In the book Anatomy of the Spirit by Caroline Myss, she writes about the subject of woundology.
Woundology means that we allow our wounds or the pain of what we experienced to define our lives. Often, we let our pain define how we feel, how we think and how we perceive not only ourselves but others, too.
Here is a section from the book:
Prior to beginning the weeklong workshop, I had arranged to have lunch with my dear friend Mary. Having arrived early in the dining room, I joined two gentlemen for tea. Mary entered a while later, and when she walked over to our table, I introduced her to my companions. She had just extended her hand to greet them when another member of the Findhorn community, Wayne, came up to her and asked, “Mary, are you busy on June eighth? We’re looking for someone to escort a guest coming to Findhorn for the day.”
The tone of Mary’s response was as revealing as its length. She snapped, “June eighth? Did you say June eighth?” Suffused with anger and resentment, she continued, “Absolutely not! June eighth is my incest support group meeting, and I would never, ever miss that meeting! We count on each other, after all. We incest victims have to be there for one another. I mean, who else do we have?”
Mary went on for a while longer, but this is as much as I can accurately remember. I was captivated by the instantaneous dramatics triggered by a simple question about her schedule. Wayne hardly took notice of her response, thanked her, and left, but I was astonished. Later, as Mary and I were having lunch, I asked her about her behavior:
“Mary, why, when you were answering Wayne’s question about your schedule, did you have to let all three men know that you had suffered incest as a young girl, that you were still angry about it, that you were angry with men in general, and that you intended to control the atmosphere of the conversation with your anger? All Wayne asked you was, `Are you busy June eighth?’ and in response you gave these three men a miniature therapy class. A simple yes or no would have done fine.”
Mary looked at me as if I had betrayed her. Her body stiffened, and she emphasized her words in an ice-cold, defensive tone: “I answered that way because I am a victim of incest.” She drew back from the table, stopped eating, and threw her napkin over her plate, indicating that our lunch together had come to a close. Although I didn’t realize it at that moment, so had our friendship.
“Mary, honey,” I replied, softening my own tone somewhat, “I know you’re a victim of incest, but what I’m trying to figure out is why you found it necessary to tell two strangers and Wayne your history when all he wanted to know was whether you could help out on June eighth. Did you want these men to treat you a certain way or talk to you in a certain way? What made you lay your wounds out on the table within seven seconds of meeting two new people?”
Mary told me that I simply did not understand because I had not endured what she and numerous other incest victims had gone through, but that she had expected me as a friend to be more compassionate. I replied that lack of compassion had nothing to do with what I was asking her. I could feel the separation of energy between us as I realized that in order for our friendship to continue, I needed to “speak wounds” to Mary, to follow some very specific rules of how a supportive friend was to behave, and to bear always in mind that she defined herself by a negative experience.
In addition to her painful childhood history, Mary also had a history of chronic ailments. She was always in pain–some days emotional, some days physical. Though she was kind and always ready to support her friends, she much preferred the company of people who had also had abusive childhoods. That day at our lunch, I realized that Mary needed to be with people who spoke the same language and shared the same mindset and behaviors. I immediately began to think of this attitude as “woundology.” I have since become convinced that when we define ourselves by our wounds, we burden and lose our physical and spiritual energy and open ourselves to the risk of illness.
When I first read this book thirteen years ago, I was in the midst of healing my bout with woundology. Initially, I was not thrilled at realizing that I did define my life according to the wounds I had gained due to a very painful past.
The problem with human psychology is that we think if we discuss our pain at length it will heal the pain. To be candid, I had discussed my pain for years and it did nothing to heal me. Yes, it did make me aware of why I did what I did but it did not enable me to just get over it and I so much just wanted to be free from it all.
The irony about pain is that the initial event may be in the past but the repercussions are so immense that we carry the pain with us which inevitably causes us to repeat history all over again. We end up feeling that we are trapped but the only person trapping us is ourselves.
The past is past. There is no need to define this present moment or any future moments based on something that happened years ago. In the words of Eckhart Tolle, “We are not our stories.”
Whatever it is that caused you pain does not in anyway define who you truly are. For you are not your pain, you are not your career, you are not your bank account, you are not your weight or looks, you are not your possessions. Then who are you? To put it simply, you are God (meaning you are a part of the Divine). And that, my friends, is what many in spiritual circles call being awakened.
Within all of us are an ego and our Divine self. Our egos thrive on the illusion of duality. It is like a cranky spoiled brat that just wants to complain and judge everyone. It has an opinion about everything and its opinion is always right. The ego will justify all its actions based on the feeling of fear.
Have you ever woken up and just felt miserable for no reason? You look at your life and you realize that there is nothing really bad happening but you just feel sad? So you spend your whole day feeling down just because that is how you feel. That sadness is an illusion. For at your core, there is a spark of Divinity that is always peaceful, happy and at one with everything around you.
