One subject that I have not discussed much about on this blog has been the subject of love and marriage. Up until I met my husband, I was horrible when it came to love and men. I have a notorious history of making bad choices when it came to the opposite sex.
All the other areas of my past reflect insight and possible intelligence except my love life prior to meeting the man that I married. What changed things? Well…first of all, I got my head on straight on the issue of love and finally I had met someone who was actually at peace with themselves. However, what was key was that I no longer was delusional when it came to romance.
I do not know where or how it started but at some point during childhood I had this idea of what love had to look like. My childhood was less than ideal and I so much wanted someone to love me. My parents loved me but I craved acceptance from people who were not genetically obligated to love me.
It may sound like a strange concept but when you are a child who is constantly picked on by others, you crave acceptance like a barren land craves moisture. You want to belong more than anything but there is a price for a sense of belonging…you have to become like the masses.
My mom told me as a teenager about the story of an ant that had extra legs and as a result, it was able to be more efficient. The other ants got so jealous, they killed it. The message, to me, was that being unique can be deadly. I tried to be normal but it never worked.
When you are a free spirit, it is so hard to confine yourself to a cage. It is so unnatural and suffocating. It took me some time to finally be at peace with the idea that I would be forever someone who marches to the beat of a different drum.
What complicated matters even more was that I had (and still have) no desire to have children. Now this does not mean that I do not like children. I love children but I do not want to have any of my own. The reason being that to be a very good mother, you have to put your kids first.
My mother loved being a mom and a wife. She put aside a lot of her dreams in order to take care of my father and myself. She made that choice and never regretted it. I knew from an early age that I did not have what it takes to be a mother. I was insecure about many other things but I knew with every ounce of my being that I was and am not cut out to be a mother. My freedom means too much to me. To bring a soul into the world is a huge responsibility and it is a responsibility that I do not want to have.
When I was single, many people told me that I would never get married because of my desire to not have children. I never believed that but there were lonely nights when I wondered if there was a man out there who could tolerate being with such a person as myself.
The thing about love is that in order to have love in your life, you have to love yourself. It took me a long time to figure that one out. In the process, I threw myself at men who just reflected aspects of myself. When a man was emotionally unavailable, it was because I was not emotionally available to myself.
The perpetual bad boy was someone who was running away from their truth and I was doing the exact same thing…running away from my authentic self. Actually, I had no idea what my truth was until I hit rock bottom and that is when I started to really work on my issues and there were a lot of them.
During the course of working on my drama, I realized that I no longer cared about whether or not I got married. For the first time in my life, I truly loved myself and was cool with all aspects of myself.
All the things that I disliked about my past, I came to embrace. I was at peace with the idea that I may be a single woman for the rest of my life. I figured I would still travel and have fun. So I just let go of the concept of being married and went on living my life the way that I wanted.
As life would have it, the man that I would end up marrying showed up two months later and we were married ten months after that. Now being married is another kind of adventure which I will leave for another post.
The one thought that I do want to leave you with as this post comes to an end is that true love is nothing like what you see in the movies or on television. Love is more than sex or looks or money. You are not an incomplete soul looking for a missing link. You are complete already. Yes, you have things to master and perfect but you do not have a void that has to be completed by another person. That void can only be completed by you.
So then what is the purpose of marriage and romance? Well…to me, the purpose is for two people to come together and help each other grow. You want someone who allows you to be you and celebrates you. Of course, you have to do the same for the other person. Love is meant to be unconditional.
{ 58 comments }
Hi Nadia,
My favorite way to look at love is as a verb. It’s the actions we do that really give love (the noun) deeper meaning. In a world where we mass produce all sorts of things – real and meaningful love is not one of those things. As much as we can maybe want the cookie-cutter love at points in our lives, it is really about loving ourselves first – no matter where we fall on that “normal” scale (and not that it matters, or is even someplace I want to be). When we love ourselves first, we are then able to more unconditionally give love out. Nadia, you shine love – and that is all I have ever witnessed from you. So, to also know that you are in a wonderful and loving relationship…these are words that are so, so good to read…
.-= Lance´s last blog ..Sunday Thought For The Day =-.
Hi Lance,
That is a great way to describe love. It most definitely is a verb. That is so beautiful. Thank you for sharing that with all of us. And thank you so much for your kind words about me. I really hope and want to be an embodiment of unconditional love so that people can feel better about themselves. There is so much pain out there and so if I can help ease it in some way, then I feel that my life would not be a waste.
Hope all is well!
