all is well!
Thank you Nadia. Your words on love are beautiful. They make me believe in love again.
God bless
Most of all , I needed to hear that giving unconditional love, is all that matters.
Hi Uzma,
You are most welcome and thank you for all the kind words.
Please do not give up on love….being able to feel and express love is such a gift and blessing. I know it can be hard to believe in love when our hearts have been broken. If we give in to that pain, then we have given the person who hurt us more power than they deserve.
Hi Nadia,
This is a wonderful message. I would have been wanting to stand on my desk and shout, too, but I think you made the right choice to stay seated-ha! My dream is that each and every human finds someone in their lives to love them unconditionally. This kind of love is so satisfying and so uplifting. It is also my dream that each human finds someone to love unconditionally. Both sides of love, sending and receiving, are so important. This is in regards to romantic relationships…Something that saddens me is that all too often people don’t experience unconditional love inside their families. Why is this? Why can’t a father or a mother love their child/ren unconditionally? Shouldn’t it start there? I know there are legacies of dysfunction that are passed down from one generation to the next…but I really think if each generation could try harder to let go of the pain they experienced in their own childhoods – and begin again with a clean slate, so much pain would be healed, and many more “whole” people would be sent out in the world to give and recieve love.
.-= Jodi at Joy Discovered´s last blog ..Off the Shelf: 365 Tao~Time =-.
Hi Jodi,
I so much loved your comment. It was beautiful and so true. Sounds like you have experienced unconditional love and practice it which is such a blessing. Good for you!
It is funny…for most of my life, I have been so focused on finding happiness and my place in the world. When I started to feel that happiness and inner peace, I began to look at other people with more interest. It has been a huge eye-opener to see the extent of pain that so many of us are in and to see how fear has taken over our lives. People talk about how there is a battle between good and evil. I think it more like a battle between love and fear. I have no doubt that love will win the battle but I hope it comes sooner than later. Too many people are hurting for no reason.
Nadia, this is beautiful!
Your words sprung off the page, “Give unconditional love and it will come back to you eventually.” The love you give will also come back in the form of self love.
I listened to the video and got goosebumps; what a beautiful Sunday morning it has been.
I thank you for your words today, Nadia, and for bringing your own love into the world via your writing, here, for us.
.-= Lori´s last blog ..Liking the Lichens =-.
Hi Lori,
When I was a kid, my mom loved this song and would play it often. I would lie down in the yard and just look at the clouds while listening to it. There is something haunting about it…but in a good way. I have no idea how to describe it but I just love the song. And yes, when you give love, it does come back in the form of self-love. Very awesome!
Hi Nadia .. I always am so pleased for those of my friends, and family who have stayed together and have happy relationships – it give us all hope; similarly I’m pleased if people can separate/divorce and stay friends .. being adults I guess.
Being happy and positive are so important – thanks
Hilary Melton-Butcher
Positive Letters Inspirational Stories
.-= Hilary´s last blog ..Sting like a bee? Dance like a bee? =-.
Hi Hilary,
You are right, being happy and positive are so important. By the way, how are you? How are things? You have been in my thoughts and prayers. I hope you are doing well.
Ah, it’s good to be ‘home’! I’ve missed these lovely long explorations of what’s important in life.
As a 50 yr old wife and mum who’s gained more weight since turning 49 and starting a blog than I did after having kids, I’m so glad my my husband is nothing like the guy in your cautionary tale. Love isn’t the same as lust; the media causes a lot of folk to have unrealistic expectations.
.-= janice´s last blog ..The House of the Thousand Horrormoans =-.
Hi Janice,
Yay…you are here!
Great point about the media. They sure do encourage unrealisitic expectations. So often the stories we see are about lust and not love. I think people confuse the two much more often than they think.
I love this post! I used to think that physical attraction came first and then love could blossom from there. I’ve learned, though, that in those days I was living from the physical and not the spiritual part of myself. My life was 80% ego-driven. Now it’s more like 35% ego-driven and 65% spiritually driven (and did you know that 83.4% of all statistics are made up on the spot?!). You said something magnificent here, “Love celebrates and rejoices in the beauty that is you.” When I realized I was in-love with Andy, my heart was what told me. I could literally feel love for him in my chest, and would touch my heart area to see if it was bulging out at all. That’s how energized he made me! And it wasn’t until I fell in-love with him that a physical attraction naturally followed. I had known him for six years prior to the start of our romance and never once considered him in “that” way. But once my heart chose him, he became the Brad to my Angie.