Please know that even though you may be aware of your ego, it does not mean that for the rest of your life your ego will just behave and be silent. Trust me, it won’t. It will speak up every now and then. There is no other choice but to learn to live with it.
Whenever my ego starts to speak up, I just let it. Some days I listen to it a little bit more than I should but I am always aware of what is happening and I talk myself through it. With time it has gotten easier but there are days when it requires more effort than I would like. What can I say? I am a work in progress.
The great thing about woundology is that it can be cured. Yes, it does require a lot of work as well as training your mind to perceive yourself and life from a different angle. But therein lies the beauty of being a human being. You are equipped with the ability to overcome whatever it is that holds you back. You do not need any special magical powers or magic spells. You just have to realize and embrace the power that lies within you. It may take time and it may be hard but you are so amazing, that the world needs you to shine bright. For each one of us is important and significant. Just look in the mirror and be aware of how beautiful you truly are.
Special Note: I was interviewed last week by Dayne (who is the force behind The Happy Self blog) about my near death experience and other related matters. It was a fun interview. You can check it out here. Special thanks to Dayne for giving me the opportunity to be featured on your blog and for asking such awesome questions.
{ 54 comments }
A… wounds. Psychological wounds can be like vacuums. They absorb our thinking, they repress good emotions and prevent us from truly enjoying our lives. This I why from my perspective, the process of healing is so important. And I find that it happens mostly in the mind.
I enjoyed your post,
Eduard
Hi Eduard,
I love how you described psychological wounds being like vacuums. That is so true. They can sap us of all our energy, if we allow them to take over. And yes, healing definitely is an internal process. It truly boils down to perception.
Thank you so much for all that you wrote. Have a beautiful day!
> if we discuss our pain at length it will heal the pain. To be candid, I had discussed my pain for years and it did nothing to heal me.
Too true. In fact, I see a lot of cases where if anything, it’s re-enforcing and more like dwelling, than moving forward.
I think it comes down to the questions and focus. Focusing on the pain, such as asking “why me?” or “why this?”, creates a victim spiral. The secret is that the past is about “blame.” When we look to the past, we blame things or reason things or rationalize things. A focus on the past is great for court where blame is at issue, but it’s ineffective when it comes to getting our groove on.
By shifting to the future, and asking solution-focused questions, we empower ourselves. It’s a shift from “why me” to “how to.”
I actually see this a lot when I lead projects. As soon as we start going into pain focus, we start blaming and spiraling down. To break out of it, we simply shift focus to the future … how can we improve this? … or how can we solve this? …. or what’s the solution? The secret is that the future is about opportunity.
It’s such a simple frame we can use everyday – the past, present, or future. The past is blame, the present is about values, and the future is about opportunity.
Hi JD,
I spent so many years in the victim spiral and the blame game. And I can vouch from personal experience that it does no good at all. All it does is keep you stuck in your pain which happened in the past and has nothing to do with the now.
What helped me break the cycle was one day it occurred to me that my true self has nothing to do with the past and that by allowing the pain to continue, I was kind of letting those who hurt me win. Of course, this took place over a series of years but eventually one morning, I woke up and realized that the anger and the hurt was gone. It was very cool.
That said, there are moments when my ego will be louder than usual and I just let it vent and ignore it. Life is what we make out of it and our focus needs to be on making the most out of the moment at hand.
Hope all is awesome.
I enjoyed your discussion of ego and the pain it causes, and it was a great extract from Caroline’s book. Choosing to hold onto our pain, and to define ourselves by it, really does make it impossible to be aware of and open to all the beauty, synchronicity and inspiration in the world. Gratitude for all that’s good becomes tainted or impossible.
Caroline’s anecdote was sad on many levels as well as containing a massive truth. So often relationships change when people evolve at different rates or are in different phases of awareness. Many of the folk I’ve coached are saddened by how many friends and loved ones are threatened by their new-found positivity and habits or their decisions not to focus on the negative or the pain of the past.
But something else struck me in the anecdote; we have to be careful to give warning or ask for permission if we choose to give advice, comment on each other’s challenges or ask provocative questions about patterns or behaviours, even though we may believe we’re doing it for the other person’s ‘benefit’. Only in relationships firmly grounded in mutual trust and love is it anything less than risky.
Another thought provoking read before lunch – thank you!
Hi Janice,
Great point. I have noticed that many of my relationships changed when I became more serious about my spiritual path. I did lose a lot of friends but then again, I also gained a lot of friends too. I have come to notice that not many people want to talk heart to heart. Often (and this includes spiritual people as well) people like to talk mask to mask.
I personally am all for being open and transparent. I do freak some people out by that and at first, that bothered me. But then I realized that life is too short to waste on pretending. None of us are perfect. Once you get over the fear of not being perfect, it becomes so much easier to talk openly. I think many people feel pressured to have it all together and so it becomes hard to acknowledge individual pain. However, when you realize that all of us are works in progress, there is no need to pretend. Just be.
And thank you for a great comment which I read right after eating my lunch!