Hey, Nadia! Beautiful post. Your commentary on motherhood is spot on, and is one of the main things I’ve always admired about Oprah… that she CHOSE not to become a mom because she realized that, to do it justice she would have to sacrifice too much of what she held dear. That is an informed decision that I can totally respect and agree with.
As a mom, I can’t tell you how many times I have felt like my needs, wants, desires, interests, etc. come last. I feel like I am here to make sure my son gets what he needs to grow healthy and happy, and that my husband gets the support he needs to be fulfilled and make it through his days providing for us.
My career, my flying, my travels all fell by the wayside when I started building this nest… and sometimes they tug at my heart. The only thing that makes it bearable is that all I ever wanted was to be a mom. So, for now, putting my needs aside for a few decades allows me to fulfill my dream… but it is not for everyone. Enjoy your freedom, and make the most of it (for both of us!).
I also want to add to what Lance said, that love is a noun, but it is also a verb… Dan Handler wrote a book called Adverbs, in which he argues the thing that matters is HOW we love, the adverb that describes our love. Do we love selflessly, patiently, compassionately, wholeheartedly? Or do we “love” conditionally, being demanding and controlling and jealous, etc.? And if it is the latter, then it really isn’t love, is it?
Happy Sunday, Sweets!
.-= Lisis´s last blog ..Inspiration from Edgar Allan Poe: Alone =-.
Hi Lisis,
It is funny, not everyone gets the whole desire to not want children. For example, my father just does not understand it…no matter how much I explain it to him. However, despite the comments that I do get about it, I have always known that motherhood was not for me and have always been firm about that one. I admire women who do become mothers because that is truly a tough job and I especially admire those who do it with all of their hearts.
I know that you love being a mother and that is awesome. And since that is all you ever wanted, then it sounds like your dream came true! What a blessing to have a dream realized even if you feel that your own needs have to be put aside for a sometime. At least you are doing so because of a realization of a desire. So yay for you!
As for love, it is most definitely a verb and I love how Lance came up with that idea. It is just perfect. I think many people think they love unconditionally but when you start to demand certain things from another or have the desire to want to change someone, then that is not really unconditional love.
Happy Sunday to you too! We are in the midst of a major celebration over here…so all is awesome!
As always, I couldn’t agree more with your thoughts, Nadia.
It’s funny how things happen when you don’t need them to. Being in a relationship really gives you opportunity to grow and be aware, because there will no doubt be a lot of resistance from your mind and beliefs that need to be taken care of.
I’ve learned something about life: it’s all ordinary. When you look at movies, they’re all unreal. It’s all ordinary. In a good way, if that makes sense? As I’ve traveled a bit, I have realized that what other people say about places isn’t really true, you have to go there yourself and form your own experience.
.-= Henri @ Wake Up Cloud´s last blog ..Guest Post Roundup #1: Passion, Letting Go and Health =-.
Hi Henri,
I guess great minds think alike, right?
I have found that whenever I wanted something and was so focused on it, it never came. When I no more cared and just started making the most out of the moment, things happened far more quickly than I could have ever imagined. So learning to let go and just be is so vital.
As for life being all ordinary. That is a good observation. You make total sense, at least to me. When I was a teenager, my father told me that it is far wiser to go see a place with your own eyes than to read about it in a book. I always remembered that and have come to notice that you really do not understand a place or a concept until you are immersed or surrounded by it. Experience always counts more.
Thank you for this, Nadia. It’s warm, and honest, and beautiful, and just what I needed to hear today.
.-= Jay Schryer´s last blog ..A Christmas Story =-.
Hi Jay,
You are welcome and thank you for all that you wrote. I am happy that you enjoyed it.
Hi Nadia ..I have to admit I don’t crave marriage, though I expected it, I didn’t expect to be disappointed, or make a huge mistake – but I did.
Now I’m still happy, but I’d like to meet someone and as you say benefit from the mutual togetherness while being me and continuing to be unique and probably more unique with my wings freed.
Also I’d have liked to have children, but never did – am I right or wrong I don’t know .. that’s life. Life is here – let’s all make the best of it, with the time we have.
This year ahead, I hope I’ll progress on and become more myself all the time, rather than have to backtrack at times to fit in with others ..
Blessings to you both – enjoy your unique lives …
Hilary Melton-Butcher
Positive Letters Inspirational Stories
PS Unfortunately the video is blocked by Vevo in the UK!
.-= Hilary´s last blog ..Mum and Hardwick – decking out the tinsel .. =-.
Hi Hilary,
Thank you for letting me know that the video was blocked for you. Here is a link to the song even though it is not the same video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hT3zCj3F1d4 . I hope that this works. If not, let me know and I will find another link.