Real love makes everyone look beautiful to us. Fear is what drives our eyes away.
Happy Sunday, beautiful Nadia!
.-= Megan “JoyGirl!” Bord´s last blog ..It’s a Jungle Out There =-.
Hi Megan,
I know I have told you this so many times before but I am so happy for you. Yay!
Your description of when you realized you had fallen in love with Andy is so similar to my experience. Like you, I used to think that physical attraction came first and then love. I learned that it is completely different. It is amazing what love can do and yes, it does make everyone and everything in life look beautiful. And you know what? Everything and everyone are beautiful.
Nadia, this article is just beautiful. A wonderful message in beautiful words!
Hi Lotus,
Thank you so much. You are so sweet and kind. I hope that all is well with you!
Coming from a loving place is a great way to put it. Mindset makes all the difference.
.-= J.D. Meier´s last blog ..The Power of Patterns and Practices =-.
Hi JD,
So much of life boils down to perception. Actually, I think it is all about perception. For that is the launching pad for how we will react and feel.
Hi Nadia,
Thank you for sharing such a heartfelt message. As I was reading the part about the guy dumping the gal because she had gained weight, I was right there with you. She is much better off without him.
Because I’m such a sucker for happy endings, your post made me think “why”. Why do people feel a dream mate has to match “xyz”? Why are so many people remaining single? Why do we worry about what others think? Why…???
When I met the man who became my husband 24 years ago, he wasn’t at all what I thought my “perfect” mate would be, but I remained open minded and gave us a chance. To this day, when he walks into the room, my heart still goes pitter patter.
.-= Barbara Swafford´s last blog ..The 15 Minute Post =-.
Hi Barbara,
What you wrote about your husband is so sweet. I am so happy that your heart still goes “pitter patter” when he walks into a room.
As for your questions, I have often wondered such things too. I think it boils down to being insecure. When a person is insecure, their sense of self is determined by what others think about them. So if others think they are good, then they feel that they are good. I struggled with insecurity for years and as a result, my romantic relationships were disasters. Only when I started to love myself was someone able to love me in the way that I so much desired. Ironically, when I started to love myself and know myself better, I realized that my “ideal man” was totally different than what I had thought.
Hi Nadia! That song is so beautiful! Perfectly suits the post too. Pity that guy doesn’t realize, on any level but the superficial, the love he through away. I sure wouldn’t want HIS karma! And congrats on the duct tape – it couldn’t have been easy to listen to that drivel!
Hubs and I were just talking about love, how we fell in love, the intense emotions of 30 years ago, and how “right” we felt together. We had each been divorced twice already – kinda scary with that track record – but neither of us had any doubts we were meant to be together. And here we are! I tease him I didn’t marry him for the money – he had none!
Ironic how this story centered around weight too. My son (28) always dated thin athletic girls, but now his choice is quite “heavy” (stark contrast)and he is really smitten. I am so happy he is happy, and I’m so happy he wasn’t like the guy in your story!
.-= suzen´s last blog ..Getting Forked – Flashbacks =-.
Hi Suzen,
Trust me, it was so hard to keep my mouth shut. I so much wanted to give that dude a piece of my mind but realized it would not really do anything. So I kept my mouth closed. I was kind of proud of myself. Years ago, I would have ranted and raved. So there is growth, yay!
Congratulations on thirty years of being together and isn’t cool how when you just know that this person is the one you are meant to be with? I had heard so many stories about that but never understood until I met my husband.
As for your son, that is so awesome and like you, I am thrilled he is not like that guy in my story.
Wow, what a beautiful post. You are so right about all the worries that we all have when it comes to love and relationships. Maybe all of us are more concerned about how society feels about our mates than how we feel about them. As someone still looking for “true love” your post really speaks to me. I have a feeling many people out there commit to relationships for the wrong reasons. There are some very profound lyrics by Pink Floyd (“One Slip”) that have always stuck in my mind, “was it love or was it the idea of being in love?” Hopefully we choose the former and not the latter. Thanks for this thought-provoking post!
.-= Tim´s last blog ..Having Fun With Social Media =-.
Hi Tim,
You are most welcome. I love the lyrics that you shared. So true. I think often we confuse lust for love. I know that I did that throughout my teenage years and most of my twenties. You know…maybe society just does not know what true love is until we are confronted with it? You also raised a great point that some people want society to approve of our mates so we go by what others want instead of what we want. As for looking for your “true love”, may that person arrive sooner than later.