Hi Nadia,
What a beautiful message to share – that we are not our wounds, or our past. We are our core…and it’s in finding that core – no matter what our past has been – good, bad, or otherwise. And I love how you’ve ended this… “Just look in the mirror…”
.-= Lance´s last blog ..RAOKA: Kindness =-.
Hi Lance,
Thank you for the kind words and for sharing your thoughts. It is all about our core, isn’t it? Hope all is awesome.
Hey Nadia, what a fantastic post!
As one who actually deals with a chronic pain issue, I can really relate to this post big time. It’s amazing how after years of having a pain issue, we do identify ourselves with the pain by taking ownership of it as if it is ours…”my pain”.
I do know that emotions can be held in muscles as pain. Check out “tension myositis syndrome” by Dr. John Sarno. He wrote a great book called, “The MindBody Prescription”. It’s really great. Also, “Emotional Clearing” by John Ruskin. It’s the best book I’ve ever read on emotions.
Thanks again Nadia for this great post and also, doing the interview!
Cheers to you,
Dayne
.-= Dayne | TheHappySelf.com´s last blog ..Face to Face With God : A Near Death Experience =-.
Hi Dayne,
Thank you so much for being so open about your chronic pain. I used to work in the field of chronic pain some years ago and I know how tough that can be. It is interesting because all the patients that I knew, all had a great outlook on life. One person even told me that the chronic pain is a blessing because it reminds them that life is to be enjoyed. I wish healthy people had such an outlook.
Thank you also for all the book recommendations. I will add them to my never ending list. I love to read about the mind-body-spirit connection.
As for the interview, it is I who should thank you. It was a delight to answer your questions and to be featured on your blog.
Hi Nadia,
This post says it all–it is absolutely well done! Being attached to our past and what happened to us is so common. There may be a time when talking about it is necessary, to reach an understanding of it, perhaps. But we are supposed to reach an understanding of it, eventually, and then let it go, and let it rest in peace in our past. The problem is that people get “stuck” in that reconciliation process. When I was younger (high school/college), I would practically announce two particular “stories” of mine upon introducing myself. They were such a huge part of me that I felt obliged to inform new people in my life of their existence. That makes me laugh now…but at the time it made so much sense.
Sometimes it is such a big coup for us to actually realize what happened to us in our past was not our fault, that we were victim to someone else’s poor choices. We are empowered by this. We analyze, we grow, we expand a little. That’s good. But we can’t stop there. The next step is to make peace with all of it and surrender it. There is tremendous freedom in that. To just BE, to actually know and feel that you are indeed a spark of the divine is truly living.
I really appreciate you writing about your own experience with the ego, how you still have those days when the ego chatters on too much and you pay attention more than you should. It is helpful for everyone to understand that the ego doesn’t vanish (for most, anyway!) upon awakening. It is important that being awakened doesn’t seem like an enchanted fairytale to those who are in the process of seeking it. It’s still real life!
This is one of my favorite topics. Thanks so much for writing about it! xo, Jodi
.-= Jodi at Joy Discovered´s last blog ..A Gardening Tale =-.
Hi Jodi,
You are so welcome. And thank you for being so open with your experiences and for being so supportive.
What you wrote about how you had two stories in your mind when in high school sounds so familiar. I was the same way too. I had this version in my head of what I thought I was and then there was this version that I wanted people to see. So I used to alternate between the two quite frequently. Funny enough, a couple of weeks ago, I was remembering that time in my life and I laughed at how illogical that was but it was necessary back then. Or so I thought.
The first time I read about how the Divine spark resides within me, I was floored. I always thought of God being external. It never crossed my mind that the Divine lived within me. With time, I came to see that our core is God. It is perfect and never lacking. The problem is that we think all the external stuff is what defines us and so we base all our perceptions on that illusion.
And as for my ego, she likes to talk every now and then. And like I wrote, sometimes I give her a little bit more attention than she deserves but what I can say? I am human and a work in progress. The ego can be such a brat and when you watch it objectively it is humorous at what it can get upset about for no reason.
Hope all is well with you and your family!
I hadn’t heard that term before, but I like it, as it’s very descriptive of how some people walk through life. For awhile, I, too, suffered from woundology (back in my 20′s, mostly). I wasn’t able to see the flip side of a so-called bad situation, and take the gem from it. I’ll never forget the one time I went to a meditation circle and told the woman who led it that I had my appendix out unexpectedly the week before and that’s why I missed the previous week’s gathering. She smiled and exclaimed, “Congratulations! You’re a little bit lighter now!” I thought, “What? I just had surgery — don’t I get some sympathy for that?” I didn’t understand that I was using something seemingly “traumatic” (it wasn’t… but I’m not one for surgeries or hospitals) to get attention. Odd odd odd.
I love how you said that there are days you listen to your ego more than others, and that you just roll with it. Amen, sister! And with the help of friends I find I’m able to rise above more quickly and easily than if I just isolated and let ego have its way. You’re one of the friends who’s helped me in this regard, so thank you.