Isn’t it interesting how some things in life we expect and they don’t happen and vice versa. If you had told me as a child, that as an adult I would be totally consumed with spirituality and writing, I would have thought you were crazy. Now when I look back at my past, I can see why I am where I am and how it makes total sense. So sometimes we are lead in directions that we never dreamed but yet where we are is what is best for us. I hope that makes sense. Sometimes things are so clear in my head, I am not sure if it comes out clearly in words.
Blessings to you too!
Hi Nadia:
Another great post! It is good to read that you have chosen the “road less traveled.” I know women face a lot of society’s pressures to get married, have kids and do it all. I think that anyone who tries to live up to all of these pressures is setting themselves up for insanity and exhaustion. I think I have (perhaps unintentionally) chosen a road less traveled in my life, too. I appreciate all that you wrote about being single…because I can identify with this. I really enjoyed and agree with your definition of marriage and romance, too. Thanks for getting the week off to a great start and for sharing a cool song by Train that I haven’t heard before.
.-= Tim´s last blog ..Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays! =-.
Hi Tim,
I love that song by Train. It is a new song from their latest album and something about it just makes me feel like dancing. It is one of the songs that I have been listening to a lot lately.
As for having it all, I think it depends on how a person chooses to define “all”. Your words about women feeling a lot of pressure to get married and have kids is something that I have noticed. When I got married, the immediate question that I was faced with was when are you going to have children. That always used to floor me because I found it to be a strange question. Of course, when I say that I do not want children, that always brings up more questions which I understand. The good thing is that there are many women who feel the same way and so I know I am not alone in that.
And yay for being a fellow traveler on the road less traveled. It is a worthwhile journey and by the way, usually most people start out not wanting to be on such a road. So you are not alone in saying how it happened unintentionally.
Happy Sunday to you!
Hi Nadia .. thanks for that link – yes that worked and the lyrics are very appropriate to your post. Yes – I can see where you’re at .. I believe I know where I am too – just living two other lives, now one, complicates the present .. still I’m moving forward and that’s what counts. Sometimes I just don’t have the energy to be on the same wave length when I’m reading things – I’d love to be .. but it’s not there .. again it is coming ..
Go well – have a good few days to finish off 2009!
Hilary Melton-Butcher
Positive Letters Inspirational Stories
.-= Hilary´s last blog ..Mum and Hardwick – decking out the tinsel .. =-.
Hi Hilary,
Glad to know that that link worked. And it is interesting that you thought that the lyrics were very appropriate for this post. Actually, I included the song because it is such a happy song and I thought it was not a good match but I wanted to put a happy song with the post.
And no worries and no need to explain where you are at in your life. Just be you. So if you have no energy, no problem. I totally can understand…you have a lot going on. Each person is where they are meant to be at the moment. Life is a journey. The learning never stops and the key is to enjoy the ride. So no pressure at all.
“I tried to be normal but it never worked” — me neither. Good for us, Nadia!
There are so many ways to love. So many different kinds of relationships. All the love balances out I think, whether we decide to have children or not. Your blog offers us so much love, Nadia, the world is your child to nurture and help, and it all reverberates out and does good. We could use a whole lot more people like you!!
.-= Jannie Funster´s last blog ..I AM, Said I =-.
Hi Jannie,
Thank you so much for all that you said. Here is a huge hug for you!
And yay for not being normal!
When I stopped being someone I wasn’t that’s when my wife came into my life too. It’s funny how meeting our own needs (aka being happy being alone) can spur on a great relationship.
We forget the basic principals of love. If we can’t love ourselves, how do we expect to show others how we want to be treated?
.-= Karl Staib – Work Happy Now´s last blog ..How to Deal with Goals You Don’t Reach =-.
Hi Karl,
Exactly.
I remember realizing years ago that if I did not love myself, how could someone else love me. If I could not tolerate being by myself, how could someone else tolerate being with me. Those two realizations truly made me realize that I need to love myself first before anyone could love me.
And congratulations for meeting your wife just want you started to be true to yourself! That is awesome!
Nadia,
Life is full and fascinating and fun, and for that I am very glad:)
Perfect–absolutely perfect!