Dear Nadia,
I haven’t listened to the song yet, but here it is for me:
When it came to love the second time around, I had NO idea God would send me the man who once was the boy I first fell in love with back in 1980. When we remet, I wasn’t 98lbs and he didn’t have hair. I was missing a boob and he was missing a finger. We’d both been through war and we both made it out alive.
Through the years that separated our love, he worked to put food on the table for four kids. He graduated high school a functional illiterate ( I knew he couldn’t read back then and he never understood why an honors English student wanted anything to do with him). He learned to read. He worked. He joined the National Guard. He had a successful business as a subcontractor for kitchens and bathrooms. In 2006, he decided to go full time National Guard. He LOVES his job. He has a high school education. That’s it.
I have a master’s degree. I make more money than he does. Neither of us care about who has what diploma or what dollar figure. He’s the yin to my yang, the bread to my butter, the hot fudge to my ice cream sundae.
And I could go on and on and on…but this is just a comment to yet another fabulous post!
Blessings,
Peggy
.-= Peggy´s last blog ..Your Moment of Bliss =-.
Hi Peggy,
Looks like you and your husband were destined to be together….it just required some time part.
Our situation is similar. I am more educated than my husband and usually make more but that has never been an issue for us. It has been an issue for other people but never for us. So I know exactly what you mean.
Blessings to you!
Hi Nadia
I would have loved to see you pull him over the table and give him a piece of your mind and it would not have done him any good, just you and me probably (if we could handle our guilt about us judging him LOL).
We live in a conditional world, everything is based on conditions and it starts as a child. No wonder we love with conditions, we even do it to God, it is invisible to us.
It is great to increase awareness though, to make that conditioning visible. By observing we can eventually correct what we are doing and seperate where conditions have a place and where they have not.
Having an unconditional loving relationship is the best, I agree and has normally nothing to do with outward appearances, thank goodness.
My heart bleeds for young macho guys who go for looks and images and then always get disappointed when the girl does something human.
You have to feel sorry for them in the end because they seldom get the love they are craving for, underneath their own macho image.
It seems some of us are apparently addicted to manufactured images instead of real life people.
I am pleased I am over that addiction.
Thanks for being a stand for unconditional love and being it. Love Wilma
.-= Wilma Ham´s last blog ..My daughter and I on ‘why should you?’. =-.
Hi Wilma,
I have to tell you, it took a lot of self-control not to say something. It was amazing to listen to the whole conversation and hear his friends actually feel sorry for him. In their world, his reaction was normal and from my perspective it was insane. The irony is that I was being judgmental for him being judgmental. The work never ends!
Unconditional love is an amazing thing. I did not experience it until I was in my thirties and I have to tell you, it is such an amazing thing to know that you are loved for who you are regardless of the so called faults. For most of my life, I was really working hard to be as perfect as I could because I always felt defective or a failure. It was a lot of pressure. But when unconditional love came into my life, I was amazed that such love existed and it truly helped heal much of my pain.
I came to see that love is meant to be unconditional but we lost sight of that along the way. I don’t know how it happened or where but it is obvious that we have distorted love. Like you, I am very grateful to be over that addiction too.
Lot’s of people using the word love does not understanding it’s true meaning. Love is not physical, it’s spiritual. When one marries someone it does not mean that love is the binding force. The virtue of love goes deeper, it defies our true nature and allow our us to give our self to others. There’s no reciprocity, no expectation, no auditing, no blaming, no beauty, no form. All that there is is caring and selflessness.
.-= Walter´s last blog ..Deciding point: conquering limitations =-.
Hi Walter,
Amen to that! You said it beautifully.
Love is spiritual and it does go deeper. So true. I am happy that you see it so clearly.
“Many of the problems we see in the world come from a lack of love. Most people who commit crime do not come from a loving place. If they knew love, they would not do the things that they do. ”
I find this SO important to remember. People are not by nature ‘good’ or ‘bad’, they are loved or unloved. Loved people don’t do ‘bad’ things (well, they make mistakes but that’s different). And when I can see people in this way – when I can love everyone – things start to change!
.-= Ian | Quantum Learning´s last blog ..You make a difference =-.
Hi Ian,
Thank you for sharing your input and you are right, when you can apply that belief to everyone, things do start to change. People do things for reasons. Their reasons may seem strange to you and I but to them, it is logical. One of the many keys to dealing with people is to put yourself in their shoes and see life from their perspective. When you do that, you can then understand why some people do what they do.