.-= Megan “JoyGirl!” Bord´s last blog ..$1 Therapy (Awesome Free e-Book) =-.
Hi Megan,
You are welcome. I am so grateful to call you a friend too. We are all in this boat together and we all help each other in whatever way we can.
I laughed when you wrote about your reaction to what the meditation teacher said. That was funny and I have to admit, I have had similar reactions to things in my past. I used to have a friend who would literally compete has to who had it worse and she always had to win. The sad part is that I would want to win too and we would just dwell on our painful childhoods. Our friendship was based in that shared misery. Unfortunatley, that friendship ended when I became determined to get over my past. I really tried to remain friends but she just could not handle it and left my life. Kind of interesting how life works out sometimes.
Dear Nadia, what a wonderful post! I just love the term you used woundology. How true it is! I wanted to comment on this portion you shared: ‘That day at our lunch, I realized that Mary needed [to be with people who spoke the same language and shared the same mindset and behaviors.]‘
I’ve realized that the best response to give those who are not at this place of readiness yet is to be kind, show love and lead lives that are of service(looking outward). Even if our ways must part, often the impact still exists and in time, they may come around again, or our subtle purpose with them may be fulfilled. This makes more of a difference in the long run as they observe us in genuine motion, rather then see us as trying to fix a problem. Thanks for sharing such a relevant post! ~Jenn
I am thankful that finally like ‘Byron Katie’ shares: I’ve decided to drop my story! It is so oppressive to dwell within our own box, that we simply despise. When we recognize our inner power, it empowers us to go forth! It is a choice and commitment to bring ‘loving spirit’ in and re-frame the story in closure. Then move forward. By acknowledging what is going on (as you said dialoguing through it), I also began to change direction one loving thought, and one positive behavior at a time! It takes practice to align but it is much more energizing to invest forward then to spin our wheels in the muck!
.-= Jenn Z´s last blog ..Love in a Time of Global (Uncertainty)~Awakening: =-.
Hi Jen,
The term “woundology” was termed by Caroline Myss in her book “The Anatomy of the Spirit”. So she deserves the credit and not me.
Yay for dropping your story! Good for you. Don’t you feel so much lighter?
What you wrote about being an example to others is a good point. However, you can be the best example there is but if someone refuses to change, they will never change. I think people do perceive how others do things and make opinions accordingly. Some people may be intrigued and follow the example. Others may be annoyed and discredit you. It truly does depend on the individual. All we can do is be true to who we are and spread love wherever we go.
Hope all is awesome!
Hi Nadia .. I think I’ve just had a kick up the backside .. a gentle one – I guess I am wounded with what I’m dealing with .. and by ‘telling others about it’ – I thought I was educating them to parts of life they probably didn’t know about – I certainly didn’t … but actually I guess it’s all about me. So I’d better rethink – and readjust my thoughts .. and albeit I relate easily to others I’d better think out of my own box. I have one of Caroline’s book here – recommended by Liara – I’d better get on and read it – as too your Tibetan Book of Living and Dying .. Soul Searching coming up … We are not our stories: I ‘ll remember that.
Thanks Nadia .. lovely – Hilary Melton-Butcher
Positive Letters Inspirational Stories
Hi Hilary,
No worries….we all get gentle kicks up the backside. None of us are perfect. We are all works in progress so be kind to yourself.
Which Caroline book do you have? I have read most of her books and have loved them all. She is a really great writer.
And yes, we are not our stories. The key is to remember that when our egos are in full turbo mode.
Hi, Nadia -
This is a great post . . . I do agree that there is great value in seeing ourselves independently of our wounds.
One of the struggles I have had while traveling my healing journey has been to find the balance between processing the wounding and setting it down so I could move forward. I think it can be important (vital) to look at and understand — and eventually appreciate — the wounding — I think it is part of the healing.
While engaging in the healing process, I have found that my intention must be to get to the point where I can set down the wounding and move forward. However, if I don’t give the healing process its due time and space — if I try to move forward before I’m ready — I find myself being pulled back into the painful space. So, it is a delicate dance.
- Marie (Coming Out of the Trees)
.-= Marie´s last blog ..Unlike anything you’d expect =-.
Hi Marie,
I know exactly what you mean. In my experience, it was vital to understand why certain things happened and to see how they impacted my life. For example, I have certain fears that are rooted from experiences in childhood. The irony is that some of these fears have been so much a part of my life, I did not realize how they came to be in the first place.
Seeing why we do what we do is very important in order to heal. We just need to also remember that what happened does not define who we are unless we choose to do so. You are so right, it is a delicate dance.
I wish I could tell you that I mastered it but I have not. There are days when my ego just wants me to remember all the crap I have been through and sometimes I pay attention to it more than I should. So I think this is a process that with time becomes easier but does not fully disappear. We just have to learn to live with it but at least we are not alone in this…we all struggle with this on some level.