“In order to have love in your life you have to love yourself.” On any level, the Universe responds to what you truly project, yet often we are confused with the “package” we receive. If I review my life, I’ve always always embraced life fully and exuberantly and lots of people didn’t know what to do with that (family members included) so at a young age I learned to “chill”. I always believed in Love–never believed in Fairy Tales because I didn’t have that in my upbringing–but did and still do believe in sharing the best you have in the moment and connecting based on that. With everyone. I was taught to hide myself to fit in, so I didn’t love myself fully–I couldn’t have because I didn’t truly know who I was until much later in life– but I sure learned a lot of lessons from whom I was attracting. I say the Universe manifests teachers in the manner I can best receive and sometimes that was through “love” relationships…so I am thankful for the lessons. And now I have lots of “facets”
Hi Joy,
Isn’t it amazing how others get uncomfortable when someone embraces life fully and is exuberant? I have had the same experience too. Many times in my life, I was made to feel like I was an air head because I just was so optimist despite everything that was happening around me. Many people thought that it made me look stupid or not intellectual. It was brought to my attention so many times, I just learned to keep my mouth shut and tried to blend in.
The irony is that no matter how hard I tried to blend in, it never worked. Inevitably, I would do something which would make me stick out. I struggled with this for years until I got to a point where enough was enough. I no longer cared and just started to be myself. The funny thing is that all the people who could not handle it, magically disappeared from my life and slowly, the Universe sent me more like minded people.
The Universe is definitely merciful and we are always given guidance as to how to proceed. The key is to recognize that guidance and then follow through on it.
So yay for lessons and good for you for being your true self. Life is defintely a wonderful ride!
Hi Nadia,
Every morning I turn on my PC, reading your blog becomes a habit for me. And I’m so glad to find that someone else out there have experiences the same thoughts/feelings like I do.
Lately I’ve been thinking about jealousy toward someone and realize that it came from the place of not loving and except my self for the way I am. What a coincidence, you wrote the same thing. Could it be that you are my lost identical twin? hahaha….
Did ever cross your mind when you’re still single a feeling of worry or scared that you will end up alone & lonely and no one there to take care of you? How did you manage when that kind of thought come?
Hi Eva,
Thank you so much for all that you wrote. I am happy that my blog speaks to you and as for being a lost identical twin, anything is possible.
As for your questions, of course I had moments of being worried and scared that I would be alone. The mere thought of it would really scare me but then I realized that what was more important was that I be able to take care of myself and not look to another person to fulfill me. So often we look to other people to care for us and that is a mistake. To put our power in the hands of another is kind of dangerous. Even if you meet the most wonderful man, there is no guarantee that you two will be together for a long time. He may get sick or die or leave you or you may leave. So I realized that I needed to just take care of myself and love being with myself. With that thought, I no longer cared whether I met someone or not.
You have to realize that you will be okay whether there is a man around or not. You have to see the beauty in being you and just love life. You also have to accept the fact that you may be single and see the beauty in it.
Does this answer your question? If you have more questions or want me to clarify, just let me know.
What a beautiful, beautiful post on a topic that’s near and dear to my heart. Like you, I’ve suffered in romance, and all at my own hand. I’m slowly starting to open my eyes, though, and when I look in the mirror each day, I recognize that the one face I want to be married to and love unconditionally is my own.
I go through waves of egoic wants where love is concerned, and always (ALWAYS!) when I’m craving companionship is when I’m rejecting myself the most.
What great lessons you’ve shared here, Nadia. Thank you!
And for what it’s worth, we share the same feelings toward procreating. I actually think it’s just as noble to want & have kids as it is not to. So good for you!
.-= Megan “JoyGirl!” Bord´s last blog ..Funny Cookies =-.
Hi Megan,
Isn’t it amazing when you want companionship the most, that is when you are rejecting yourself the most? When I started to notice that, it floored me because I never realized how connected those things were. With time, I came to see that it was really important that I love myself before I could really love another person. It sounds so simple now but back then it was so hard.
Good for you for being so self-aware. That is so awesome! And thank you for saying that choosing not to have kids is as noble as wanting to have them. I never thought of it that way before because usually I have to explain myself to people since it is not a popular choice.
“You are not an incomplete soul looking for a missing link. You are complete already. Yes, you have things to master and perfect but you do not have a void that has to be completed by another person. That void can only be completed by you.” This sums up love and living so well Nadia. I remember a wise friend (we were only 19 or 20 at the time) sharing this basic insight with me during a traumatic/dramatic break up with a boyfriend. It took me years to really integrate this information but I get it now, almost 25 years later! I totally agree that we do not need another person to complete us…but I also believe that loving others fills out our lives immeasurably. So here’s to love in all forms! Happy New Year!
.-= Laura Hegfield´s last blog ..MS 2 Step: Water Walker =-.
Hi Laura,
Yay for love in all forms! That is great that you had a friend who could share such thoughts at the age of 19. I was in my twenties when I figured this one out. You are so right, that we do not need another to complete us but that loving others fills our lives too.