Hi Nadia,
Giving love unconditionally is a true gift, and any “gift” we give should not have any expectations of getting something in return. Although it’s really hard to stay unattached to the outcomes of the risks we take (especially in matters of the heart), staying unattached allows us to stay attached to our hearts and our creator (our ultimate lover, really). Just thinking out loud here. Thanks for an interesting post that prompted my love musings.
.-= Lori´s last blog ..Spiritual Child’s Play =-.
Hi Lori,
Great point about not expecting anything in return when we give the gift of love. That is so true. Many times we think if we do something nice or loving, we will get a reward. We forget that sometimes we just have to give because that is the right thing to do.
Hope all is awesome.
That song and performance just BLEW me away. I’ve heard my husband listening to some Bobby Darin, but not in this style, it was more of a jazz standard style before. Now don’t get me wrong, I’m a big big fan of old jazz standards. Oh yes! But I love this. And his performance was without guile, inspiring for where I’d like to be on stage too.
Such a sweet song.
And yes ,” seems everyone is worrying about something that does not really need to be a reality.” If we could all just cut that out how much happier we all would be, right?! I do admit I’m worrying a lot less than I used to.
I used to worry a lot.
I used to hurry a lot….
.-= Jannie Funster´s last blog ..It’s All Picnics And Cartwheels Until The Fire Ants Bite =-.
Hi Jannie,
This song is more of a folksy song and it was totally different than his previous work. I love his jazz style songs too but this one song just is so awesome. I am so happy that you enjoyed it too. And I am really happy to know that you are worrying less and hurrying less too. You go, girl!
I like this post, and your message of trying unconditional love but what comes up is something very different.
On romantic love, it would be a dishonest person who said that they are not affected by physical or material characteristics… weight, height, attractiveness, culture, race, a birthmark, or genuineness, a general attractiveness…even when magazine-superficiality is absent, there is judgment on dna and genetic compatability. One is picking a specific partner; of course there will be conditional judgment.
But then romantic love is not Love. When we honestly consider it, romantic love is actually quite selfish–we’re telling the world that there is one special person who is deserving of our unconditional love and commitment and nobody else. Romantic love is resonance–when two people resonate at the same frequency, each person makes the other more present, more connected to Essence. This is good, but there’s also no getting away from the fact that romantic love is the relationship between two egos. This is obvious when there isn’t enough resonance or the resonance changes as one person grows faster than the other.
Big Love is different–it is general compassion, not special, and yet very much so, with the knowledge that I am you and this blade of grass. Big Love is as Rumi says: it’s the way the Sun loves the Earth–unconditional, unselective, and permanent and with no expectation of a return.
.-= Kaushik´s last blog ..Days of Our Discontent — Finding Answers =-.
Hi Kaushik,
It is funny, when I first started to learn about spirituality or rather when I read my first spiritual book, I realized that there were different kinds of love. I also saw how the ego distorts the notion of the romantic relationship. Marianne Williamson called it the “special relationship”. With time, I came to see that a romantic relationship is supposed to be a holy relationship. Meaning that two souls come together and help each other to be their best. A holy relationship is when people realize that love is meant to be unconditional and that the point of the union is spiritual. That was the focus of my post for all romantic relationships are holy relationships. Actually, come to think of it, all relationships are holy. People come into our lives for reasons.
Most people want the romantic notion because that is what their ego tells them to want. However, there are those who are in holy relationships that have nothing to do with ego. Neither you or I can make a judgment as to why people pick their mates. I personally have never thought about dna and genetic compatability when falling in love. There are those that do but I have never been one of those people. And to be candid, that section of your post was a shock to me because my mind just does not think that way. But as I said, there are people do think like that and some of them are my relatives.
What you referred to as Big Love can be experienced by all of us and it is something that I believe in with all my heart. It is my hope that one day I can embody that unconditional love at all times. And I love the Rumi quote.
Hope all is awesome!
To clarify the dna/genetic thing, evolutionary psychologists believe that romantic attraction, at least in part, is influenced by an intuitive sensing of genetic compatibility.
.-= Kaushik´s last blog ..Days of Our Discontent — Finding Answers =-.
Hi Kaushik,
Thank you for the clarification.
I do know of people who do not believe in mixed marriages and who are concerned as to how their children will look. So that is what I thought you were referring to in your comment. So the clarification is quite helpful.
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