May you have a beautiful day!
Wow… I’m so late to this party! Pretty much everything I was thinking has been said. I will say that I agree that we should not wallow in our stories of old wounds in order to use them as a crutch or to remain victims of those wounds. But I believe there is a healing power in revisiting and sharing our stories when they are viewed as part of a life journey; and when others can benefit from them.
I once did a lot of work with the book Beyond Reasonable Doubt to understand that my stories were filtered through my negative view of myself. One of the exercises was to write out one of the stories that was most painful and then look at it as a narrative, one that I authored. Then, I had to go back and rewrite it in such a way that I wasn’t a pathetic little victim, but rather the heroine of the story. Same people, same incidents, but my ROLE was different. It all had a positive, empowering spin.
The people and incidents in our stories weave our lives into a fascinating and unique tapestry. It’s up to us to choose to see the result as a masterpiece, instead of a chaotic, unfortunate mess. The beauty is, we always get to choose.
.-= Lisis´s last blog ..Shifting from “Why?” to “Why Not?” =-.
Hi Lisis,
It is never late to join in on the fun. So no worries.
As for what you wrote, I understand what you are saying. I do a lot of spiritual counseling on the side and whenever I am talking to one of my clients, I do tell them stories from my past or stories of those that I know to show that they are not alone in how they feel. (I also do that with friends too.) That said, I think we can be of greater service when we show that those stories do not define who we are. We are not our pain and suffering. We are so much more than that. We are God at our core and when we see that core, then we are capable of doing anything that we wish. We are far more powerful than we realize.
I also agree that we do choose how we see our stories. Even though my past was a very painful one it truly was a blessing in disguise. So I see it positively. However, that said, I still say I am not my story. I am more than that and so are all of us. We are truly capable of doing wonders if we recognize our inherent Divinity. So we are saying the same thing but in different ways.
Hope all is awesome!
In my yesteryear I gravitated to those encased in ragged band-aids. I hope they have found happier days, as I have. There is hope for anyone who seeks it.
.-= Jannie Funster´s last blog ..10 Things I Could Do (But Probably Won’t) Tomorrow =-.
Hi Jannie,
That makes two of us!
And yay for hope!
Hi Nadia and all.
) and the friend of Caroline Myss could not cope with having her story taken away from her either.
Great sharing to see how most of us have fallen into this trap of making up stories and then living into them.
It has also been a way to relating to others for we are mostly listened to by people who love to hear stories too. We are not used to people who are looking beyond and that takes some getting used. As Megan was at first taken aback by her yoga teacher’s reaction (great example Megan and I can so relate to that
When I at first realized that my stories were about me being a martyr and were a way of manipulating, I got such a shock. Once I got to see what I was doing, oh, I could not believe that I was that dishonest, me who prided herself on honesty. Ha, it took me a while to recover from that, let me tell you.
It is great to see though that now we are getting skilled in relating to each other at a more authentic level and that we learn to cope with uniqueness and our own discernment rather than categorizing people into familiarity via their stories.
Because we are talking about uniqueness but who wants to be unique in a world who is still full of egos which cannot cope with difference.
I love how we are slowly discovering what is setting us back and how we can overcome these obstacles to get to the real heart of who we are.
I do agree with you Nadia, time is too precious to tip toe around people who want to hold on to their story.
Is there not something called tough love?
As always hugs to you, Wilma
.-= Wilma Ham´s last blog ..Ann-Marie on Listening that Makes a Difference =-.
Hi Wilma,
Thank you so much for being so open about your stories. I am so grateful.
Isn’t it amazing when we learn the stories that we tell ourselves and how they paralyze us to some degree? I used to think if I kept talking about my story or making sense out of it, I would be healed. I was no where close to being healed. All it did was keep me stuck. Eventually, spirituality came into my life and that truly opened my eyes and I really began to learn about the nature of the mind and ego. Then when I read that at my core was a spark of the Divine, that truly changed everything for me. For I realized that my story really did not mean anything unless I gave it power. So I learned to see that the ego dwells on duality and story telling. It thrives on pain and fear.
Eckhart Tolle has written a lot about this subject and I think he does a great job. So often we define who we are by the exterior stuff and our stories. We are so much more than that. We truly are more powerful and more important than we realize. Our stories make us small when our birthright is for us to shine as bright as we can.
Hope all is awesome with you! Lots of hugs back!
Hi Nadia … You asked me which of the Caroline Myss books I have it is the one you have pictured here – Anatomy of the Spirit.
My uncle being taken so ill so quickly left me with no time to read the books I ‘d bought for the purpose – not his immediate death, I have to say – were not read in time. I hope to read them soon.
I’m sure they will help – but this post and your comment, and others’ comments and thoughts offer up much to think about ..
Go well – obviously helping a lot of us! all the best Hilary
.-= Hilary´s last blog ..Fireworks and Bonfire Night – November 5th =-.