I have come to notice that when I started to be at peace with myself and not look to others to complete me, it made it so easy for me to love others. It no longer was about me anymore. I guess when you are cool with yourself, it opens your heart to the beauty of others. I think there are stages in life. One stage is when you are consumed with feeling better about yourself and once you achieve that, you move on to loving the world because you realize that it is no more about you.
Oh Nadia this was wonderful! It made me realize again so much how alike we are!!!!
I too met my husband when I “let go” and realized that I loved myself and was complete already. And your thoughts on why marraige…perfect! That is totally how I feel – to help each other grow…evolve. And this is why I was so against divorce so much of my life (for religious reasons) but when I woke up and looked at the whole situation, I realized it is crazy to be with someone where both of you or one of you is blocking the growth of one or both people.
So anyway, your story here was so beautiful… I share your views about the kids so much, and me and my husband are still not sure if we ever want to….more than anything we realize that one does not need to have kids to live a happy, fulfilled life like society makes it seem to be.
Nadia I wish you a very happy New Year – all the best to you today and always
.-= Evita´s last blog ..Book Review: Angels – A Pop-Up Book =-.
Hi Evita,
That is so cool how similar are stories are and that we share the same beliefs.
Good for you for being with someone who helps your grow and shine. That is awesome! Your words on divorce are so true. Some people are not meant to be together for a long time. There is no shame in that. Like you said, sometimes it is better to not be with someone who is preventing you from growing.
Happy New Year to you too!
For so many reasons, I love this post!
Like you, I traveled a long path to realize that in order to have the love in my life that I truly wanted, I had to become that love. After one failed marriage and a string of jerks just like (or gasp! worse than) my ex-husband, I realized that I had to fix something inside me. There was something in me attracting emotionally stunted or unavailable men. I went about uncovering the hidden corners of my life. The things I buried even from myself. I got clear on who I wanted in my life and who I wanted to be. I wrote it down in one simple sentence. Posted it on my fridge and then took my grandmother’s advice, I got busy living my life on my terms. Six weeks later, Richard “found” me. Out of the blue. I hadn’t seen or heard from him in 25 years. Serendipity Smiled on me that day…because we’ve been happily ever after since then.
Life is grand!
xo
Peggy
.-= Peggy´s last blog ..Your Moment of Bliss =-.
Hi Peggy,
Thank you so much for sharing your story. That is so awesome how you started living your life on your own terms and then life brought you the right person. I love such stories.
What I also appreciate in your story, is how you came to realize what was happening within you and that you vowed to change things. Often people do not take charge of their lives and abdicate that role to someone else. Eventually, we all have to realize that we are the “captains of our souls and the masters of our fate.” (By the way, those lines are from the poem “Invictus”.)
Life is definitely wonderful!
Hi Nadia,
Long time no talk my friend
How have u been? During a very rough stage of my life last year….I lost my passion for blogging but was still living vicariously through reading your blog, Lisis’s(Q4B), David(Raptitude), Mike(LearnThis), Sherri/Gwynn(SereneJourney)
Since today’s theme is “love”…that is exactly what I felt when I connected with our you and all our blog friends. I felt a genuine and comforting connection between all of us and that is what kept me going all this time.
I would like to thank you for your abundant passion and energy to give and give and give
I am expecting a baby girl lat April and your post has got my “parenting” brain thinking. hehe
Hi Vincent,
It has been a long time! Great to see you!
That is wonderful that you will be a father in a few months. Congratulations! You must be so excited.
As for me, life is good. I have been unemployed for the last few months and am trying to make a career change. So we shall see how that develops. It has been nice to have this time off to figure things out and catch up on things. And thank you so much for the words about my passion and energy. That brought a smile.
Hope to see you around more often. I know you said you have been reading our blogs but it is always nice to actually see you!
Keep Smiling, Vincent!
Hi Nadia! Boy, first of all define “normal” huh? I was never that, whatever the hell “normal” is tho for a long time I tried too. Just couldn’t pull it off! Something would always come along and I react, I guess NOT “normally”, and I’d give myself away! Ha! Oh wellllll………it wasn’t until I really loved ME that it just didn’t matter anymore. (Altho I will admit I still CRINGE when anyone uses that word cuz I just can’t figure out what it is!)
As for love, I, too, had a delusion about what THAT was! I really think in relationships, most people are in love with the idea/concept of love more than they are the person they “think” they love. I personally blew it twice. By the time I met hubs (30 yrs ago) I was so totally convinced I was not meant to be married that I actually pushed him away! DUH. I’m glad he hung in there!
Nadia, I still don’t know what normal is but I am celebrating and dancing that neither of us is pursuing that as some goal! I wear the shirt “Help stamp out Normal” with pride!
Hugs ,my Hotai
suZen
.-= suzen´s last blog ..Carrots, Eggs & Coffee Beans – A Recipe for Thought =-.
Hi Suzen,
Can you send me one of those shirts? I will wear it with pride along with you. You can cover the Midwest and I will take care of the East Coast. We will find someone for the West Coast.
You know, I did the same thing when I met my husband. I was really hesitant in the beginning but he was patient. Like you, I am glad that he hung in there.
As always, you bring up such great points. Most people are in love with the idea of love that they have no idea what look really looks like. I think we have movies to blame for that. As anyone knows, when you get married, that is when the real adventure begins and it is an awesome one!
Hugs right back at you!
” in order to have love in your life, you have to love yourself”-this is so true, Nadia! And I especially liked the lesson of letting go, as soon as we let go of what we thought we so needed to be happy and realize we can be happy without it, life brings to us the thing that we wanted. Paradox of life – stop wanting so bad in order to get what you want:)
.-= Lana – DreamFollowers Blog´s last blog ..The Ultimate Guide to Creative Visualization =-.
Hi Lana,
It is definitely a paradox. The minute you let go and just go with the flow, things have a way of working out so smoothly and perfectly. Yet so many of us do the opposite because we think worrying will accomplish our goals but it doesn’t. I think eventually we all get to that point…we just have to be worn out from the old way of doing things.
Thanks for writing on this subject. I am one of those people who has consciously chosen not to have children. And love… yeah… It’s definitely not what we read in books or see in movies. Shame that entertainment isn’t interested in truth. I think truth is so much more exciting than romanticized notions of love (read lust) and other dramas. But maybe that’s just me.
D
Hi DJ,
You are not alone in your thoughts. I agree with you about how truth is much more interesting and exciting than the dramatized stuff. The problem is can we as a society handle the truth about life?
“in order to have love in your life, you have to love yourself.” – wow you really nailed it. I mean this isn’t the first time anyone has said these words, but I SO know what you mean.
Shortly after I started my self-discovery journey, my sponsor (life coach) had me read As Man Thinketh. A lot of it was over my head but one thing I’ve learned to be true:
“Men do not attract that which they want, but that which they are.”
-James Allen (As A Man Thinketh)
I too was married shortly after I “turned it over,” realized I had everything I needed inside myself to be happy. And it all started with learning to love myself. And I agree with your idea of romance and love. Early on in my wife and I’s relationship I had the urge to run away, for numerous reasons. She basically said, “go if you have to, I’ll be happy regardless, I just imagined life would be more fun with you.” And I realized deep inside I would be OK without her too. But together, we love watching and helping each other grow.
P.S. – And I absolutely can’t believe you posted that video by Train. I was watching this episode of CSI:NY (I think) a few weeks ago and heard them play that song on there. I Googled it and immediately purchased it on iTunes and have been listening to it ever since. I play it for my wife all the time and sing it to her in the car! That’s a God wink to me.
.-= Jared | SpiritualZen.net´s last blog ..Spiritual Growth: The Willingness to Change =-.
Hi Jared,
That is how I discovered the song too. We were watching CSI:NY and heard the song which I thought sounded great. So like you, I Googled it and purchased it right away. I have been listening to it all the time. I just love it. I guess great minds think alike!
It is awesome that you share your life with someone who celebrates you and lets you grow. What a gift!
And thank you for that line from James Allen. I read that book years ago and it really impacted how I viewed life. It is great that your sponsor introduced that book to you. I love how everyone who goes on a journey to discover their truth, inevitably end up reading the same things.
And amen for winks from God. I love it when that happens!
Hi Nadia – interesting – I have never wanted children either. Fortunately, I have never had people lecturing me about it- it has simply never been an issue. Now I am wth Frank, and he already has 2 grown kids so certainly doesn’t want any more.
I love the way you decribe a healthy relationship!
Have a great New Year period – cheers from Robin
.-= Robin´s last blog ..There Is A Vitality =-.
Hi Robin,
I truly believe that what is okay in one part of the world is not okay in another. So I guess it depends on location plus I live in an area that is very dense. So you are fortunate to have had a differente experience.
Have a great New Year period too! Cheers right back!