Hi Hilary,
Thank you so much for answering my question. I use Caroline’s book when I am dealing with a physical issue and 99% of the time it has been right. So I consider it an awesome book that is like a reference. Please let me know what you think when you do read it.
As for what you wrote about not being able to read the books as you hoped, no worries. So much of life is not only perception but timing. Things happen when they are supposed to happen. There is no need to blame oneself so be gentle on yourself. You already have a lot on your plate.
And thank you so much for saying that I am being of help. That means more than you know.
“Whatever it is that caused you pain does not define who you are.” I love this, and actually live it. In life, when something causes me to react negatively I know it means it involves a past wound that has yet to be healed. I’ve led an amazing life, yet I’ve done so despite my wounds. It might sound “pollyanna” ish, but when something happens–and believe me I could run the gamut on huge life defining events to heal from–I acknowledge it, I truly try to learn from it, I might avoid it for a bit, but I move on from “it”. That has been my coping mechanism from childhood on. It might have to do with my nature, it might have to do with faith, it certainly has to do with the fact that I learned at a young age I can choose what I do with each moment, and the best moments are due to perspective. When I tell my life stories people are often astounded because I truly feel each one is an adventure so I often don’t see the adverse in it. Sure I feel the pain, hurt, disappointment, but I have to discard it to keep on going; too much weight stops me from getting too far:). I’ve watched unhealed wounds tear apart some of my loved ones, and I think how sad and how unnecessary to let the past stop you from living.
Hi Joy,
There is nothing wrong with sounding Pollyanna-ish. If anything, it is something to admire. (Of course, this is coming from someone who has been accused of being a Pollyanna too.)
Good for you for realizing that your pain does not define who you are. It always makes me happy to see how other people have overcome their pain. It is not only admirable but provides inspiration for others too. Thank you so much for being so open and sharing your thoughts.
Your description of how you handled your pain sounds like how I handled mine. It truly is an adventure, if you choose to see it as such.
Wonderful, Nadia. I completely agree. I do think that when we first become aware of our woundedness it is a very powerful and healing thing to speak our story. It helps us give voice to the pain so it can be released. However, I always hope at some point a person will have experienced enough healing through the telling that they begin to realize they do not want to BE their story. That they feel more empowered without having to repeat it again and again. (IN fact, maybe even notice that they are beginning to feel yuck when they tell it…) do not love the term “wounded healer.” Because even that can be a trap, a story we hang on to to give us value. May we all embrace ourselves tenderly and grow into the next best version of us–holy and whole.
.-= Jan´s last blog ..Finding Your Ideal Spiritual Practice =-.
Hi Jan,
I think society places a lot of value on our stories. Meaning if someone has a painful story, they are viewed with more tenderness or sympathy. A person who is hurt does want attention and feeds on it with the hopes of feeling better. The irony is that the more we tell our stories, the more we identify we them. Somewhere along the line there does come a point where the person just wants to feel better and be free from that story. I do think that is more rare than common. At least, that is what I have seen. Very few seem to rise above it and disengage from the story.
Plus, let’s face it, some people want to keep others stuck in their story. I have seen situations where people will intentionally feed into someone’s story so that they gain some power.
The reality is that we are not our stories. We are more powerful than that. We are already whole and complete…..we just have lost sight of it.
By the way, I love your term of wounded healer. You are so right, that is a trap. We all have suffered, we all have had pain….we just do not need to define ourselves according to it. For at our core, we are God.
Namaste Nadia!
This post is wonderful! I like the fact that you pick topics that are so relevant to everyone and are able to string such complex thoughts so beautifully! Your articles also tell me that there are fellow travelers on this great earth with me, who are dealing with similar issues as well (but very few speak about them)!
Over the last few months, I have been observing my thought patterns and I was surprised some of the thought patterns I have were due to some pain caused I endured in the past. Even though, the pain is gone, I still held on to the mental burden! Thanks for the beautiful reminders you add at the end of your articles, such as how we just need to realize and embrace the power that we are endowed with.
Have a wonderful day!
Namaste Lotus!
Thank you so much for all that you wrote and for being so open. We are all more alike than we are different. None of us are perfect. We are all works in progress.
Good for you for observing your thought patters and getting to the cause of it. That is awesome! I have come to notice that that process is something that continues throughout our lives. It is amazing how we obtain certain thoughts without really being aware of how we got ingrained with such thoughts in the first place. We human beings can be quite fascinating.
Have a wonderful day too. And thank you again for all your support.
Hi Nadia .. I do what I do and no more .. and I don’t beat myself up – fortunately. I also don’t stress myself to do more, because I know I can’t. I’m probably not doing what I should .. but at least I’m functioning quite well, I’m not ill and haven’t been – thank goodness – and I’m learning and being guided as I go .. so I have fortune on my side. I’m thankful for where I am .. and yes I will read her book – may happen over Christmas ..
Thanks for replying – always good to be in touch ..