What a lovely post Nadia! I recently wrote a post about how to be single and enjoy it because so many people miss the wonderful opportunities that come from being single. To them being single is almost a death sentence because all they see are couples and all they want is that! I love being single, I have my moments sure, but most of the time I love it and right now I wouldn’t change it.
Isn’t it funny that people always say that when they stop looking that’s when they find someone? People who are single and lonely project what they want and see it everywhere except within themselves. It’s a shame that can’t come to understand that simple point that would change everything for them!
It’s been a pleasure discovering your blog in 2009, can’t wait for more in 2010, have a lovely new year!
.-= Amit Sodha – The Power Of Choice´s last blog ..For 2010 – 10 Unusual Places To Get Inspired For The New Year =-.
Hi Amit,
Good for you for enjoying being single! That is awesome and may more people learn from you! I think everyone regardless of their relationship status have moments when they wish things were different. It is part of the human package so no worries.
And I so agree with what you wrote about how we project what we want. Our perceptions truly determine our experiences. Kind of mind blowing but so comforting too.
Thank you for the kind words about my blog. It has been a pleasure having you here and may 2010 be an even more awesome year!
WOW!!!!!!! I relate SOOOOOOO strongly to this whole post. It almost like reading about myself. I too chose not to have children for the very same reasons. Although I LOVE kids and they are drawn to me in droves, I knew even before I was 6 that I did not want to have kids. I knew with absolute clarity that it was not my path. I also knew I had another path to fulfill, but didn’t yet know what that was. I just knew that it felt free and adventurous both inside myself and in the world I would move through (or the experiences I would have). To use a word that can have many meanings, I could strongly, VERY strongly, feel my “destiny”, even when I was 4 years old. I also “knew” in a body or in an intuitive way, even more strongly, that if I had kids it would in essence kill my free spirit and end my destiny. I know that may sound harsh, but it is what I felt. As I grew into my early twenties and then later married people sometimes treated me like I was “less than” or incomplete or had some psychological issue because I didn’t bear children. They would even say these thing outright to me.
The other thing that you said, which is just so TRUE: “…Love is more than sex or looks or money. You are not an incomplete soul looking for a missing link. You are complete already. ” I applaud you for sharing this. YES!! In fact, as you say here, it is finding our OWN completeness and living it that we are set free to fully love ourselves, others, the planet, and so on.
My husband and I were just talking the other day about the purpose of ANY relationship…is to grow. And when both parties are open to this growth and not only when things are all smooth sailing, but in all circumstances…the growth is astounding, rewarding, off the charts life altering, liberating, up lifting, healing, and it creates an astounding bond, which brings about remarkable “team work” in all aspects of a couples life.
But even beyond that, we both are totally aware, every single day, of the gift the we give each other, and we never take each other for granted. We never part angry. We don’t waste time on petty crap or arguing. We instead have learned to cherish deep and respectful communication. We have learned to even respect our differences as well as our similarities and use both to grow.
This is a DYNAMIC article. Thank you my dear Nadia. I so relate to who the unique free spirit that you were then and STILL are today. It did my heart good that you shared this. You gave me much. Love, Robin
.-= Robin Easton´s last blog ..When You Know You’re Alive =-.
Hi Robin,
Thank you so much for always being so loving and supportive. I can relate to your childhood experiences on so many levels. I remember being a little girl and not enjoying the concept of playing house. I did not like to play with dolls. I preferred my stuffed animals and my real life animals. Being a mother, although a noble job, was not something that I felt compelled to be. I knew it without any hesitation or doubt which is so funny because I was not clear as to how my life would pan out but I was clear about the child issue. And like you, I heard all kinds of stuff due to my views.
And how you described your marriage, mirrors mine too. I learned a long time ago that a person has no right to change another. You have to work with what you have and help each other grow. That means, in my mind, being patient and realizing that each person grows at their own speed and pace. In my mind, unconditional love means allowing another person to be who they are and celebrating that person’s truth. I never have understood why some people try to change their mate. Just enjoy and respect each other. Sometimes you may have disagreements but so what. There is beauty in that too.
Until next time, love and hugs to you!
I agree with what you say and am always happy to see the discussion of romantic love come up. Hollywood does a lot of damage with the idea of love and people like you do a nice job of dispelling myths. I appreciate your honesty about your journey and can relate to everything you are saying. We have all made mistakes in this arena–I know I definitely have!
.-= lena´s last blog ..Emotional Hygiene–Check Yourself =-.
Hi Lena,
I think everyone has made mistakes in this area. When it comes to love, we have all kinds of myths and issues to deal with on some level. I have yet to meet someone who has not had to figure out that love is not what they thought. As for being honest, I would not want to be any other way. I think it is vital in human interactions that we are honest and open with our experiences. None of us are perfect and there is no need to pretend to be so.
Hope all is well!
I like how you explored your rules for love.
I think the keys are growth and experience. I also think it’s important to choose the experiences you want to create over just go with the default.
.-= J.D. Meier´s last blog ..10 Ways to Know Thyself =-.
Hi JD,
That is a great point about how we can choose the kind of experiences that we want to have as opposed to going with what is the norm. I think many of us forget that we have the power to create the kind of lives we want and that includes our love life.
Hi Nadia,
Pray for me…
I beleive when we are comfortable with ourself and have purpose in life..whatever decision we make is just perfect for us. Whether it is to have kids or not. Its our own perfect decision…its just meant to be that way.
As for me…i always wanted to be a mother….I used to babysit all the kids of my neighborhood….and always tell my mum I will have a dozen babies. Ok a dozen babies is cute…but in this time not very practical. So i have reduced my wants to atleast 3…1 down 2 more to go
But yes, being a mother is hard work…it means giving up so many things….to nurture and care for your little ones and their father{who is my big baby;) }. But as i said when you know what you want….these decision are made themselves without force…and there are no regrets.
I love how you’re so aware of yourself and your needs. Its beautiful! Well you’re the beautiful one
Happy happy new Year full of love, spiritual growth and abundance.
Love
Z
.-= Zeenat{Positive Provocations}´s last blog ..Love, Kindness and Happiness =-.
Hi Zeenat,
You most definitely have my prayers!
Your story reminds me of one of my friends. Ever since we were kids, she always knew she wanted to be a mother. She always was babysitting and just loved doing it. She even went on to become a teacher because that is how much she loved being with children. Now she is a mother and it is such a joy to see her enjoying her dream. Sounds like you are doing the same and that is beautiful!
Happy New Year to you too! May 2010 be a year filled with lots of love, joy, great health, success in the ways that matter and many more blessings!
Love and hugs to you! Btw, you are beautiful too!
You’re a great hugger– thanks!
xo
.-= Jannie Funster´s last blog ..I Stenciled A Doll Trunk! =-.
Hi Jannie,
You are welcome. It is funny, according to the time of when you left your comment, you were 17 minutes away from the publishing of my newest post!
Great Post Nadia, I hope you and your loved ones are well and smiling.
Hi Mike,
Great to hear from you. All is well over here. I hope the same is true for you and your family.
Great post! I’ve been pondering love a lot lately, so I was drawn to the title of this post. Thank you for your clearsighted view on the choice to not have kids: I’m also one who knew very young that I didn’t want them (I remember someone telling me how babies were born and immediately thinking to myself “Oh no, I am NOT doing that!”) and that has never changed. I don’t even insist that I love children: I enjoy some kids and don’t like others, just like adults
I actually might be the only person on the planet who DOESN’T believe that we can only love another if we first love ourselves. I believe that we need to have others mirror love to us in order to be able to love ourselves, and to love others…it’s a circle. But it has to come from outside as well as inside. Human are wired to connect. We really DO need others in our lives in order to be happy, and we need others to teach us love in order to know we are lovable. That’s not to say we need a relationship of any certain type in order to be or feel lovable, only that we need the feedback loop of love – to give AND to receive love – in order to love both ourselves and others.
We learn how to love ourselves through our experiences of being in the dance of love with others , from the time we are in the womb. And this includes the difficult experiences of love (say, a difficult relationship or being rejected) as well as the wonderful ones. We often learn more about our own lovable-ness through difficult love experiences than we do from good ones.
If it were true that we can only love others if we truly love ourselves first, than none of us would be able to really love others because almost nobody loves themselves 100%, 100% of the time. That takes a lifetime of work, and most of us never get there.
I hope that’s not too long-winded! Thanks again for the insightful post!
-Melissa
.-= Melissa Kirk´s last blog .. =-.
Hi Melissa,
No worries…you were not too long-winded at all.
You raised some really wonderful points and I see where you are coming from which does make total sense. My only comment is that some people in the world do not really receive a healthy kind of love from others. Some people do go through live never having the experience of someone loving them for them. Some people are blessed to have the experience of having received love at a young age or through romantic experiences. However, that is not a common event for many people.
Some people have never seen love and so they do not know what love looks like. Not everyone has wonderful experiences with love. I wish everyone did but that is not true. So I guess it is a combination of the two. However, that said, I think it is important for people to be at peace with who they are. Inner peace is a form of self-love. It may seem like a pipe-dream but I think if someone really wants it badly enough, they can achieve it.
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