Love Hilary
.-= Hilary´s last blog ..Fireworks and Bonfire Night – November 5th =-.
Hi Hilary,
Good for you for having such an attitude. May more learn from you!
And there is no need to thank me for replying….it is my pleasure.
Hi Nadia!
Brilliant post! I cannot say enough about how the whole “You are not your stories” thing summed up and really explained to me my very own thinking. Earlier in life I was in counseling (late 20′s) and I sat and listened to this group of people – all believing their stories and going on and on ad naseum, as if in the re-living of it all they would find the “cure” to get on with their lives. I hope they all did, truly I do, but I couldn’t take it. Seemed to me at the time, you just move on, and I felt impatient with the regurgitation so I left.
For years I questioned my level of compassion. There was guilt in leaving I guess. Shortly afterward, I found that I was positively a magnet for people with stories. My husband teased me I should hang out a shingle! I seemed to be the one people would dump on in the hopes of some words of wisdom I’d lay on them to magically change their misery living their stories. I listened, I tried to help, spun positives and lessons learned, encouraged and supported until I felt drained.
There were a few people who could not leave their stories and beliefs and move on. It was so sad. Others, happily did. They were so light when they dropped the big sack of dirty laundry that they carried. It is indeed a choice – carry it or drop it.
I’m reminded of the line “I used to complain about my shoes until I met a man with no feet.”
Thank you so much for this wonderful post!
Hi SuZen,
So much of your experience sounds like mine. I used to be one of those people who truly thought if I talked about it enough, somehow I would heal. I will admit that in the talking about the experiences, I did learn a lot about myself and how the mind words. Eventually, I got to a point where enough was enough and it was time to move on. When I did, it felt wonderful. I did lose a lot of friends but also made a lot of new friends who were of the same mindset.
I think many peopel feel that by letting go of their stories, they will lose a sense of identity. The irony is that our stories are not our identity. They are just stuff that happened and we can do our best to see them for what they are. Our true self has nothing to do with our stories. For we truly are much more powerful than we realize.
Good for you for breaking free from your stories and for spreading your light and love!
Hi Nadia
This is a great story! I too know a few people who carry around their past with them and make it that much harder to have “normal” relationships with them. It would be easy to cut-off the friendship like perhaps the time came for your and Mary to do, but what do you do when these are your close family members? That is a fine line I am walking, some days, though as little as I can, as I try to put up healthy boundaries to keep my own health okay as these people also claim “that I just don’t understand” – so what can one do?
I love Eckhart’s work, and have heard a lot about Caroline’s but have not had a chance yet to read any of her books.
Thanks for this Nadia, it is mice to hear stories like this, if for no other reason than to know how other people deal with people who do make a life out of their past or past wounds.
.-= Evita´s last blog ..The Web of Ideas and the Future of the World =-.
Hi Evita,
You are so welcome and thank you for sharing your thoughts. You made a great point about dealing with family members who are immersed in their stories. To be candid, I do not talk to some of my relatives because it is not healthy for me to be around them. Some of my family members are so immersed in their story of being superior, they like to bring anyone around them down and make them feel like nothing. Eventually, it got to be so bad, I realized that I needed to walk away for my own sanity. Of course, this only brought more comments and stuff from them but my health mattered more. Not everyone’s situation is like mine.
That said, I still do have contact with others in my family and things with them are fine. Love is unconditional and I love all of my relatives unconditionally. It is just that unconditional love does not mean that my health has to be effected and sometimes it is better to love some of them from a distance. It is more effective but that is just my situation. So just do what feels right in your heart.
Namaste Nadia!
How AWESOME this is. I don’t think I’ve ever seen myself as a victim (except maybe when I was 15 and things that happened to me were always “someone else’s fault”) and recent past experience has really shown me that living life that way is completely and utterly exhausting.
I have a book on my shelf by Caroline Myss…I suppose this is a sign that I should read it next
.-= Peggy´s last blog ..The Hum and the Buzz of a Great Community =-.
Hi Peggy,
Thank you so much for the positive feedback. Our stories are like deadweight. They weigh us down for no reason. We are more powerful than we realize.
And yay for signs. Caroline Myss totally rocks and I think you would enjoy reading her books. Which one do you have? I know she has a new one out that looks really good and I have it on my books to read list.
wow nadia, powerful. woundology. I know this has been part of my lexicon…woundspeak…victim speak over the years…and sometimes still now, but in slightly healthier way…I hope. I talk about my illness…but it is just another part of me…not all of me…so that’s not the same as creating an identity around the wound/victimization. I think, for me past wounds and present wounds are educational tools that guide me to be more in tune to Divinity. Does that make sense? Being angry all the time, sad all the time, unable to forgive those who have hurt us or our bodies that hurt is energy wasted…that’s not to say it isn’t important to feel compassion toward the pain…but we must also take on the perspective of witness to the pain…see it, hear it, feel it…then release it…then we become empowered shining beings of light…Divine. This is what I am learning deeply these days.
blessings sweet shining soul,
Laura
Hi Laura,
Everything you wrote made total sense. I loved how you wrote about having the perspective to be a witness to the pain. I think that describes it beautiful. See the pain for what it is but not to identify with the pain. I try to do that too. As I mentioned in the post, some days it is easy to not be taken with the ego and other days it is quite hard. Therein in lies the challenges of being human.
Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts and many blessings to you…for you are a sweet shining soul too.
I just wanted to thank you for another great post. Your posts are like vitamins for my soul!
.-= lena´s last blog ..Using "The Peaceful Scene" =-.
Hi Lena,
You are so welcome and thank you so much for saying that my posts are like vitamins for your soul. I am so touched by those words…you have no idea how much it means to me. Please know that I am very grateful and humbled. Have a beautiful rest of the day!
I enjoyed Caroline Myss’ books a lot. You certainly have the heart to share. I saw that you typed out a lengthy section from her book, in order to discuss the topic of woundology. I recognized the same pattern in some of my clients. Wounds have been keeping their stories alive. While they do have a wish to move forward, they find it difficult to let go of these stories.
You said that “you look at your life and you realize that there is nothing really bad happening but you just feel sad?” I feel the same way too sometimes. However, I try to tell myself to snap out of it for there are many things that I should be grateful and happy for as well. Wherever possible, I make a conscious effort to focus on the positive. Laughing at myself helps!
.-= Evelyn Lim´s last blog ..Make Peace with Time =-.
Hi Evelyn,
Laughter is often the best medicine there is to help ease the soul. So it is awesome that you can laugh at yourself. So many of us take ourselves way too seriously that we forget that life is so much more than it appears and we are capable of so much. Our wounds often keep us stuck and each time we dwell in our story, it digs us in deeper. The great thing is that we can see the story for what it is and choose to rise above it. We are not our stories no matter how powerful the stories may appear to be.
Hi Nadia
Not sure how this works – but I’m in the middle of writing a post on a very similar topic! Probably because we’re all connected through the divine!
I’ve also come to see that we’re not only physical, mental and emotional beings – but also spiritual beings. The wounds we carry, are I believe, all on the first three dimensions. Most wounds heal by themselves, some need assistance (doctors, therapists can help) and a very few don’t heal fully and we carry those around with us. But even those, when acknowledged, can be lived with. Consider many people with extreme physical damage – they always have the damage with them but still live full, and in some cases, inspiring lives.
But ultimately we don’t take our physical bodies, minds or emotions with us when we die – so they only define us while we’re here .. and only define us to the extent we choose to let them define us.
Hope all is well! Ian
.-= Ian | Quantum Learning´s last blog ..You Don’t Need Money =-.
Hi Ian,
Talk about synchronicity…a few days ago I wrote a post (which will be published tomorrow) that deals in one part with the effects of damage. Kind of cool that you are in the middle of writing about it. I look forward to reading your post.
We are definitely spiritual beings and when we pass, all we do take with us is how we acted when we were here. One aspect of my near-death experience was that everything we do counts on some level. So the more good you do, the better you are viewed. Nothing goes unnoticed and truly it is all about love. It is the love that lies in our core that truly defines us and not our stories or other aspects that come with a human embodiment.
All is awesome over here. I hope the same is true for you and your family!
Nadia,
That was really a wonderful post. Glad that you write it and I read it.
Excellent!
Hi Sunny,
It is great to see you! Thank you so much for the positive feedback! I am so grateful. Hope all is well with you and your family.
“Whatever it is that caused you pain does not in anyway define who you truly are. For you are not your pain, you are not your career, you are not your bank account, you are not your weight or looks, you are not your possessions. Then who are you? To put it simply, you are God (meaning you are a part of the Divine). And that, my friends, is what many in spiritual circles call being awakened.”
- That is very true, BUT I found that in terrestrial, everyday life what comes to surface is not our Divine self, but our ego. And pain, our bank account, our successes and failures definitely do not define us, but I’ve experienced that these are the factors that led me to a state where I can value my so-called Divine self a lot more. Our ego has to go through these.
Nice thoughts by the way
Wishing you the best, Nadia:
Zoli
Hi Zoli,
I understand what you are saying but that still does not define who you are. If a person’s ego needs those things in order to feel good about themselves, then they are a slave to their ego and not aware of their Divine self. Imagine if God walked around bragging about all the things He accomplished, then He would not be God. The minute we start to think that we are our jobs, our bank accounts and so on…we lose sight of who we really are. And please keep in mind, this is coming from someone who had all those things…so I know how powerful those items are but ultimately they do not mean a thing nor do they define me.
The ego has no desire for a person to be happy…it thinks that it does but all that the ego does is cause the illusion of separation. For people want to feel that they are worthy…you are already worthy regardless of your material possessions. The ego may think it has to go through these things but it does not. A person is not their ego…they are so much more than that. Thank you for sharing your thoughts!
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